Critique my poem please?

Question

This is my first poem posted on Yahoo Answers. I want to know, what do you think of it? What impression does it give you?

Two paths diverged

I always wish

Trap you here

We'll make the switch

Is it you who can go wherever you please?

From abyss to paradise with the greatest of ease

Will you find the way,

Or are obstacles too grand?

Was it external cumberments?

Or was it something within?

What tools did you use to forge your way?

Or was it just that I went too far astray?

I saw you ascend with no effort at all

To the castle in the sky

You see vivid and clear

What I've only ever seen in the surrealist of dreams

Was I too long comatose?

Will I make up for time lost?

I was stuck in the labyrinth

Time got away

I was scared and hopeless

I wondered what you would do if in my place

If you'd still be able to reach such great heights?

And if I was in yours

Would I have to watch myself falter again?

Answer 1

It's pretty good. Maybe elaborate with more details on the situations, but I like it a lot.

Answer 2

I think it is very abstract. Every line (that isn't a question) is telling the reader something, but not showing us anything at all. You TELL us about a castle in the sky but don't show us one. You TELL us that the speaker was scared and hopeless but don't explain anything emotional about those emotions. I'm scared when I think I lost my keys. Was it that kind of scared? I hope you see where I'm going with this. Poetry should be an attempt to paint a picture in the readers mind of an experience or emotion, and to create a mood through sound and rhythm.

I would suggest starting over and use this as the frame to build upon. And I'd also like to suggest forgetting about trying to make anything rhyme. (And maybe cut back on some of the questions.)

Answer 3

It gives me the impression of someone leaving you and it makes me sad. I don't know if that's what you're going for but that's what I'm getting from it.

Its a good poem though =) just kinda sad.

Answer 4

That is such an outstanding poem! That's on my "favourite poems list" now!