Criticize all you want. Please, just look at it.?

Question

Can you help me make it better? Constructive criticism please...

Words spring from your lips

And float to my ears

Where they linger for a fleeting moment

On the last breath of a dying day.

Your words are mine alone,

Transcending time

Until they filter down into my soul

Making me whole again.

They fill me up,

Righting the void

Created by the distance

Between two hearts

And rise to claim their home

Among celestial perfection

Orbiting two hearts for eternity,

Emblazoning their grace

Upon heaven's gentle skyscape

To remind us of these moments

For all our lives.

They confess their hope

To remain attached to our hearts forever

As their smoldering embers

Bind us together,

Two star-cross'd lovers desperately trying to

Untangle the web of constellations that

Imprisons our emotions.

We'll escape

And search east of the sun

For the glimmer of hope

That arrives with each new day.

Answer 1

i think its really good!  you might want to read it aloud and check the flow though, while most of it is very smooth, i think you'll find that if you read it aloud there are some bumpy parts.  i like the allusion to shakespeare especially.  i think it gives it more meaning since it's a love poem and shakespeare is one of the worlds greatest writers of love poems.

Answer 2

I actually love it !!...you are a natural for this !!!!

Answer 3

Alright - I'm correcting to what I think will make this better. It looks pretty good though, as far as I'm seeing!

Words spring from your lips and float in to my ears,

Where they linger for a fleeting moment,

On the last breath of a dying day.

Your words are mine alone; transcending time,

Until they filter down in to my soul,

Making me whole once again.

They fill me up, righting the void created by distance between to hearts,

And rise to claim their home among celestial perfection,

Orbiting two hearts for eternity and emblazoning their grace.

Upon heaven's gentle skyscape,

To remind us of these moments,

For all our lives.

They confess their hope to remain,

Attached to our hearts forever.

As their smoldering embers blind us together,

Two star-cross'd lovers desperately trying to untangle the web,

Of concstellations that imprison our emotions!

We'll escape and search East of the sun!

For the glimmer of hope,

That arrives with each new day.

Answer 4

Thank you.  I really enjoyed sharing your poem.  I don't feel in the mood for criticism.  Come to think of it, it's great as it is.

Answer 5

I think it is fine as it sits..

if your reader understands it and, I do, you have done a good job.

Any tweaking should be done by re reading and feeling the words.



I wonder how many of us truly relate to what is in those words, seems more than we are really aware of in our own small structured existences.

Answer 6

It has no chance of being decent. Terrible.