DO you know any funny quotes? like....

Question

If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"

can a stupid person, be a smart ***?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time

The more you sweat in practice, the less you bleed in battle.

The breakfast of champions is not cereal, it's the opposition

If you make every game a life-and-death thing, you're going to have problems. You'll be dead a lot

If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score

what do you know , any reli gd ones>?

Answer 1

If you try to fail and succeed, what have you done?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Why is the time when the traffic is slowest called rush-hour?

What's the speed of dark?

If physics can predict lottery numbers, why are they still working?

If you run backwards will you gain weight?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you need to buy her friends?

What happens when you get scared half-to-death twice?

Can a blind person feel blue?

How can a house burn up when it burns down?

Are you telling the truth when you lie in bed?

If your vacuum cleaner really sucks, is it a bad thing?

How do you know when a Smurf suffocates?

Despite the cost of living, why does it remain so popular?

If a word in a dictionary is misspelled, how would you know?

In Chinese why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?

How does skating on thin ice get you into hot water?

Why are they called stands when there made for sitting?

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

When cheese gets its picture taken what does it say?

Why are a wise-man and a wise-guy opposites?

If work is so terrific how come they have to pay you to do it?

Should crematoriums give discounts for those who died in fires?

Is it possible to have a civil-war?

If the 2 pencil the most popular, why is it still 2?

Do tea makers have coffee breaks?

Why do they announce power shortages on TV?

Do you need a silencer when you shoot a mime?

Why do you press harder on the remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

If its zero degrees tonight, and tomorrow its meant to be twice as cold, how cold will it be?

Why are buildings called buildings when there finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

Why is it that when you tell a man there are 400 billion stars he will believe you, but when you tell him there's wet paint he has to touch it?

Who's cruel idea was it to put a 'S' in 'lisp'?

Do you find it unnerving that what doctors do is called 'practice'?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell is it homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Answer 2

If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.

I'm still an athiest, thank God.

Money doesn't talk, it swears.

Answer 3

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. - Lily Tomlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.  George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?  George Carlin

"If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia." Thomas Szasz

"I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there." - Joel Hodgson

Answer 4

there's always..

if FedEx and UPS merged, would it be FedUp?

if you shake up an oriental man, does he become disoriented?

Answer 5

Here's one that my coach made up:

"If gymnastics were easy, it would be called football"

hope this helps!

Answer 6

I'm not fat, I'm pregnant.

If your nose runs, why do your feet smell.

Why is Microbiology such a big word

Answer 7

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." - Mark Twain

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it." - Mitch Hedberg

"I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…or a game of fake heart attack." - Demetri Martin

"My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she turned 60.  Now she's 97, and we don't know where the h**l she is." - Ellen DeGenerous

"I'll always remember the last words of my grandfather.  He said, 'A TRUCK!!'" - Emo Phillips

"What year did Jesus think it was?" - George Carlin

"Weaseling out of things is important to learn!  It's what separates us from the animals - except the weasel." - Homer J. Simpson