Critique This Poem?

Question

When I first saw your face

I looked at my lace,

I was too shy to be near you

Because everything I thought was true

It was a miracle it seemed

I thought maybe I had dreamed,

My heart wasn’t completely there

I thought I would share

But I didn’t dare tell you how I felt

When I was near you I would melt

I would just gaze

My heart was going through a maze

Tell her, or not?

I was in a tight knot,

I couldn’t get out

There was always some doubt

Would she love me back?

Or would my heart just crack?

Girl my love for you is just unbelievable

I can’t believe I met someone so incredible

So I wrote this poem to show you how I feel

So I could finally close the seal

But would it ever be

Between you and me?

Answer 1

Here's the thing dude, your rhyme scheme is aabbccdd etc.

It's AWFULLY tiring to read. Why don't you sum up what you want to say in, let's say 14 lines, and make it this:

a

b

a

b

c

d

c

d

e

f

e

f

g

g

Bam, not only is it a sonnet, but you'll find it's way more fun to read, to hear, and way more impressive. Poetry is about taking creative license. Be imaginative. Do things no one else has ever done before.

Beginners should stick to established formats until their ready to refine their art further.

Answer 2

nice poem but too sentymentil

thanks - http://potterys.blogspot.com/

Answer 3

i love it..............heres a nother 1

i was Born to tell you 'i love you'

and i am t-o-r-n to do what i have to,

to make you MINE

stay with me tonight.

and im tired of being all alone,

and this SoLitArY moment

makes me want to come back Home.

and im tired of being all alone.

--on the fone with jay

Answer 4

Ohhh lord.

I hope you want honesty.

No one starts off writing beautiful poetry, and I hope you understand that you are no exception.

Your first and biggest problem is the rhyming obsession. Rhyme is a poetic device; it is not the driving force behind the writing of a poem.

What IS the driving force behind a poem is expression. You have (or should have) an idea, an image, a message that you want to convey. You are dancing around it with this boy-likes-girl idea, but the way you've conjured it up is pretty lifeless.

You need to give texture and depth to your poem. You need a place, a scent, a feeling, a motif. Maybe your (shoe) laces can be a motif throughout the poem, symbolizing the overwhelming uncertainty and crippling fear that churns inside you with this girl, that always, always forces you to cast your eyes to the ground, studying your untied shoelaces caked in dirt, yet with your mind still on fire, her face branded into your thoughts like a dream from which you never awake.

Paint a picture with your words. Stop rhyming. Stop it. Don't do it. If you stop trying to rhyme, then words will flow to you--the right words, the beautiful, simple words, not just the strange word that happens to rhyme where you need it, forcing you to wrench and twist the direction of your poem into all sorts of irrelevant sidetracks. Let the right words flow, and rhymes and rhythms will show up in places you never expected.

To summarize:

Convey a message or an image.

Use a motif.

Knock off the obnoxious rhyming.

Give depth and texture to your poem.

Let words flow.

Scratch this and try again. Good luck on your rewrite.