Cousins wedding dramas I need help!!!

Question

Well my cousin is marrying a muslim. She is 21 Australian and Catholic wanting to be married by a civil celebrant (she doesnt go to church), he is 30 and Muslim. Her wedding is a month before mine so we were planning together like helping each other out. Well she rang me in tears because his mother wont allowed her to wear the wedding dress she wants because in there culture they have to cover there shoulders and also the bridesmaids dresses must have thick straps and there is to be no alcohol at the wedding because its disrespectful for women to drink and that there is no first dance and that she has to do a dance for him almost like she is his property. Also she wanted a dj and his parents said they must have a arabic band. I asked if she has to convert and she said no so if they are in Australia shouldn't they also respect her wishes? Is there anything she can do to make this day as special as it should be because at the moment the only thing she has had a say in is the colour.

Also he isnt allowed to move out of home until he is married and the engagement ring he bought her in march this year is ment to be a white gold 3 diamond engagement ring but its gone a copper colour and the stones have gone smokey i told her to take it to a jewerller and have it looked at but he wont allow that and says its real and if she goes behind his back its disrespectful. her response to that is if it cost so much and it should last forever wouldnt you want it fixed it still should be under warrenty.

He apperently has all this money and wont allow her to work and she isnt allowed to go to my wedding or hens night because he said so. Also he is allowing his parents to have there say and doesnt care what she wants.

What can i say or do to put a smile back on her face?

Answer 1

Why is she marrying him?  This is not going to end well.

Answer 2

Tell her to dump the guy, not only is he a liar (the ring-a real band will not turn coppery and diamonds do NOT go dull and smokey)...he's controlling (he won't allow this and won't allow that)...and so is his family..she will end up low man on the totem pole and will be expected to obey everything he and his family dictate.

if any man, fiance or husband, told me I couldn't because he said so, I'd tell him tough toenails....and do it....my ex tried it a few times...didn't work.

'Who died and left you God?"

This is a clash of cultures with one expecting the other to kowtow with absolutely no compromise...it's also a culture where women are subservient and treated like second class citizens.

If she marries him, she's a fool.....where's her mother? If she were my kid, I'd call up Mr. Too Big For His Britches and lay down the law....MY law...or he doesn't marry my kid...and altho she'd initially hate me for it, it the long run it will save her heartache & grief.....good luck.

Answer 3

This is a really unfortunate situation. Why is she marrying him again? Didn't she know all of this about him before she decided to accept his proposal? If his true colors are coming out now, I guess I can see how your sis may have ended up in this predicament. All I can really tell you is this: I'm sorry if this may offend you, but your sisters marriage isn't going to last. There is no way it can! There are major cultural barriers afflicting this marriage and the two aren't even wed yet. Is this how your sister wants the rest of her life to be? Her husband constantly choosing his family over his own wife and belittling her, telling her she can't work? I don't know if it's too late or not, but I seriously advise calling the whole wedding off. Good luck to your sister.

Answer 4

Honestly that is very typical of a Muslim wedding.  I'm shocked the differences in their culture hasn't come up before this.  I think anytime you marry someone so different from you in culture and background you need to have a lot of premarital counseling.  There is a LOT they need to have discussed.  What about the raising of their children?  The Catholic church traditional expects the children to be raised Catholic.  Muslims typically expect the children be raised in their faith.  They should pick up a book on 101 Questions to Ask Before you say I do.  

She could come up with some ideas on the dress.  A dress for the ceremony and one for the reception.  Or perhaps have a shawl for the bridesmaids that covers their shoulders that they can remove later.  As for alcohol, that is one they will not budge on.  As for the dj vs the band--perhaps they could have both.  Or get arabic music so that the first hour is mostly that and the second couple hours are with a modern dj.  As for the ring--that's simple.  It's not real.  But you knew that already and so does she.  "If she goes behind his back" line is old.  Not to mention between that at the "can't hang out with her friends anymore", can't work or socialize with coworkers it shows how controlling he is and how he will expect her to change once they are married.  These are classic signs of abuse.  I know she won't want to hear that from you but look it up.  It all starts with isolating them from everyone.

I mean yes it is her wedding but when you are blending two radically different cultures it is almost impossible to blend those two without being offensive to half.  And I don't just mean the wedding but the marriage.  She needs to make sure they really do share the same beliefs in lots of things.  She may be shocked after the wedding how much is not as she formerly thought.

I'm not saying two cultures can't marry and that interfaith marriages don't work--but I am saying that you have to do a lot more discussion on what that MEANS to you both.

Answer 5

i think its time she pulled the breaks and told her fiancee

lookie i love you, but i am not muslim, i never agreed to convert, i am western, and while i dont expect you to convert either, we will have to accept our faits are personal, and compromise in the day to day...if not then this will never work, and its best we call it off now

I want to be respectfull, but you and your family also have to extend this respect back to me, because i am not muslim, and some things go against my fait in this, if you cant live with me having my own fait and view, then this simply can not and will not work.

Give him a chanse to reconsider he migth have gone overboard, and if not then call it off, there is no way she can live with him if he cant compromise with her.

There is a huge gap in belif there, i got a gap with my bf but no where near that (different protestant directions), we had to discuss it and meet half way on how things will be in our future. How it will affect our children, a potential church marriage etc.

It dont sound like your sister had discussed this prior to everything with him, and well it seems now sadly she is having to learn that to be a mistace, but its still time to call it off and limit the damage. Have she even thougth about things like child raising in all of this? If they are to be raised in muslim fait, have she considered what this will mean, and factors like in their culture the father is considered to own the kids, if he ever want to go to his home country she would have no rigths there if he wanted to stay...all of these are things she need to think about and talk to him about to know where he stand on these issues.

You dont just rush into an interreligious or interculture marriage without thinking things through, and discussing potential differences.

Answer 6

I know what you could say to put a smile on mine: that she woke up and realized this is not just problems for the wedding, this is a lifestyle. Marry the man, you marry everything about him. In his culture, the man has absolute say over the wife, she is his posession and chattel, every minute of the day she is serving him. Yes, I said serving. She will not talk back, talk to strangers, go outside the home in anything he considers to be scandalous, she can't speak to anyone, including her own mother if he says no. And yes, in his culture he can use physical, verbal, and emotional abuse and it is not illegal to do so. In fact, his God given duty is to keep her in line.

In their religion, showing skin is against God. In ancient times, your friend might have been stoned to death for that. And you are right, he does not care what she wants, he is following the words of God and obeying his parents.

And I would if I were her, go get that ring looked at, now. If it is fake, then if he has so much money...Really, any body who would give a fake ring with deception in mind deserves to get dumped, that is lying, and that is against the Word, too.. Oh, by the way, Muslims don't believe in divorce. She is married to him, always.

Where are this girls parents, and why have they not intervened?

Answer 7

What you can say is "leave him".

Im not familiar with the culture of most religions but i look at it from a human perspective and this sounds like a pretty dire situation. How can she be happy in that marriage where she has less say than the guys mother. It does make her sound like she is a piece of property and it might be hard but someone needs to step in who has an outside perspective and talk to her about what she really wants.

If she goes ahead with this it could be a huge mistake.

And as for the ring, that made it sound like a scam.