Creative Writing - Critique please?

Question

Hey everyone,

I have a creative writing english assessment coming up, and I have written this: (It's on my blurty page)

http://www.blurty.com/users/impavidus

If you could give it a read and let me know what you think, that'd be great.

Personally I think it is really cheesy with lots of cliches but I kind of meant it that way.

Suggestions as to what I should change?

By the way, none of it really happened, I just made it all up.

Thanks :)

Answer 1

"the breeze that wafts through the trees ruffling their downy feathers and bringing with it a smell"

I think the 'bringing' should perhaps be 'brings' to make it flow better.

"hanging high above the world, watching the passers-by collect dust on their shoes."

Like poetry. Love this.

"I remember asking Grandma this very question, and she told me that fairies had planted them. I didn't believe her, even though I wanted to."

This is lovely but sad - so perfectly capturing the progression of childhood and the loss of that belief.

I think the whole thing is very good. It didn't seem all to cliched at all, I found parts very original and charming. Excellent sensuous detail. My only suggestion might be to alter the ending slightly - after such a strong piece it seems to fade away a little. Perhaps have a different list of things, or build up to it more with emotion as he looks about the deserted forest? It's your perogative as to what you do or don't change, but congratulations on an already fantastic vignette.

Answer 2

Delete half of the adjectives you used. And rewrite it.Some cliches are ok in writing, but don't use too many. I'm not too sure what happens in your story. Did you intend it to be descriptive or did you want some action to occur, too?

Answer 3

err....its okay

but i feel that it has wayyy too much descption. CUT IT DOWN.

because the reader will get bored.

but there are good aspects to it.

Answer 4

since you are making her answer your question! and said i cant be mean im just saying this .  Cool story but make it real! :D

give me best answer or i wont do the cleaning anymore!!

haha!

p.s your little pic looks angry!

Answer 5

im not the best at dis. but ur writing needs more direction

its pretty vague. but its nice. smooth n all.