Critique My Poem: A Bank Teller Name Crystal?

Question

When I went to the bank

My heart throbbed

My heart beat fast

When I saw a teller!

Whose name is crystal

Standing behind window glass

When I wanted to get some money

She was sweeter than honey

When I deposited some cash

I got a transaction so fast

With a beautiful smile

And radiance on the face

Who is she?

Her name as you guessed!

Cheerful Crystal!

Answer 1

I would make the first line "My chest throbbed" just to avoid using the word "heart" twice.

Also, in the future, either rhyme or don't.  lines 3 & 6, then lines 7&8 and 9&10.  It is kind of distracting when you see rhymes and then don't see them.  It makes you wonder if you misread or are missing the rhyming scheme.  Then you spend time trying to find the rhymes instead of enjoying the poem.

If you weren't trying to rhyme at all that's cool but it did distract me when I read it.

Oh, and you already told us her name was Crystal so why did you ask who she was at the end?  That didn't make sense to me.

Answer 2

For some reason I felt like there was a underlying s*x vibe going on there--But then again I am perverted

It was an ok poem