Could you please critique this new poem?

Question

movement produces painful reaction

like life, it is cause and effect

natures design is a flawed experiment

that has failed due to a unseen concept

The Human condition

is a long term contradiction

the odds are against us from the moment we wake

from the first pitter patter our needs do not matter

and the key to existence always out of our reach

twisted creator, the judge and the juror

what purpose has brought us to this

if God is a truth, the religious so right

then God is just taking the p**s.

With each separate moment the brain becomes dormant

not a flicker of life nor a hint of relief

the plight almost futile the body so fragile

our answers mistaken for a profound belief

Answer 1

Thanks...I needed a reason to get up tomorrow !!!

Answer 2

I think the word "p**s" spoils what is in essence a charming though naive piece of poetry.

It reminds me of another piece by anon titled "Ode to a friend lost"

Answer 3

You are a good writer !!

Answer 4

Wow, deep.

Answer 5

Really clever word play although the nature of the poem is very dark ruined it a little with the swearing though would have gone with miss i.e did God see something we missed maybe

beautifully dark though

Answer 6

Not so much a poem as a stream of consciousness, Try writing instead, you're a bit wordy, poetry requires rather more ruthless editing than i think you're prepared to give it. Check out Blake if you like a bit of godly bleakness.Titles are no bad thing either, use them.

Keep creating !  

Answer 7

Really, really good. You have an amazing talent here.

Answer 8

could b beta honest opinion

Answer 9

Excellent you have real talent.

Answer 10

Rubbish. You have no talent. Too shallow.

Critique your poem? What's wrong with Could you give an opinion?