Daughter is almost 9 my husband is the only dad she's ever know, when do I tell her about her "donor"

Question

My husband has been the only person she has ever know (he came into her life before she was 1) Her "sperm donor" has only seen her once when she was 6 months old and left with his friends to go get high (TOTAL LOSER, I know). Also he lives in another state and has neven been involved financially or otherwise. Anyways now my husband and I are in the process of him adopting her and I was wondering if and when would be a good time to tell her, also HOW do you explain something like that.

Answer 1

i think you should wait till she is a bit older bt she does have the right to know and if she wants to meet him its her choice

Answer 2

I would wait a couple years so she doesn't react badly to it. I think that she needs to know that he isn't her birth dad but he has been there for her for everything. You don't need to make her hate her real father for what he has done just explain that her real daddy didn't make such a good choice and chose to leave not because of anything she did. He just couldn't handle the responsibility. Tell her that she needs to know this when she realizes that maybe she doesn't look like daddy or maybe develops something from her real father. You don't need to tell her straight out that her dad left her to go get high though. I would tell her when she is about 11 or 12. Depending on her maturity level and how able she is to comprehend issues that are beyond her.

Answer 3

I think she definitely needs to know, at least for medical purposes if nothing else. If she doesn't already know how babies are made, I'd wait until she did know, and then introduce the idea to her gently. Talk to her about different types of familes, and let her know that you and your husband both love her very much. Don't tell her that her biological father didn't want her, tell her that he couldn't handle the responsibility of having a child. You can't emphasize enough, though, that she is very much loved by you and your husband, and that your husband loves her so much that he wants to make her his own daughter. Make sure you tell her in terms she can understand.

I hope everything works out for you.

Answer 4

If she's almost 9, you certainly should have told her already.  The older she gets, the harder it will get.  Not to mention that certainly other people know that your husband isn't her father...what happens if she overhears other family members in a conversation one day?  Is that the way you want her to find out?  The news should definitely come from you, in a loving manner.

Answer 5

I'm 15 now, and my "real" father left when he found out my mother was pregnant.

I think you are definately right in wanting to tell your daughter now. I can remember when my mum met the person i now call "dad", so it was never an issue for us, but coming to terms with it younger really helps.

The so called 'man' that gave me life is dead to me.

Kenneth comings, if you're out there, stay out there.

My dad, the guy who rasied me, had a son before he met my mother, and he had another child wirh my mother. he and my mum split up, and he has had another child with his new woman. However, to me he is a saint. He sees me every other weekend, and he treats me as if i were his own. He is my dad.

You should definately tell her asap, but I dont know your daughter, so i dont know whether she would want to meet her real father. Have you thougth about what you would do ifd she wanted to meet him? I know i do not want to. But thats only been a recent issue for me.

If she really is adamant that she wants to, then a day out, with you, her, and the 'father' should be arranged. Or something that you feel is appropriate.

She is your daughter, and you and your husband are obviously very caring people, she is lucky to have you. Just do what you think is right, even if its the hardest thing to do.

Answer 6

That is a very good question. I would personally wait until she was older and really understood that kind of stuff. 9 to me is a little young, maybe wait until 10 or 11? I didn't even know about that until I was old! When you do tell her, explain what it is first and then explain the situtation on how "daddy couldnt....." whatever. or whatever the situation was. just tell her why that's how you did it. i can't really think of anything else. thats where i would start, so.. good luck!

Answer 7

You really need to tell her now. If you wait until she is older she will feel very betrayed. Be ready for some tears and some hard questions. But it is just one of those things that you have to get though.

She might want to find her real father, even if you tell her all about him, it is just human nature. so be ready with a plan to handle that.

Good Luck!

Answer 8

I'd wait at this point, It should have been open all along. Wait until she can understand. I have a "sperm donor" and that's what I've dubbed the fellow I've never met. I wouldn't say it to her, but if it's true it's true. If all he gave was sperm, then that's how it is.

Answer 9

Some times hard new just needs to be said. Let her know what happen in terms a 9 y/o can understand and go from there. She might be mad at first but she'll get over it. Just tell her youre wanting to legally make him her daddy now.

Answer 10

I only disagree with the previous two answers in that I would talk to your daughter about it now while she's still 9- I only say that because her father clearly demonstrated a predisoposition to drug abuse (which could indicate greater problems such as a family history of mental illness etc- all speculation on my part of course) As one respondee said- it's important you talk to your daughter in terms she can understand and that is age appropriate. Explaining that her "birthdad" wasn't able to handle the responsibility of raising a child and that her "real dad" loves her very much- and nothing she did made her "birth dad" leave. Also she may have a natural curiosity about her birth father's side of the family and if you're in touch with them now would be a good time for well supervised introductions (as long as everyone is open to that). Having a blended family can be a real challenge but it can also be deeply rewarding... Best of luck to you.

Answer 11

The best time to tell her, would be when she asks.  If she has never known another father, then likely she will not question who is her father.

If she does ask, then tell her the truth, that a male whom you barely know was involved with you way back then, and you conceived her and raised & loved her and met another wonderful man who truly loves her and wants to become her legal father (because let's face it, he IS her father, in all but the legal matters <fatherhood being the caring/loving/raising aspect of male parenting, which is exactly what he has done, yes?>).

If she questions who her male bio-parent is, tell her what little you know of him, including the last memories you have, and let her judge on her own.  It will show her how much you trust her and love her to give her the truth when she asks for it and let her make up her own mind as to her priorities and her own judgement of who her real father is.

This is the easiest and most caring way to handle it, and it should only lead to more happy memories for everyone involved.

Answer 12

You need to tell her now she is getting older go to a professional like a child counselor or one at her school and get good advice but really you know you need to tell her so do it she is old enough to know biological father and daddy any man can be a father only a good man can be a daddy make sure your husband is there when you tell her and let her feel however she want try to talk about it more than once though also there are good children's books on dealing with this stuff you are not the only one out there with this problem good luck..

Answer 13

oh no

Answer 14

You need to tell her you probably should have done this a few years ago. As far as how you tell her perhaps you could find a book about adoption and read it to her.  Then explain that though Daddy is her Daddy and always will be, that it takes a man and woman to make a baby, and that Daddy is not the man that helped make her. It’s possible she may ask why her natural father did not want her; at this time you can just say that he was not mature or ready to be a daddy. The man may be a loser but I wouldn’t say that to the child not at this age, when she is older and is more able to handle things. You can explain to her as gently as possible that getting high was more important to her natural father, then being a daddy to her. It may be harsh but it’s the truth and she should know this but at an appropriate age, like in her mid teens.  

Also explain to her that families come in all types, some children live with both natural parents, some live with only one, some live with none, in the end what is important is that a child gets love and a stable home to grow up in, has parents or adults he or she can depend on. Its also important that your husband let her know that this does not change how he feels about her and that he is her daddy now and forever.

Answer 15

Nine years it's been -- that is a long time, so it will make it more difficult.  However,she needs to know the truth and all you can do is sit down and explain it.  The sooner the better.  As like in a traditional adoption, ALL professionals now advocate for honesty as early as possible.  NO ONE advocates for waiting.  It was been shown to be a detriment.

However, please do not speak about her father in a derogatory manner.  He may very well be a big loser, but she is still his flesh and blood, so how you speak of him directly affects her.  

BTW, no matter how you feel about the father of your child, or the mother of your child in the reserve situation, "sperm donor" and "egg donor" are incredibly offensive terms.  These people are your child's other parent.

ETA:

EVERYONE has the right to his or her truth, no matter the circumstances.

Answer 16

Dont tell her. Why do you have to?. This is a lot for a young girl to understand. It might change things between the father she thinks is hers. If their relationship is good, I wouldn't mess with it.

Answer 17

Her father is the man that loves her and raises her.  e.g. she already knows and loves ther dad.  Tell her when she can understand (you know her better than anyone), but before anyone else does.

Answer 18

We're in the same boat, being that my spouse came into our lives when my children were 1.5 & 5 months, but we've told them right from the start.

My children are now 8 & 6, ask them they'll tell you, theres a HUGE difference between a father who gives you life, and a Daddy that gives you love.

I've never used the term "donor" with them. I've never put him down as being a loser. I answer their questions respectfully... he may not be much of a man... but he's still their father. Even if he doesn't deserve that...they do.

Answer 19

now would be a good time; trust me, she's old enough to understand.  I was told i was adopted when i was 9; i explained my daughter's not really existant father when she was 5 . . .give kids some credit, they understand more than you know.

Answer 20

I don't see why you should tell her at all. If you tell her all it will do is cause problems. She will want to find her real dad even though he don't care about her she will want to just because. Do you really want to her even be around somone that don't care about her? Or how about any influences she might be around if she started to spend time with him? If he made such bad choices and obviously still makes them since he still hasen't come to see her then what do you think he's out there doing right now? Who knows and do you want your daughter exposed to whatever he's doing? Most likely not.

There is no reason she should ever know your husband is not her dad. He derserves that right to be the only dad she knows.

Answer 21

What makes this rather sticky is the fact that your husband has been your daughter's dad all this time and finally NOW is adopting her? What was wrong before?

I think it is best to tell her the truth. He was a drug user and drugs became more important than anything else including her.  I'd leave the rest until she was older.  

I disagree with the poster above.  Thousands of women on drugs ignore their children. Why wouldn't a man do the same? The argument that it is a sickness is pretty weak given the propensity for many kids to recreate with prescription drugs.

Answer 22

Good Question - Perhaps call Dr. Laura? (Radio Psychologist) - She could give you the best answer - http://www.drlaura.com/main/

Good Luck -

Answer 23

I think your kid should have the right to get to know him first, and have a say in it, because then, all of a sudden they are being adopted by someone who dosn't want anything to to with them and they hardly know.I'm 11, and I've known I've had a different father for a long time-ever since I could remember. When I was 10, my mom contacted my real dad because I wanted to meet him. We tried to get him to adopt me because I wanted it, and he blew us off because he would have to pay money. My mom says we should leave my adoption spot open for people who would care about me enough to "pay" for child support. Instead, why not think about your husband in adopting her, or just never get her adopted. I think it's better to not be adopted than to be adopted by someone who dosn't care.

Answer 24

I'm not going to repeat previous posters, but I think you ought to really take Laurie's post to heart.  She is absolutely correct.  One thing I would like to add is that, as a recovering addict myself, I have a little insight here.  NO ONE in their right mind would EVER create a child and then abandon him/her to drugs.  Therefore, since her father was not (is not) in his "right mind", it should always be assumed that he would have raised her had he been able to.  What all that means is that NO, getting high is NOT "more important" to him than his daughter is.  What a horrible thing to say to a child.  The truth is, he is not able to parent at this time.  He is sick, and needs help.  He doesn't know he needs help, so he has never sought it out.  But that does not change the fact that he is ill, that if he was thinking clearly he would be there, and he would be doing all he could do for his child.  I'm sure that somewhere in his drug-adled mind, he does love his daughter, even if that love is burried under years of drug abuse.  THAT is what you should tell your daughter.

ETA:  Anyone in their right mind would not abandon their own child.  Therefore, he is STILL not in his right mind.  Drugs or no drugs, even a recovering addict is still sick and has character defects that may or may not be overcome in this life.

I wasn't suggesting that you'd say that to your child.  Someone else said you should, and I was appalled that someone would suggest saying that to a child about her own flesh and blood.  Glad to hear you wouldn't say that.  :-)