Could you read my poem and give opinion / advice, please?

Question

He comes in the shadows

Shrouded

In a black cloak

Slips in

Unseen

Unheard

But for the one he's coming for

They look up

Eyes wide

Surprise etched on their faces

He comes closer

Some try to run

Hide

They're scared of him

This man with the hidden face

They don't want to leave

But they can't escape

No one

Can ever escape

Sometimes he lingers for a while

Watching

The world passing by

While he waits

Sometimes he swoops down

So fast they don't even see him coming

Some people, though

Puzzle this man

They sit up

Waiting for him

Expectant

And when he comes

They do not try to run

But welcome him

With open arms

And they walk together

Up

Out of this place

Leaving their body behind

Anyway, I know it's kind of cliche, but keep in mind that I'm only 13.

Could you give your opinion and tell me if you know about any poetry contests? (I live in california, near san francisco)

Answer 1

i live around san francisco too. i haven't heard of any poetry contests, but i know there are websites on the internet where you can get it posted. there are cool places in san francisco where you can read your poem to audiences during open mic nights if you want to check that out. just google it. i don't think your poem is really cliche at all. perhaps a little typical, but cliche? no.

Answer 2

Change "He" to "It" and you have a better write.

I also suggest not saying "this man" the grim reaper is not a man, right? more like an entity? thing?

Answer 3

Miss Frances, 3 suggestions.

1. In the line "But for the one he's coming for ", leave for off the end, it is redundant.

2.  Take the word cliche` out of your vocabulary.  There is no one that I have met who has ever said anything that hasn't been used or said a some previous time, and that would make the entire English language cliche`.

3.  I have yet to find a poetry contest online that is not a ripoff to get your money, look in your local newspapers for contest they sponsor, or try readers digest.  Just make sure you aren't reading an ad from poetry guild or poets guild, or poetry.com.  They are all ripoffs.  Been there, done that.   If you are considering being published, try www.poetsofmars.com.  It's not a contest, it is the site of a publisher.

Answer 4

Most poets around here are 13, and they all use this fact as a disclaimer.  If you realize yourself that it is cliche, than obviously you can do better.

Answer 5

That's a fantastic poem. I like how the ending is almost unexpected and made me want to look again at the poem. The only thing I would suggest is to change the line, "sometimes he swoops down" to something more like, "he makes a visit" if you get my drift. great job!