Cricket’s very own Barbie, Stuart Broad
The German philosopher and classical philologist, Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “Stupid as a man, say the women: cowardly as a woman, say the men. Stupidity in a woman is unwomanly.
But being a part of the characters belonging to Venus, i vehemently condemn the last bit of Mr. Nietzsche. A woman is as much stupid as Mitchell Johnson. Even though as a female, i openly
admit i remarkably know little about their colourful lives. I don’t know much about make-up; i really don’t care why there is a need to plaster your face with cheap cake, otherwise known as a foundation. Then there is the curious case of the heels. The clicker-clacker
of the heels in a relatively peaceful environment makes you want to strangle the lady, tittering her way for the selfish reason of ruining the peace. So of course the scribe clearly does not have the characteristics that are known as womanly. Yet, I do know
that a good woman is proud of herself as she respects herself and others. She is strong to make all her dreams come true. She does not wish to live in the past, accept the present and move forward for a better future.
These characteristics are again not applicable to all the women but that to a person who is a good woman. The scribe however knows when a female specimen is in her presence. There is this
itchy feeling in the eyes to scan the woman in less than a millisecond. There is this sheer intimidation factor that exists in females who are not so much of a female with the common characteristics. This intimidation feeling was felt again when I saw England’s
all-rounder Stuart Broad on television. He was ruled out of the ongoing Ashes series a long time ago but his appearances in the commentary box makes me feel intimated.
Let’s start with the illustrious hair. Just look at his hair. He is English and he has such shiny, blonde hair. Even Paris Hilton and the Playboy blondes are paled in front of his beautiful
mane. It is way too fluffy. Until and unless you are an Asian male, you do not have any right to strut the fluff. It is so light like a feather flying in the air and landing on Ricky Ponting’s injured finger. His hair is so soft like a small dollop of lemon
soufflé. His hair glows in the sunshine. I don’t even have such good hair like him and I use the hair-straightener in my sleep as well.
The next sign is his pouting lips. The lips are so tightly pressed together. He has such perfect Jolie-esque lips. He also has that puppy-dog face cut that complements his blondness and
that pale skin. He can be the next Ice Princess. His fluttering blonde eyelashes can even make Shane Warne flirt with him, and that too behind the commentator’s glass. Of course, the lack of biceps worries me. He made his debut in 2006 and was so thin that
it did not even seem cute. Five years on, he is still lean. The cricket gurus must be rolling their eyes; he is pacer so he needs to be lean. But the lack of muscle tone does not mean he is the hard hitting ball-chucking machine. It’s even hard to pronounce
his surname given his small shoulders. So “Broady” is a serial petulant with a lot of physical deficiencies. But he also has some girly characteristics. He is the ultimate Daddy’s girl, sorry Daddy’s boy. His father, Chris Broad is always on his side. He hugs
him when he is on the pitch being bratty like always. Instead of rapping his knuckles hard and ruining his manicure, he is giving him a pat on the back.
Then of course there was the famous “whinny girl” incident. The only thing missing were two ponytails. He threw a rather flimsy ball on another womanly character, Zulqarnain Haider. This
sign just sets the woman stamp on him. For a bowler whose that fast, it was certainly a girly throw. He threw in a half-hearted apology to poor Zulqi and managed to stick his nose high in the air. Now, this was snobbish, like a mean girl. The latest sign comes
when he reacted in a rather emotional way on being out of the Ashes due to injury.
“I’m heartbroken. After the first ball I knew something wasn’t right. I’m obviously distraught and it’s been very tough.”
Now, that’s a line you see Barbie singing in her pink tutu frock.
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