DO you like the beginning of my story?

Question

I am only twelve, but I want unbiased critique.Rate1-10 , 10best. please ingore grammar issues, i was typing quickly.

It was a sunny summer day,and Daniel, having run out of sunscreen, was stuck in side. His skin was so pale it could burn in the middle of a thunderstorm. His foster mom was at the store, and he was watching his favorite show, Modern Marvels , on the History channel. It was just a boring rerun, so he was deciding whether the sunburn was werth biking all the way to his friend Will's house. He was getting his bike out when he heard the worst sound he had ever heard. He thought it sounded like a cat being tortured,and to his extreme disgust, he was right. It was his neighrbor, bruce. Daniel had started to back away, as if from a dangerous animal (which is actually an appropriot way to describe bruce). But, halfway, in his garage, he looked closer at the cat. It was not just a cat. It was his cat. the one he had trained, played with and loved since he was a baby.Daniel's control snapped.He bolted over and got right in the face of the man who was twice his age and size.Bruce,with a look on his face that quickly turned from evil to surprised and back again, laughed at the pale, sick looking twelve year old.Then,he made the biggest mistake of his life. He turned back to the shrieking cat, and sliced its throat. Daniel stood paralyzed with fear as the shrieking became quieter and quieter until it stopped altogether.THen ,Daniel ,with rage boiling in his stomach, walked calmly over to Bruce and said," That was my cat." Bruce started laughing again,but was imedietly silenced when the boy who had looked so weak moments ago lifted him and tossed him across the sky and on to the road. Daniel knew he would be hit by a car and killed if he wasn't removed (or already dead), but daniel was too overccome with fading anger and rising confusion to care. He turned around and went inside, afraid of his newfound strength.

Answer 1

'It was a sunny summer day' is an uninteresting and cliche beginning. Who cares about the weather?

The second sentence is confusing. You might want to say his skin was so sensitive. That makes more sense.

'The worst sound ever'. As poetic as that sounds, it reminds me of something a four year old would say.

Wow. Some ending. His cat is killed, so he murders a dude? Tough break. Seriously though, that might just be a tad bit melodramatic. If you don't know what melodramatic means, look it up.

Normally, I would say something like, "You suck" at this point. However, my drama teacher just spoke to us about what it means to encourage people. So, good work. I know how difficult it is to write, and how much courage it must have taken to post this. Keep writing!

Answer 2

Uh, wow, is all I can say. Wow. As much as I would've liked to overlook the grammar mistakes, they were too numerous and made the text harder to read. You also had misspellings and didn't capitalize the right letters and sometimes capitalized the wrong letters.

I have to agree with the rest in that killing a man because he killed your cat--no matter how precious and close he was to you--is a bit too melodramatic if not a tad extreme. Bruce sounds too unrealistic. Why would he just slit the cat's throat while the owner was watching? Why would he even kill the cat to begin with? And why would he be so stupid as to laugh at the boy or maybe I could say it was too cold of him, but why still?

None of those things make sense and while this story does have potential, it would need a lot of fixing up and an objective person to look at it and help you correct the mistakes. I don't want to hurt your feelings and you're only twelve, so I doubt I would've been able to do any better, but I'd rate this a three.

Fix up the mistakes and then repost it. If you fix up the misspellings and grammar mistakes ONLY, I guarantee you'll get a much better response to your story. And don't list your age next time that way you can get an unbiased critique. Some people feel they need to take it easy on someone because of their age, but that's not true because agents and publishers really don't give a c**p how old you are. Writing is a business and it's tough.

Anyway, like I said, wasn't trying to hurt your feelings or anything, but you should really fix up the grammar mistakes and look at it from a different angle. Be realistic. Would you kill a man if he killed your cat? Even if it was brutally? The answer, I'm hoping, is no. You could ask for ideas from relatives or friends and see if you can come up with something better.

Good luck!

Answer 3

Over a cat? Make it over something more important, at least. Like, I dunno... maybe he goes to Will's house, and the ride bike's together. Then someone could come and start picking on the pale kid 'cause he looks sick, so Will sticks up for him. Things could get physical, so Daniel could step in and use his super powers or whatever... then get scared and run away, leaving Will without explanation.

That was a rough description, but it was just a basic, kind of vague idea that made more sense than killing someone over a cat.

Edit: I meant *getS scared and runs away, confused as to what's happening to him.

Answer 4

i think it is, like you said, "a boring rerun"