Could you take a moment to critique this ditty, please?

Question

A few years ago, a friend of mine met a girl who bowled him over. He asked me if I'd write a poem expressing how he felt, so I did. Here it is. (It's lighthearted in tone.)

It has 16 verses. I'd appreciate readers holding off on comment 'til they're all posted. I'll have to do a few at a time. Thanks for your patience.

SHELLY

Loveless, lonely, misbegotten,

my life sure stunk - pure ultra-smelly!

On I trudged, unseen, forgotten,

and then one day - along came Shelly!

Bright 'n' breezy and oozin' charm,

traversed the world - New York - New Delhi.

Tons of mischief, no ounce of harm -

an impish sprite - ah! Such is Shelly!

Self-assurance is amazin' -

she sure ain't shy - not on your nellie!

In your face, both barrels blazin' -

she's bold as brass is that gal Shelly!

She's out to taste the joys of life -

gets stuck right in - gives it some wellie.

She won't succumb to pain or strife -

she's far too busy just being Shelly!

Answer 1

Hope he doesn't share it with her if he likes her.

It does seem a bit detached and coarse...

  "In your face, both barrels blazin'"  

     Do you mean her eyes or nostrils - (ref to previous ref "ultra smelly") maybe you're just a bit detached & impersonal to your friend's feelings.

Answer 2

I think it is absolutely adorable! If she is everything you say she is in the poem, I think she will think so too, give it to her, she will love the humor.  Thanks for sharing, it is great!

Answer 3

I liked it, fast paced and readble. It makes me want to meet Shelly.

Answer 4

You had me, until you say he gave it to her as his own work,

if I was Shelly, then I would hope she would not see this.

As a total seems a bit long.

Answer 5

Try please please try harder....something is just not right....

like "In your face, both barrels blazin' " Could you work harder? (So you asked for criticism so here it is)

P.S. Only my opinion.

Answer 6

Total and absolute pants, but very well-constructed, ingenious and imaginative pants.