Critque my <span title="poem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?">poem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...</span>

Question

sitting alone crying

wishing that you were never dying

waiting in the emergency room

reminiscing of what happened

written blood on walls

an open cut in you heart

wondering who could have done such a thing

as time passes by the doctors come

with blood on their hands and shirts

they stare at me for a moment

and then ''he is dead''

i bow my head and slowly walk out the room

my feelings change

the way i live now is different

i wish i could go back and prevent this from happening

i make my way home

i sit on my bed with my hands covering my face

i think for a while

then i stand and walk slowly to the kitchen

i grab a pen and a knife

i wrote 2 letters

one for my friends, another for my family

i tell them i love them

and i will see you soon

as i take my final breaths i slowly start cutting my wrists

only wishing the pain would feel so much similar as my friends pain

the last seconds i drop

forever sleeping

Answer 1

oh wow, i would consider this a song.

this is so beautiful.

Answer 2

i have to say it&#039;s a bit dull.

too straightforward, plain and forgettable

that the mood just doesn&#039;t come through.

Answer 3

Ah!!! my god! Do you call that **** a poem? No way. It&#039;s too direct and lacks artsy. The things you could improve are...your diction (too simple and &quot;shallow&quot;), your voicing, your expression of thoughts (It&#039;s very direct, I felt I was reading about a daily conversation). The theme...well please try to write abot different things, why does everybody write about these depressing emo garb*ge? Be creative.

Sorry, this is how I&#039;d rate it: 0.25/10

Lulle

Answer 4

Needs a little work, imho, but it&#039;s a start.  I can&#039;t tell you what to do with it, you work it out.  It&#039;s just doesn&#039;t seem depressing enough.  Needs a bit more despair as well.