Could you tell me what you think of my short story (1 page long)?

Question

As the icy crystals frolicked and danced down onto the white bedded paths, the two fragile bodies scurried along, threading through the pillows of snow.

“James, how much further?” begged Sarah.

James lowered his eyes down to check. The sides of the map, being clutched by his trembling hands, began to crumple as his icy peripherals clamped down. His burdened legs began to slow to a stop, standing dangerously in the bitter Russian snow-storm which was now belting across his hardened body.

Sarah, bearing the latest 1924 ‘DuPont’ backpack, curiously began to gather her surroundings as she stood, waiting. Clumps of her black stringy hair began to flail in the coarse wind while her hazel eyes darted around, taking in the demolished surroundings.

To her right was a grey, stone wall. As she turned her head, noticing the ratty remnants of a black and white poster, her face twitched: a spontaneous reaction of what she saw.

Her trembling voice muttered out the English translation written at the bottom of what appeared to be just one of the many advertisements of Leninism. “We shall go forward. Step higher with energy and unity of will. V.I. Lenin” The skin between her eyebrows began to crumple and mount as concern grew on her face.

“Well, unless there’s something wrong with this map, the cabin should be within eyesight”, James noted. He raised his angular, stubbly face trying to see past the ruins and rubble which had completely destroyed any sense of direction. “I don’t know, Sarah. Maybe it was a bad idea, leaving Jeremy in Finland. He would have known where to go.” Sarah looked to James with frustration building in her ice encrusted eyebrows.

“James…” she said sternly, “…That tour guide is a thief. I don’t want anything to do with him. I can’t believe he stole my handbag while we were out ….was probably for that harlot of a girlfriend”. As she mumbled derisively under her breath, a sharp crack mounted through the crisp air, leaving Sarah on the ground, wheezing uncontrollably faster and faster, gasping for air like somebody who had been stabbed by a cold, blunt blade.

James, maintaining his poise, uttered in a quite but coercive voice, “Sarah; I want you to jump on the count of three. OK?”

“You want me to what?”

“One…” Sarah’s weak but covered body hurriedly ascended, preparing for the abnormal event.

“Two…”

“Three”

As they leapt up through the thin air, their stomachs maintained momentum towards the sky only to be flung back down, plummeting back towards the bedding of snow. Sarah was the first to feel her boots breaking through the layer of crunchy snow only to realise that she wasn’t coming to a stop. Her brown leather boots continued, jolting down through the layer of snow, splitting the ground into pieces and falling through. Shards of wood exploded around Sarah and James as their weighted bodies continued dropping further into the ground. As they plummeted down into the dark, empty air, their bodies’ momentum was immediately halted by the cold, damp cement floor.

Their frames lay like innocent rag dolls, in the dank, frigid air of the old underground tunnel.

“w..wh..where are we?”, James murmured with a distinct groan. Battering open his eyelids, his eyes were now ready to adjust to the darkness. Raising his head, in the distance he could see a faint light: at the end of the tunnel, a dim glow of yellow light. “Sarah…. are you ok? I think I can see a way out.” His trembling yet timid voice echoed through the emptiness, resonating off the stone walls.

“Uughhh… yes I’m…. I will manage”, replied Sarah, with what was left of her waning breath.

“James…” As Sarah began to express concern, a distant squealing noise echoed through the tunnel. “James - we need to leave.” Sarah’s feeble body rose up off the cold cement, in order to look behind them. She could see somebody coming: the shadow of a figure and a trolley could be seen approaching the vulnerable tourists. As the figure moved closer towards them, the sound of the footsteps accompanied with the squeal of the trolley grew ever closer.

__________

You could give a rating, tell me what you liked, what you hated, what you think I should change, whether it was boring, whether you want to know what happens next etc...

By the way, I am very protective of my work. You steal this, I sue you. It is legally mine. Ask for permission if you want to use it.

Answer 1

Good :)

Answer 2

It has too much detail in my opinion, some people will not like to read about how icy his peripherals are, many people will not even know what they are, you're making it too complicated

other than too much detail, it is quite well written really and the story so far is quite good, i would definitely like to read a bit more if you just dumbed it down ever so slightly  

Answer 3

You could probably get rid of about 80% of your adjectives. They're slowing down the pace.

Answer 4

Get rid of all your metaphors and descriptions and see if you still have a story that's worth reading.

As it is right now, it looks like just descriptions upon descriptions.

Answer 5

Sorry but for my taste... too much flower and not enough action.  The again.  I found "lord of the rings"too flowerly too.  I did however enjoy Viringia Andrews and All the harry Potter books so it all depends on they audience your targeting.

Answer 6

Quite good I see it will be Historical Drama

Answer 7

You have the makings of a writer.There are a few words that might be changed but basically it is very good.It definitely leaves me wondering what happens next.