Cricket "Special Report": How http://www.senore.com/Cricket/Australia-c746 can still win the Ashes?
Mitchell Johnson wreaked havoc at WACA. He was like a spurned animal, who was waiting for his opportunity to lash out at those who had mocked him. However, soon enough in the fourth Test, he was back to being himself. So, what exactly brings about this hulk like transformation? If Australia want to win the Ashes which they still can because I say so then they will have to spurn their very own to bring out the best in him. Let us just take a look at the possible measures that can be taken to spur the Australian pace bowler on in the last Test:
He must be lied to
While bowling to the Englishmen during the first Test at Gabba, someone told poor Mitch that Santa Claus wasn’t real and would not be turning up at Johnson's house at Christmas.
He must be threatened
Whenever the average Australian fan sits down to watch a match of the Ashes, he is making an investment. If he does not like what he gets to see, he consequently kicks his dog who starts howling and wants a bone. So, where does the bone come from? Easy. It is carefully grafted from Mitchell Johnson's leg. Or, he must be thrashed by Merv Hughes before every match.
He must be loved
If your child is acting like a whiny school girl what do you do? You shut him up by giving him a dime. So, what actually made Johnson take six wickets at WACA? He took six wickets because Ricky Ponting promised him with two Australian dollars for every wicket he took. That motivated young Mitch.
Get him involved in an intellectual argument with a school girl
“You’re a dummy,” says the girl. “Yeah, ahun... so what does that make you? A dumbo,” retorts Mitch. “You’re a dumblina,” replies the girl. “What does that make you? dumble p**p?” “You're a dumble p**p,” replies the girl. Since none of them will ever win the argument, Mitch would agree that it would be better just to take a wicket. It is much simpler.
Put spicy ketchup in his burger
Make him eat PROHIBITED extra spicy food. Term it as an accident. For better results try acid. It angries up his blood, makes his tattoo itch.
Tell on him
Tell on his mother about the last time he tried to flirt with that not so nice girl. His mother will not be happy and ground him. Ban emo music in the dressing room. Bowling good would be the only outlet to vent his frustration.
Hypnotise him
Hypnotise Mitchell Johnson and make him believe that he is Craig McDermott. The plan worked beautifully following the third Test at WACA. However, heavy programming was needed to stop him from getting a spike haircut and going bankrupt.
Tell him he has friends
Call all the neighbourhood kids and make them play with him. Pay them to be nice to him and make him feel wanted. He feels left out knowing he does not have any friends. Of course after the slumber party with the kids, get him a unicorn.
Make his mother and girl friend fight with him
Last time he had a fight with his girlfriend, who questioned his manhood he went and got a cat tattoo. Next time his mum and girlfriend fought over whether he would be allowed to stay up late till Christmas, he scored a few runs with the bat at Perth and took a few wickets.
Make him feel sorry for the Punter
Tell him that the Punter will cry if he does not perform. No one wants to see the Punter crying. Last time he cried, Michael http://www.senore.com/Cricket/Clarke-c51120 bit her tongue, oops bit his tongue.
(The writer is a sports fanatic who transforms into Mitchell Johnson's ex-girlfriend at night. Something like WG Grace with a nose ring)
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