Cricket - How can http://www.senore.com/Cricket/New-Zealand-c754 win against India? Some “out-of-box” plans
I happened to read an interesting article a few days back that was titled, "Expect The Expected". That analysis was based on firm logic, and the fact that http://www.senore.com/Cricket/India-c750 has not been defeated by the Kiwis at their home ground still remains. However, it is an acknowledged
fact that even a God king can bleed and if the God king bleeds therefore, the Indians can bleed too. Whether they will then squat you under their feet is another story altogether. But, let’s just try to be a little optimistic here for the sake of some amateur
miscreants donning black caps.
Since Paul the ‘psychic’ octopus died a few days ago, hence we cannot bribe him to predict a win in the favour of the Kiwis, so I decided that it is in fact time to devise a blueprint on what can be done to defeat the formidable Indians.
The first hurdle of course is the little master Sachin Tendulkar himself. The smartest thing to do would be to plan in conjunction with the other little master from the subcontinent, http://www.senore.com/Cricket/Ijaz-Butt-c64128 to malign this batting machine in the media. In fact, get Rupert
Murdoch on his case, and within a day, the fake sheik will have pulled up a sting operation that catches glimpse of Sachin beating up his old woman or better still spitting on a kid. There can of course be a pile of cotton candy on a table in front of a bookie
and a video can be made where the bettor whispers how he was given this cotton candy to bribe Tendulkar.
If that fails then there is always the option of cloning, or reviving the dead. Just like it happens in 'Resident Evil', get some chemical and revive Donald Bradman. Then, of course give him a funny name like Don Bondman Crowe and claim that he was a shepherd
in one of the fields where the selection committee spotted him bat against his sheep and saw true potential. Hence they decided to get him in the squad. He would surely smash the Indians all over the park. There is a likelihood that one of his zombie parts
will tag along the ball to the boundary.
In the likely scenario that this technique fails to work, there are always drugs. Yes. Do drugs. Do NOT say no to them. German engineering is renowned for its precision and surely, they would have invented some drugs that cannot be tested. Go for it. In
the plausible scenario that one of the players turns into 'Hulk', there is absolutely no provision in the ICC rules that bars the Hulk from playing cricket in India. They can pump some drugs in their veins. They might pop an eyeball or two doing that, but
what’s the harm? They will at least give the Indians some trouble.
Lalit is the Indian equivalent of Jackie the ripper. If he is somehow imported from England to the subcontinent, then the Indian media will smell him out of the aircraft he reaches in. He will be making all the headlines, and the Kiwis can slip away unnoticed
after playing the tests.
In rather likely scenario that all else fails, a particular player http://www.senore.com/Cricket/Daniel-Flynn-c1309 for instance can be turned into a human cannonball. Before the match commences, make him eat a lot of Indian food. It’s known for its spices and give the guy some laxative. One
by one, fire him on each Indian player, and he will surely do wonders to crush the Indian juggernauts like Sehwag, Dhoni, Sachin and Cheteshwar. In the worst possible scenario, he would not be able to play Test cricket for the rest of his life. Considering
the Kiwi form these days, a couple of their players can truly be expendable.
Some of these plans do have their flaws, but one thing is for certain – the Kiwi’s can have a whole lot of fun if they go ahead with it.
(The writer is an aspiring entrepreneur who during the night transforms into a cricket fanatic. Legend has it, that he bowled the Greek god Zeus out thrice in the same over. He relies on fiction to produce humour for a living)
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