Critique my excerpt? Do I have what it takes? (A tad long)?

Question

Here's a passage from a novel I'm writing, please critique honestly.

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ONE. A swing at my right jaw. TWO. An uppercut to my stomach. THREE. Claws grasp upon my neck, holding me against the bathroom wall. There are two problems here. One, I’m being choked. Two, I can’t see what’s choking me. It’s just me, being choked against the wall, by something I can’t see. This invisible monster lifts me upward, and throws me through my door, slamming head first into my bed frame.

“You little S**t! Where the h**l are you?!” I blurt out as I stagger to get up. But when these words leave my mouth, so does my resolve I just acquired a second ago. I am scared. I am terrified. Something wants to kill me. Something I can’t see.

“I love you.”

“Wh-What? Who said that?” Something grabs my head. Something I can’t see. I try to shake off, but to no avail. My executioner slams me face down on my bedroom floor. As I am pulled back up, blood spews out of my mouth, dripping against my chin, droplets of red twilight falling to their demise. I have a feeling my own is about to unfold. Palms crash against my spinal column, spiraling my body towards the Misa Campo poster thumb tacked on the wall. Whatever it is that wants to kill me, I can feel it approaching. I analyze my surroundings. My bed, which I am now on thanks to the smashing effect I dealt the poster. A window lies straight ahead of my room, which to the left of that said window, is my kitchen. Next to me, a window, followed by a drop dead fall of at least 18 feet. The thing is steadily approaching. I glance at the window.

“If I’m gonna die, I should at least die with dignity. I ain’t about to kill myself. I’m taking this ***** down.” I clench my left fist, and with my right, draw out my bat from under the bed. “You wanna do this you phucking pie grinder? Let’s get started.” I hear a growl. I kick off with my right foot, giving me the extra momentum and strength I need to make my infamous powerhouse swing. “You little invisible cocsucker!-” I swing my bat with everything I have.

“I love you babe, oh so much.”

“…What?”

My swing, blocked. My arm, caught. My bones, broken. I look in dismay as my right hand is bent all the way back, touching the tip of my wrist, losing my bat to the depths of the floor below. I attempt to breathe, but I can’t, something won’t let me. With one final push, my assailant shatters my body through the window, onto the dead fall of at least 18 feet I promised myself not to kill myself on. Now, here I am, bending through the air and about to succumb to my own death. I look up. And there it is.

“I can see you!”

Blank.

We are the sightseekers.

Answer 1

Good start, probably lose the ONE, TWO, THREE, but as soon as you get to the sentence "There are two problems here" you change the whole pace you built in the first three sentences and it was jarring. You need to keep that pace consistent and not mix action with thought, which is basically what you've done in moving from "punch" to "problem here".

The whole "red twilight" bit is going all artistic in the middle of an action scene, doesn't fit.

The sentence " I promised myself not kill..." is way too clunky. There's actually a lot of repetition of ideas in this piece.

And way too much dialogue that is probably unnecessary.

Can't fit the words with the players in those bits where you just have dialogue.

Hope that helps. Otherwise it's really quite good, but try not to match stylistics with raw action theyjust jar together

Answer 2

Great action! I like this much better when I think the person being attacked is a man. I have two problems: maybe the tone is a little to amused for someone who is getting the h**l beat out of them - ironic at first is good, but the horror should be sinking in and the tone should change; my other problem? You cannot tell a story if you are dead - it just doesn't work. I can think of very few examples of authors who did this successfully. Unless you think you are as good as Remarque, or more recently, "The Lovely Bones", your character has to live through it. My prof used to say that if you kill a character, you better have a d**n good reason - it has to move the story along, not end the story. I don't think even our hero Stephen King has done this.

Otherwise, I really loved it, but I don't think you've written the ending yet. Work on it some more, then consider finding and artist and turning it into a comic. I think it would translate really well.

Answer 3

its good

but y does this person love her and trying to kill her.

more info?

Answer 4

I like it

Personally I have no experience with this sorta stuff but as a writer too I would read this. It sounds really good and well thought out. But that's just my opinion : ]