Daughter isn't used to mom as teacher?

Question

I teach a kids karate class and have for almost 8 years now. My daughterand son who are 6 have shown an interest in karate so they now come to my class. My son has adapted really well to the whole mommy is teacher thing. While my daughter has got into the belief that because I am mommy the rules don't apply to her and she doesn't think she needs to work as hard. She is a constant disciplin problem and its to the point I am threatening to nott bring her back if her behavior doesn't get better. There is another instructor who teaches on saturdays and I have tried taking her to his classes but he just tells me her behavior is the same in my class. She wants to learnm how can I shape up her behavior?

Answer 1

I, as a parent would not train my children with others.

They don't learn what everyone else is learning.

They get it all!!!

They get the legacy.

If they don't want to train the way I train them, then they get nothing.

They can go and play baseball or whatever they want.

No one will teach my children until they have learned my art. I don't want them to be flooded with all these misconceptions that are rampant today. Once they have an understanding of real martial arts, then they can learn from others. They will be able to discern what is sound knowledge from the BS.

Answer 2

Have her sit at the class when she misbehaves.  Do not allow her to participate unless she chooses to change her behavior.

She can sit and watch and learn from her peers.

If she continues to be a discipline problem, leave her out of class altogether and devise an appropriate responsibility for her while you are teaching (vacuum the house, clean her bathroom, etc.).

Learning martial arts is a privelege, not a right.  She needs to understand that.  It sounds like she needs to realize where her priorities are.  You say she wants to learn, but it sounds like she doesn't really want to learn MA at all.

Maybe she's jealous of your attention going to other students - talk to her at home - way before class - and explain what your concerns are and what you think is a fair way of dealing with the situation.  Let her know what the consequences of poor behavior are, and what you expect of her in no uncertain terms.  At that point the decision is hers - consequence or reward...

Answer 3

Your daughter is trying to figure out what the rules are and how they apply to her.  She's testing her theory and so far she seems to think her theories are correct.  Keep her in your class and, for a while, treat her harder than the other students.  Call her on her behavior and put her through the discipline process faster.  If that doesn't work (maybe she likes the attention) then ignore her unless she is doing something  unsafe.  Praise the kids who are doing things the right way, then praise her when she starts doing the same thing.  

Bottom line, don't think like her mom.  Treat her like any other student causing the same problems.  If it gets to the point where you would ask the parents to take a break from lessons, then don't bring her to class.

Answer 4

Treat her as you would another student. She has to learn the social behavior is different from the family behavior. This would be a great example to help her grasp the concept of obeying adults who are in a supervisory position, as well as humbling her for the long run.

Answer 5

Very simple. Tell her if she wants to learn, then she must change her behavior. If her behavior continues, then tell her 'you don't really want to learn' and take her out of the class. Don't bring her back right away, my guess is that after a couple of weeks she will no longer be interested in Karate. Deep down she really doesn't want to be there. It maybe that you want her there more than she does.

Answer 6

Wow does this sound familiar. It took my son a while and a lot of extra pushups to realize that on the floor of the school he is a student first and foremost and a son second. Explain over and over that discipline is for every student and she is a student on the floor of the school. No questions or alibis. She must be treated like the other students. Make her leave the floor a few times. I believe that made the biggest impression on my son when I gave him an order to get off my mat for not paying attention and fooling around. She may say she likes it to be around you for attention. So make sure she gets attention at home and before lessons. This is particularly important the younger she is. Young children are in short supply of critical thinking and she may feel left out even if you are paying equal attention to her. Another tool is to make sure you recognize her good behavior quickly. Positive reinforcement is more important for some individuals. I had one student who took 2 years of being a constant discipline problem. He finally straightened out and became a good student and his behavior all round improved. We have a letter from his parents thanking us for sticking it out with him.

Please use PCP praise correct praises every chance with her. This will feed her the attention she feels she needs. On the other hand you can't disrupt the class, as she will view this as a way to get attention. Good luck and hang in there. With patience I know she will come around.

Parenting is certainly not for the meek or faint of heart.

Answer 7

The moment you enter to dojo until the moment you leave, she IS NOT your daughter.  She is one of a number of little girls in your class.

Think it and live it.  Thinking it is easy.... actually setting aside personal feeling it something else, but if you do, the rest just happens naturally.

She is acting different because your own mind has classified her as different - stop doing that as the first and only step.

Answer 8

By letting her know that she's the daughter and your the mother and there is a difference between what the adult says and what the kid says.

Answer 9

be the hard a s s

I don't have kids, but have had my share of dealing with disciplin problems with the kids in our class.

I found that running a few extra laps for being late, 10 pushups per time they don't do as told or 60 seconds with their feet suspended (ab excercise) usually calms them down a lot.  if by the end of their training they feel some muscle ache, they usually start understanding the "ease" of paying attention.

Answer 10

My daughter was 8 when I started her in TKD.  She is 10 now and doing well, but she only recently began to like to have me for an instructor.  

I've played soccer and done martial arts most of my life, my daughter also does both of these things and wants to learn from anyone besides me.  As she gets older, and her friends are noticing me and asking me for help and asking me questions, she is catching on that it's cool that her dad knows stuff.  In the past, she was somewhat embarrassed.

Back to your problem though, our school recently implemented a "discipline action area".  It is essentially a "time out" area where the child is sent when they misbehave.  There is a sign and no one wants to get put there.  It's been up for about 3 months now, but it probably hasnt been used since the 1st month.  You might try that, then the peer response makes her want to get in line with everyone else.  

Another tip, in soccer, when I coach my daughter, I don't allow her to call me dad, it's "coach" and I don't treat her any differently (other than be more critical of her)  :o(.  

James

Answer 11

If your daughter is younger than 7 I can offer some suggestions. But if shes older than that you just need to go harder on her and let her know in the dojo you are her teacher not her mom.

Younger than seven wear a mask (doesn't matter what type) while teaching. This imposes all attitudes toward the class not at you but to the character the mask imposes. Force her to work. And don't let up either till she changes or quits. As she gets better periodically wear the mask. Don't let up on her. Eventually the mask should become a punishment if she slacks.

Answer 12

At 6 or 7 many children aren't ready to learn karate. There are many that can and will, but many aren't mature enough in our culture. Your daughter has to learn to be discipline in and out of class.

I've seen many children who say they want to learn but they aren't being totally truthful. Sometimes they say that because that it what they think you want to hear. Talk with her privately I find out if she is really interested or is she doing it because she thinks you want her to or because she doesn't want her brother to get more attention because he is doing it. You may have to find something they she and you can do together with him.

Other than that you have to draw the line in class with her just like every other student. If hey cross the line be consistent with the consequences.

Good luck to you and your family.

Answer 13

Change completly when you enter the dojo.....i dont think sitting her in the corner or anything will work

Answer 14

1. talk to her privately about the problem.

2. Give her a choice, she can come to class to  learn or she can just stay home. warn her

3. If she still insist that she want learn MA, warn her that she will be disciplined in class when she misbehave. Treat her just like anyone else in your class.

4. Otherwise don't teach her personally, let someone else teaches her and get the Saturday instructor to discipline her.

5..If you want to teach her personally. Only take her back when you receive good reports about her. Sometimes, a person takes time to mature.

Don't listen to narrow minded Sensei, he does not know what is talking about. "No one will teach my children until they have learned my art". Total bias with inflexibility. I feel sorry for his family.

Answer 15

Wow I thought it was because she was your daughter. It still could be because she is the daughter of an employee and still she thinks she rates special treatment because you work there. You know... I have connections attitude. I'm a tennis instructor and I had to put my children with other instructors when they were older.

See how she is when she takes classes at other places that you are not involved. If this is it you have a simple choice of talking to her about her mistake of thinking that she will be treated different, or remove her and place her in another Karate studio.

If it isn't that, then you still are lucky that you have caught this early. You have to be firm. Let her know that when you say something it is not a threat, it's simply like everything else...the truth. Back it up, no matter how hard, or when she's 16 it will be out of control!

Good luck and I'm sure that you will master this as you have mastered the art of Karate.

Answer 16

It's a hard thing to do but you may not want to bring her to class until she develops a little more maturity. Hopefully she will realize it's not worth goofing around if she wants to be a part of the class. I think that if you don't do something about it, your authority in the class in general is under the threat of being undermined, and the now localized discipline problem could turn into a miniature coup within your karate class. Since you are her mother you also have the option of training her in your spare time in private lessons.

Answer 17

I'm dreading the day my 2.5 year old will be able to join my classes.  I'm doing what I can to develop more teachers now to prepare - as the only instructors I have available are my wife and I.  I've taught cousins and other family members who have been able to switch to the instructor/student relationship, and I've had friends who couldn't handle the dichotomy.

As for your daughter's behavior, one 'trick' that seems to work well in a situation like this is to ignore your daughter's outbursts and only give her credit when the behavior you desire is shown.  The key here is that when she acts out, praise another child who is giving you the desired outcome.  A downside to this is that you also have a son in the class, so you have to watch how often he also gets praised for good behavior.

Your only other option (short of taking her to another school) would be to no allow her to train until she changes her attitude.  Like the above poster said, it is that "I'm-special-because-my-mommy-is-the-tea... attitude.  Until she can switch into a student role and see you as the instructor, she should not be in your class (or school, if she shows the same attitude with other instructors).