Critique my poem, please be brutally honest?

Question

Death is like a dandelion

silver strands plucked one by one

Don’t seem to fall upon the floor

but swallow up the sun

Dying’s like the breeze

You float up into dark abyss

And fall upon forgotten knees

too soon.

Dead is like the dying

Only harsher still

You sink into a blackened cloud

Immersed in keeping still.

gone is like a sea of eyes

sunken in, evaporated

hollow in their dried-up humour,

Drowned in de-hydrating tears.

Answer 1

i really like it :) artisitc and i love the careful personification. congratuations!

Answer 2

Nice....I was unsure if this is a rhyming poem because at some points your rhyming and others, your not.  I would try to patch it up alittle and be sure to watch the flow.

Answer 3

The Rhyming issues don't bother me, they seem intentional enough.  What I have a problem with is that you have wasted words, you don't really say anything.  You are trying your hardest to make this gibberish sound like something.  

"Dead is like the dying" - you don't say?  How is being dead harsher then dying, at least when you are dead you are not in pain anymore (or so I'm told).  

It is a mess.  Doesn't mean anything.  

Answer 4

i really really love it. =) as a tip you could make the 4th stanza rhyme the way you did in the first one with the 2nd and 4th lines. =) great job  

Answer 5

it doesn't really have a rhyme scheme.

it did in the first stanza, and part of the second, but nothing after that.

unless that's what you were going for.

and in the third stanza, take one of the "still"s out. Repetition is something you always want to avoid.