Critique? (Random vampire writing.)?

Question

First off, this is NOT part of a story. The character(s) might be used in other, non-vampire related stories, but the vampire element itself will not. Please don't tell me that vampire are overused or cliche. I know they are. That's why I only wrote out a scene that had been on my mind for a while as opposed to a whole story.

Second, critiques would be LOVED. Please, tear it apart. =D

'His' name isn't mentioned on purpose, though 'he' does have a name. Also, for people who have only read Twilight vampires, he is NOT sparkly and he much prefers homo sapiens to Angus, as is... 'Demonstrated,' here. If you have issues with that, please don't read it.

And apparently Y!A has a problem with the word 'co-ck.' Hence why it has a random hyphen in it now. >.>;

So yah. Blabbering over. The story:

The sun’s last stretches of pink had given way to the more solid darkness of night when the figure turned onto the long pathway. The moon was the smallest sliver away from being full that night, the stars dimmed by a heavy fog. Darkness reigned in more sense than one that night.

The footsteps finally gave away his presence as the road changed from gravel to dirt underneath his leather boots. His gait was smooth and fast, leaving little indication that he’d ever passed that way. Regardless, in the period of night just after daytime animals had gone to sleep and just before nighttime animals had woken, his footsteps echoed loudly even on the soft dirt. His grey eyes glinted slightly in the darkness as he approached the single farmhouse at the end of the path. They narrowed as he walked up the frail, wooden steps leading to the front door; once there, he knocked on the door with the firm brass knocker, sending a lone echo throughout the old fashioned home, alerting its single inhabitant.

Wearily, the woman rose out of her couch and approached the door. Only vaguely did she wonder who would be visiting her at that hour – she had few ‘friends’ - for lack of a better word- and her family… Well, it wasn’t the most stable one out there.

“Can I help you?” The question was phrased before the heavy wooden door was opened, but having the enhanced senses that accompanied being the undead made it irrelevant.

“Actually, yes, I’d like to think you can.” He flashed a charming smile at her, keeping his lips in check; after four and a half centuries, it was almost second nature. Even he slipped up occasionally, though. This would be an okay time to reveal it too early – if she screamed, there would be no one to hear. Even if someone did, who really cared about the religious nut, the social recluse, Arianne Forgeman? No one. He did his research well, after all.

“Oh… And, how is that?” She asked, sounding skeptical. No one had ever required assistance from her since third grade when some kid had needed a different color crayon. And yet, this man she’d never seen before suddenly needed her help? Not to mention at eleven o’clock at night… What a strange time to ask someone for help.

He didn’t notice her suspicion – or if he did, he didn’t comment on it - as he continued, “Well, you see, I’m doing a consumer satisfaction interview of sorts. It's been broadened out to include a wide variety of- oh, it’ll only take a moment, I promise.” He rushed through the last sentence as he saw her preparing to slam the door in his face. Even as the undead, who could only be truly harmed only by holy objects, having his face flattened by a heavy, dead tree didn’t quite appeal to his vainer side. “Now, what is your favorite movie?”

“Uh- what?”

“Movie. Your favorite?”

“Um… I’m not… really sure…?” As she spoke, a look of incredulousness came onto her face. This night was exceedingly weird.

“Oh. Not a moviegoer?”

“Not really…”

“Okay, then. Next question. Favorite condiment?”

“Condime- What? What kind of interview is this? Who is it for, anyway? Who are you?” She demanded, suddenly angry. No doubt this one was one of those weird teenager pranks. Except this man didn’t look like a teenager. Her veined fingers grasped the edge of the door again, clearly preparing to take another attempt at slamming her door in his face.

“Oh, that’s unfortunate.” He sent her a sad smile. This time, he didn’t bother to conceal his four pointed fangs protruding from his jaw. As far as he could tell, she didn’t notice. “You see, I was going to get in a debate of sorts. I was rather hoping you’d say… I don’t know, ‘ketchup’ or something. My personal favorite is adrenaline. It really adds that extra, I don’t know… An extra zing, so to speak—“

“—Wait. Adrenaline- that’s—,” Her sentence was cut short as she saw him approaching. Having no one to really lean on though life, she had depended heavily on mythology and religion to help her through; as such, it didn’t take much for the few pieces she had to fall into place. In that moment, she finally saw – really saw – his protruding fangs and his grey eyes flashing with what was unmistakab

Answer 1

Do I get a cookie, I read it all!

It was intense. Really good. Deffinatly something I would read.

Although one quick tip, you jump points of view, from the vampire to the lady and back again, it can get confusing. But it was still good.

Answer 2

its good.

i like it with the vampires.

Answer 3

Okay, Here goes: excellent visual descriptions: don't start with scenery but action; beware or repeating words; if you see an adverb, KILL IT ("Wearily, she rose" becomes "she heaved herself up" or "she strained to stand" - there is always a better verb): watch for wordy phrases that throw on the readers brakes ("period of night just after daytime" could jest be "lingering purple twilight")

My best advice from years of writing classes? Read it to yourself out loud and mark where you stumble. Then change it.

Good Job and best of luck!

Answer 4

well, your writing is very visual. i felt like i was actually there, watching the whole thing. which is good. i also agree with the answer the person above me gave. they did a good job on answering this. keep up the good work. i enjoyed this short story.