Critiquing for this poem (be harsh)?

Question

Death is like dandelion

silver strands plucked one by one

Don’t seem to fall upon the floor

but swallow up the sun

Dying’s like the breeze

You float up into dark abyss

And fall upon forgotten knees

too soon.

Dead is like the dying

Only harsher still

You sink into a blackened cloud

And drown in verted will.

gone is like a sea of eyes

sunken in, evaporated

hollow in their dried-up humour,

Drowned in de-hydrating tears.

Answer 1

You have successfully ridden in the Coach d'Bower and lived to tell the world about it. Your use of the climbing rhyme is very well done here. The tones ring like somebody won't get the friggen phone...

Answer 2

Love it.

Second verse, last line: Brilliant! lol.

It was unexpected, as I was expecting the metre to flow as before...so when it ended short...I was struck! And that unintentional pause (for me) made it sound a lot better.

I'd love to read some more of your work. Any place you publish online?

CRITICISM ( you knew it was coming...):

This criticism applies only to my opinion. Maybe I didn't understand what you meant (stupid me...).

The first verse provides great imagery, yet i cannot see how it relates to Death...unless you're saying that death never takes us whole, that we still live on, floating somewhere?

Anyway

Take Care

Love

Sameh

Answer 3

great poem, going from the rhythm early to the rhythm later is a bit harsh though.