Critique - Migrain poetry? Please critique or edit?

Question

Migraines (Joined Cinquains)

by Victoria Tarrani

(© 97.07.23)

Headache

throbbing, aching

consumed by need to sleep

busy thoughts stealing the moments

migraine

noises

exploding stars

shattering the silence

each sound a pain behind my eyes

blasting

drugged up

needing relief

losing my grasp on self

reality holds only pain

closed eyes

nausea

can’t sleep, can’t eat

can’t breathe without the pain

ice cold packs on my eyes and neck

drifting

Maxalt,

white magic slides

down my parched throat – swallow

the melted elixir.

pain free.

Answer 1

Here's the deal with cinquains...there are three basic forms

One word (noun)

Two words (each describe the noun)

Three words (actions)

Four words (feelings)

One word (synonym noun for first noun)

One word

Two words

Three words

Four words

One word

Two syllables

Four syllables

Six syllables

Eight syllables

Two syllables

You've chosen to write in the last form.  Your images are good, your compliance with the syllable count is spot on..so the only suggestion I'd offer is that you try writing in the "other" forms as well ...if you'd like an additional challange and want to stretch your poetic muscles.

...good work, keep writing!

Answer 2

Metaphors for life events or actual descriptions of migraines?  I can only imagine what it must be like from talking to ones who suffer from the effects.  Each of your cinquains describe well what they have related.

Answer 3

Definitely not metaphors for life. My dear, I can only offer my deepest sympathy at your suffering. I have never personally endured a miagraine, but I lived with someone who did on a regular basis. I recognize all to well the symptoms described in your viscerally gripping poem.

On a poetic note, this joined cinquain style suits you very well, you always manage to create a new from the old.

Answer 4

"Hi!",

My husband can relate to you, he is a bad one to suffer migraines on a constant as we as pain in his hand and neck. I must be lucky. I only suffer Mi grains about 4 times a year.

I have never seen anyone describe the effects of mi-grains quite as well as you.

WELL DONE!

Cheers: )

Answer 5

Tori,

I'm so sorry you go through this it sounds awful. I would agree with Ask Gideon on switching S1 and S2. I think you can also replace the word Headache with something else as your title will do that work already.

This is very effective though at conveying the suffering.

Answer 6

I agree with neonman about life's events; this is good. If you could relate this to a terrible loss you've experienced and tie it together it would pack quite the punch. You could also send a spiritual message comparing Maxalt to salvation and the other lines to the heartaches you suffer through... it is fine like it is, but it could be so much more.... and maybe you should do nothing if I was able to visualize it like it is.

Answer 7

Even though it describes pain and discomfort, this is a poem that also shows us there is hope.

Drawn from life.  Almost too real.

Answer 8

I think S1 and 2 should swap around (to build  tension) I don’t like “drugged up” it makes it sound like your on “Heroin” and breaks the “picture” I suggest “Messed up”. S4 L3 “the” makes the line to “wordy” replace with “cannot” to keep the syllable count.

I see your poem like this:-

Noises

exploding stars

shattering the silence

each sound a pain behind my eyes

blasting

Headache

throbbing, aching

consumed by need to sleep

busy thoughts stealing the moments

migraine

Messed up

needing relief

losing my grasp on self

reality holds only pain

closed eyes

nausea

can’t sleep, can’t eat

cannot breathe without pain

ice cold packs on my eyes and neck

drifting

Maxalt,

white magic slides

down my parched throat – swallow

the melted elixir.

pain free.

Answer 9

I know how much you suffer from Insomnia, this mixed with Migraine must be awful.

I think this is a great piece of work, though the first line "Headache" is not powerful enough for the rest of the imagery the poem generates. Great job Tori.