Dammit, my whole family is crying and my dad doesn't understand...i seriously need advice.?

Question

okay, basically my dad runs the house like a dictatorship. everything his way, everything has to be perfect. today my mom was trying to encourage my sister to come outside and exercise and she wouldn't listen. so she woke up my dad and he was pissed. he starts to get abusive and stuff. all my mom wants is for him to spend time with his kids but he doesn't. then half an hour ago, my dad was cooking and called my sister downstairs just to ask what she was doing. (previously my dad had an arguement with my mom and said the "f" word infront of my 7 year old brother). so my dad told my sister to hurry up. and what she said was enough to make him take a wooden spoon out of the drawer and hit her repeatedly... "don't swear infront of neel (my brother)". all she was doing was showing concern for my brother and he does this? wtf?!?! and i was outside hanging clothes and i come in and tell him that my sister was right. then my mom comes in. he threatens to hit me, i dare him to hit me in the face he backs off, etc. then he goes into the dining room and complains how my mom brings her plants into the dining room. so inresponse, he brings some plants into the garage. then eventually, he left the house. he's still out of the house. who knows what he's doing now though. probably smoking and buying 40 bucks worth of lottery tickets.

my mom even talked to him today about how she's so scared to spend time with him because he's always so strict. and my sister told him how he always thinks he's the center of the universe. she said once he was mad and so he took one of their bed sheets and cut it in half with a pair of sissors.

he never has something good to say. i play on a soccer team, no matter how hard i try, he always has to point out a mistake. some parents after one game came over to our car to compliment my playing, all he had to say was "nahh i don't think so, he still has a lot of improving to do".

i'm honestly worried for my parent's marriage. i know... I KNOW for sure that my dad is a good guy underneath. its just that i don't know how to expose the good in him. tried talking, obviously didn't work.

please and thank you for your answers.

Answer 1

my dad is exsactly like that ... but mine try's to make up it with sweet or summink ... doesnt work though

Answer 2

Hit her repeatedly? This bothers me -- a lot. If it was hard enough to leave bruises, the police should be called and charges laid. It sounds like he has learned that there will be no consequences to his abusive actions.

First he was psychologically abusive, and now that's turning into physically abusive.

I understand your concern, but I doubt if you will be able to get your father to change. He has learned, over the years, that his behavior will get him what he wants. Why should he change that? It sounds like your father is the one who needs the help. Anger management, for a start. It also sounds like he's a perfectionist who can't stand for his family to be less than perfect.

I recognize that part of the situation because my mother was a perfectionist. Neither my father nor I were ever good enough. Eventually, I stopped trying to please her and went my own way. It led to more psychological abuse. The difference was that I wasn't hit in anger. (I got spanked as a kid for doing things I'd been told not to do, but that was my own fault for pushing.)

In order for your parents to work on their marriage, they first have to acknowledge that there is a problem. If they refuse to admit there's a problem, there is nothing you can do for them, unfortunately. They are adults ... at least chronologically.

However, there is plenty you can do for yourself and your siblings.

1) Are your grandparents nearby? Can you talk to them about the situation? Especially your maternal grandparents. Your paternal grandparents might be inclined to dismiss it by saying "Oh, well, he always had a bit of a temper." (They might not, but it's easier than accepting responsibility by saying "Oh, we screwed up as parents.")

2) If no relatives are nearby, what about your minister, if you have a church you attend? There are also school counselors you can talk to.

3) Trying to keep your siblings out of his way when he's on a rampage is probably the best thing you can do. Bear in mind that your siblings also have minds of their own and, eventually, you will not be able to protect them because they will go into it to protect the rest of you, too.

I do hope that you and your siblings have someplace safe to go.

The very fact that you are concerned for your parents, and that you are capable of seeing that your father has good points, despite the problems, says a lot for your maturity. I am proud to know you -- even if it's only electronically.

Good luck to you. I really wish I could help more.

P.S. How did the soccer game go when you were playing goalie?

Answer 3

I'm not an expert at this subject but maybe you should try to take control of the conversation like you did when you dared him to hit you.

Answer 4

He's not strict...he's abusive.  If your mother won't get rid of him, or take you and the rest of the kids and leave, then you need to talk to a school guidance counselor and/or the police.  That is not a healthy environment to be in....mentally or physically.  There is no excuse for abuse, and it needs to stop, end of story.

Answer 5

Wow...that's tough. I'm sorry to hear about the situation at your home, and rather than try to trivialize it & give too much advice (I'm not qualified to) I can only say that I'll pray for your family.

As for yourself, you should probably try to share this with someone who you trust, preferably someone older that you can confide in...even it its a guidance counselor, teacher, family friend, pastor....etc

It really sounds like your whole family should seek family therapy, but it seems (with the info you provided) that your father may not be willing....that doesn't mean you can't get help for the rest of your family though....God Bless

Answer 6

Not only is your dad controlling, he is abusive and a bully.

All of you need counseling to help you with this problem. It is not right that he sets on rule of standards for himself and another for your family. If your mother is afraid of him she should tell him if he does not get some help and fast that she and the children will leave. He is wrong and he is hurting you and your family in more ways than one.

If your mom does not leave, you should report your dad to Children's Protective Services so someone can intervene before he really hurts someone. He is a very unhappy person, but it is not right that he takes his unhappiness on you and your family.

Answer 7

that's abuse. there's no question about it. i'm scarred for you and your family. standing up to your dad and daring him to hit is dangerous but standing up for your sister is commendable. look after your siblings the best you can and don't wait for your mom to come to her senses she knows whats right and wrong but it is so scarey for a mom to make the changes she needs to.  why don't  you call a womens resource centre for supprot

Answer 8

Your dad does sound very controlling and shouldnt hit any of your brothers or sisters.  Although from what you say he respects you as he backed off when you confronted him and stood up for yourself.

Maybe your dad is jealous of you, the fact that you are good at sports and in his heart he is proud of you and proud to be your dad, he just finds it hard to express his opinion and support in that way.  

I think if your dad knew how you all felt about him it would break him inside although he wouldnt show it on the outside.

Be strong and be supportive for your family (just keep up what you are doing as it sounds like you are the rock in that household).

Id be proud to have a son like you.

    

Answer 9

d**n man.  I don't know what to say that will make you feel better.  What you are going through though actually reminds me of a book I read called "This Boy's Life" (it was also a movie that was released 15 years ago).  This story was based off of true life events that a young boy named Tobias Wolfe went through when he was 16 years old.  What happened in this story is that Tobias' dad Dwight would also treat his whole family like c**p.  His dad would eventually teach Tobias how to fight and beat people up in order to protect himself.  His dad always wanted everything to be perfect around the house.  He would harasses his family and would say just about anything he could to bring the family down.  When Tobias was about to recieve his college acceptance letters, Dwight attempted to through his letters in the trash.  Tobias found the letters and him and his dad both got into fights.  The end of the story basically resulted in Tobias and his mom leaving Dwight for good.  This left Dwight completely helpless, but his family was free in the end.  

I hate to tell you this, but if your family isn't getting along together, then divorce might be the best solution.  I am sorry, but you can't have people controlling your life like your dad does.  From what I am hearing, it seems like your dad will just continue to take control of your family unless you do something now.  Set down and try to talk to your day and see if you can straighten things out.  Otherwise, I am afraid that your family and your dad can't be together.  I am sorry about what you are going through man.  Your family is in my prayers.   God bless.