Crying for help ! My 5 year old just got suspended from Pre-K!!! Halp Please...?

Question

My 5 year old son just got suspended from his school,you may ask what did he do,....Well because my 5 year old,my only child did not get to pick a movie for Movie Friday,he lost it.....He kicked his teacher and he bit(bite) her.I am so shocked,dissapointed,angry,ashamed and perplexed...I am a single mom and he has been given everything he wants and needs..But this past week he has been really acting out and he finally topped TODAY...so my people please help me in giving me advice on how to deal with my new little problem.. And what form of punisment.......thanks in advance

Answer 1

I am a preschool teacher and I have been working with this age group for the past 5 years.  From what you've said, the first piece of advice I would offer, as others have said, is to be careful about giving him everything he wants.  There's a fine line between want and need, so be careful there.  But you are not alone in your dilemma and I wanted to offer some advice since I've seen this situation many times, often with a "happy" ending.

The thing to consider here is that there is usually an underlying issue causing such behavior problems. Just as toddlers are beginning to walk and three year olds are getting good with fine motor skills (drawing, cutting, etc.), preschoolers are perfecting their social and emotional skills.  Part of this includes learning how to handle situations that aren't to their liking.  Talk to your child like he is an adult, but using child-appropriate language.  If you give your child the opportunity to explain himself, you may be surprised at the depth of detail which he can provide.  (I have one child currently who throws tantrums and he will explain to me when he's calm that his brother kept him up at night so he didn't get enough sleep.  He understands there is a correlation!)  That's another important point, talk to your child when he is calm and try to let him do the talking.  He's not going to say much if he's afraid that what he says will get him in trouble so try approaching the situation with something like, "Is there something that's bothering you that maybe I can help you fix?"  Don't underestimate your child.  You can also allow him to come up with his own punishment.  Naturally he'll want to say something like no t.v. for a half hour, but just negotiate with him until he can convince you (and himself) that his punishment is fair and fits the crime.  Always always always make sure he considers the offended party's emotions (the teacher).  Also, forcing a child to say sorry is empty and teaches him nothing, consider having him use phrases such as "I realize I hurt you and that it wasn't nice to kick you."  He really may not be sorry until the underlying issue is resolved.

Finally, I don't know your the preschool you were at or the ones in the area, but the teacher and environment play a huge role in how a child reacts to a situation.  Since you are forced now to find a new preschool or other child care option, take a close look at who your child's teacher will be and how they handle discipline and conflict in the classroom.   I'm not talking about looking at the center's policy on discipline, I mean really observe the teacher for at least a half hour or so (by the way, if the center doesn't allow this in some form, just walk away).  Finally remember that the correct environment will completely transform a child and their attitude.  We had one child who had been kicked out of six preschools before he came to us and he has been with our program for over 6 years now (school age now) - and he is the angel of our school.

Basically, there are two points I'm trying to make: 1) Find the real reason for the behavior - dig deep and 2.) the more you give your children the opportunity to act like an adult, the more they will take the challenge and try.  Good luck with your angel (because they ALL are!)

Answer 2

You need to say NO and mean it.  If he kicked his teacher and bit her what does he do to you?  Is anything bugging him or is anything bothering you?  Kids can pick up if parents are stressed.  I'd take a favorite toy away for awhile or a TV show.  Or put him time out like super nanny does, but explain to him why.

Answer 3

Well I would give him a swat and tell him he doesnt get to watch any movies this weekend either.

Its hard to reason with a 5year old they just don't quite get why some action isn't okay.

When he does return to school you remind him each morning when you drop him off he will not bite or kick anyone and especially not his teacher! continue to reinforce the rest of the school year.   The only hope I can give you is he will mature over the summer!!

Answer 4

Don't try to be his friend. You're his parent. Let him know how serious this is, and that it can NOT happen again.  

Like others have said, he needs to practice controlling his emotions - it's fine to feel disappointed or angry, but it's not fine to hit kick and bite.

There are many resources out there to help you parent your child - use them, and keep on trying. Don't give up when it gets hard!

Good luck!

Answer 5

wow - sounds like a lot of anger built up in that little 5 year old boy. I would suggest a counselot to see what's eating him and to help you deal with it. Is there a dad in the picture?  That can explain a lot as well. In the meantime, respect the suspension and share with his teachers what you learn at the therapy sessions - consistency between home and school will be the key.

Answer 6

Spanking

Answer 7

well he is just a kid you have to understand. But i will suggest to punish him with the thing he likes the most. Like video game or tv tell him he wont be able to use those things tills starts being nice in school. Show him  how to be nice. Play with him  pretend your his teacher just spend time with him.

Answer 8

Yeah, the first thing he needs is discipline.  I know tons of people who got everything they ever wanted and it ruined them forever.  When they don't get everything it makes them appreciate what they have.  Also, you should talk to him about anger and why we don't hit/bite/kick people.  If you think he has a problem you could take him for a counseling session.  You should punish him by taking away something he likes for the time of his suspension.  That way he will see when he acts up he loses privileges.

Answer 9

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it sounds like once again we have a case of a spoiled child. By giving your son every single thing that he wants in life, you have taught your child that he should always get what he wants when he wants it. Because of this, when someone told your child no, or did not give him exactly what he wanted (in this case picking a movie for Movie Friday), he was angry, because he did not know how else to react, because he's always had exactly what he wanted.

The best way that you can deal with your son's behavior is to start setting limits on your son, and the things that you give your son. All children need limits and while some children will rebel against your limits in the beginning (which is perfectly normal) as they grow older they will need the limits more and more and appreciate them a great deal. Begin by setting limits on little things...homework has to be done before watching television or playing video games, a routine bedtime at the same time every night, some easy chores with a rewards system for those chores. As for the hitting and the pushing, and the biting, and the bad words, or any other bad behavior a child shows, begin by taking privileges away. For instance, if your child loves playing video games, every time that they do something wrong, that you have put in the rules of things that they are not allowed to do, they get a warning, then if they do it again, they lose that privelage for the remainder of the day, week, or whatever. When children have things they love pulled out from under them, they realize that their actions  have consequences, this is generally more accepted by children then spankings or time outs.

When it comes to setting boundaries for your child. List one rule that you absolutely want your child to follow on a piece of posterboard, such as No hitting. Then, let your child name a rule that he thinks he should abide by, like clean up toys when finished playing. Then you list a rule, then your child lists a rule. Write the rules on a bright colored piece of posterboard and hang it in a location in your house where your child and you can see it at all times. Whenever your child breaks a rule, he receives a warning, the second time, he has a privelage revoked. If time outs work for your child, you can try them as well. Your child should have to sit on a special chair, mat, beanbag, or step used only for time out, and not be sent to his room for time outs. A time out should last one minute for each year old your child is.

You can also try a reward system with your child. Pick a theme that your child likes, such as robots or Superman, and print off some coloring pages off the Internet. Than, let your child color them in. Then, cut the shapes out. Then, laminate them with clear Contact paper. Finally, attach Velcro to the backside of the laminated shape. Attach Velcro strips to a wall or a piece of paper in your house and hang all of the shapes up. Each time your child breaks a rule, give him a warning, the next time he breaks the rule, he has to remove one of the shapes. If he has all of the shapes at the end of the day, he gets a small reward, a piece of candy, a "dollar" towards buying a prize at the end of the week, or some other sort of incentive. As your child learns to follow the rules, see if he can keep his shapes up for an entire week, and reward him with a larger prize. The prizes do not have to be monetary by any means, it can be something as simple as one less chore to do, or one extra story at bed time, to staying up five minutes late on a weekend, to getting to watch a favorite movie.

If you need someone to vent too, or need any more advice, feel free to contact me privately, I'd be happy to lend an ear or advice if I am able to.

Answer 10

Your child has no value for respect.  He didn't get what he wanted and this is what he did.  Being a single parent is tough but, being too lenient with him is just as bad as abusing him.  Think of it this way, he will grow up to be unhappy and dysfunctional if you allow him to get everything he wants.......and you will have a lifelong problem with him.

Love him with boundaries and demand his respect.  If he doesn't comply, the circumstances need to be consistent and harsh enough to where he won't do it again.  Put a little starch in your spine, Mom...this is just the beginning of problems with him if you don't change the way you deal with him.

I don't like to give harsh advice when blogging but, many parents make this big mistake with their kids and act like they are clueless as to why "Johnny" acts that way.  Wake up!!!  And most of all good luck.

Answer 11

if this is a new problem there maybe someting worrying him. try speaking to him. things changed at home? if this has been happening a while you need to be strict with him. reward him only when he deserves it! if his behaviour warrants it take away a fun thing like tv or outings etc. praise him (go overboard )when he is being good. hope this helps!

Answer 12

I agree with "lab."  He needs to learn the meaning of the two letter word, "no."

Biggest of all, he needs to realize why you are punishing him.  He needs to see the relationship between a treat and appropriate behavior or being a brat and punishment.  He needs to see that you aren't being mean, rather that he hurt someone and made you feel bad.

No need to be overly austere.  You still want to be his "friend."  Maybe making him help cleanup instead of watching a movie, or making him apologize and draw a picture (or short note if he can write) for his teacher would help.

Good luck!

Answer 13

what to do talk to him why he did it if starts to hit you say quit it  and sent him done to his room  if he listens say honey why did you do it let him explain and teach him the right way how its  suppose to be  taughtin in this world just act like you are seruiss and berave  teach him a new lesson and go to the school and let him appolize and just say to the persson i charge that he is not gonna do it agani  .   im 10 and i know to handle kids  it works try it.do what you have to do.

Answer 14

Well for starters... stop giving the kid everything he wants! That's why this happened. Explain to him WHY this was wrong (He's little, he won't understand otherwise), and then punish him.

Answer 15

The problem is that he HAS been given everything he wants, he has not learned how to take NO for an answer.  I am a preschool teacher and assistant director of a private school, and I would also have suspended a  child for a few days that displays this type of behavior.  Maybe even dismissed him from school permanently.  If the child will do that to a teacher, what might he do to another child.  

May be you should take a parenting class to learn how to discipline your child.

Answer 16

unfortunetly giving your child everything they want does not work outside of your house.  You need to lay down some rules at home.  Biting at 5 years old is unacceptable and you need to explain this to him and why.  you could also give him alternative ideas to dealing with his anger.  But, most importantly it sounds like things at home need work.  He is getting older which only makes things more difficult if they are left to go on like this.

Answer 17

well, I understand how do you feel, but really work on control yourself first, it is the hardest part I tell you for experience, and then i would talk to him and try to teach him other way to act when we feel ungry, it is ok to feel like that, sometime, and you have the right to feel like that, to express yourself, but what it is Not ok is to hit,  tell him if you feel ungry maybe try to breath and count in you mind, or maybe take yourself alone for few minutes, or when you (mom) see him he is getting ungry for something ask him, give him a paper and a pencil tell him, here do you feel ungry,?? show me write or

draw  me something express yourself i want to know how do you feel show me a picture or scrible, and the most important thing is the role model. Be a good role model for him, about this feeling, and after all take it easy he is a five year old, he is learning all this, don't feel bad.

I wish you good luck!

Answer 18

Yep, it sounds like a five year old.  In behavioral psychology, you reward a person as they approximate the behavior desired.  Positive reinforcement works because it is rewarding and it lasts. We like to be given warm fuzzies.

What might be happening is that your child is not aware that he is given everything he wants and needs, because certain behaviors are expected of him.  Talk to him. Tell him that he gets this for doing that.  That new toy is a reward for a CERTAIN behavior.  Basic necessities really should not be used for reinforcement. But wants, YES.

We all function on behavior reinforcement. We behave, we get rewarded.

Now that your child has everything that he wants and needs, you can begin to provide negative reinforcement.  Withdraw a toy from your child or whatever thing from his room.  He must earn it back.  State very specifically the behavior desired, at his understanding level.  For example, say, "You kicked and bit your teacher. You do NOT do this, it is not good. ( a little morality lesson). Because you did this we will take away ........

We are going to practice what to do..... (Practice over and over. Let him tell you the desired behavior and model it for you. Positively, verbally reinforce him, even as he approximates the behavior.  Tell him that the return of his toy is contingent on the appropriate behavior (contingency association beh.) "When we see that you can, and I know that you can do this...... We will return the toy to you."  He should atone for his behavior by apologizing to the teacher, but only after his behavior is appropriate. He is confused and is not making proper behavior association with rewards. It will take practice, but it does work. Repetition at this age is necessary. Specifics are crucial.  You can even have him chart his behavior.  On the fridge. put :

A calendar. Each day that he exhibits the correct behavior expected, let him put a happy face on the calendar. Not only are you teaching him math., but behavior as well.  Praise him constantly, remind him that he is good and that we all make mistakes, but we do have responsibilities. Keep in mind that his time sense is not our time sense.

Another idea that comes to mind, is to ask him what is wrong. Why is he angry. Amazingly enough, he probably knows.  My last child did this to me at a store. I was amazed.  I sat him down and asked him what was wrong. He told me his mom had died! (She had to leave for a week to visit her mom who was dying). In his mind she was gone forever. I drew pictures with him and told him that this was not true.The misbehavior disappeared.

Also, don't feel guilty about his behavior. Work with it. Your emotional behavior will interfere with your working relation with him.  You are his mother, doing the best you can.  He is loved and cared for.  We can't give, and should not have to give our kids everything they want -  needs, yes, wants, no.

I sure wish you a good tomorrow.  God bless you!

Answer 19

It sounds to me that he has always had everything he wants and doesn't take lightly to being told no!  its so hard today being a single mum.  You want him to have everything as we all do but you have to find a way to do it without turning him into spoilt brat.  I am on my own with a 5 and 3 year old.  They have everything but i am now realising it is turning them into ungrateful brats, they expect it!  He is five and allot smarter than you think but not too smart to put a stop to this.

Answer 20

I have worked with this age for many years. Usually there are reasons the child acts out like this or in some way they are disrespectful of their teachers as well as other children. Some are obvious in that they have been abused and have had to learn how to take care of their environment. Others have been considered the center of the family. They need to know that the world does not evolve around them. They need the parents to actually say no and mean it. Not a parent who puts them in a time out chair that is cushioned, has stuffed animals and books to read close by. Children learn to treat others by the way they are treated and the way they are allowed to treat their parents and other adults. It might be a good idea to get a counselor's view on this type of acting out. It could also have to do with the reactions of the teacher too. As far as punishment it has to be something that the child will remember. Take away TV, games or special toys. It has to cost them. I don't believe in physical punishment. Good luck, be realistic, you are a caring parent.