Daughter just turned 18 and now thinks she can do whatever she wants.?

Question

She had talked about getting tattoos, dying her hair weird colors, piercings, etc before she turned 18 and I always told her after she was in her own home and paying her own bills then she could do whatever she wanted, but while she lived in the family house she would follow the rules. 18 or 17 makes no difference. The rules are no to tattoos etc.. If she wanted to be in charge of herself at 18 she would need to get a job and her own place.

Well.. this summer she turned 18 and then spent a month at her aunts house, she came back with 2 tattoos on the back of her legs.

What to do now is my problem. I told her that she needs to look for a job and a place to live since she decided to test the waters so severelyy, not fixable. She has another year of school left and I am not sendingg her out on her own, but I have to find a way to let her know she messed up.. I have two other younger children, 16 year old not a rebel and a 7 year old that has the same personality as the 18 year old. I don't want the message out that I will let a major thing just go without sever repercussionss. hmmm anybody with real suggestions?

Answer 1

1. Legally you can throw her out....but do you want to risk her education?

2. You could let her finish school while she works part time and puts her money into an account, then when she graduates you can put her out.

Your options are limited, because either way you run the risk of her rebelling.

With option 1, she could drop out of school with the excuse that she had to work to survive.

With option 2, she could waste the money in her account, or leave when she graduates to gain more independence and then run wild.

I would suggest that you start talking to her with an open mind. It is best to be able to keep communication flowing so that you have some type of influence in her life.

If you keep the fight going...communication could break down and build resentment. Then she would never listen to what you have to say, and possibly cut off all communication.

You have to learn to let her grow as a person and learn from some of her mistakes. I realize from the way that your question was typed that you are used to being in control. The problem is that sometimes when we hold on too tight...we choke the spirit right out of the one we love.

Think long and hard about how you want to approach this situation, because it could greatly effect the way the relationships evolves or ends!

Best wishes

Answer 2

Well I disagree with the first comment.  Since she wants to act like an adult treat her like one.  When I turned 18 my parents said I had to pay something for rent (200 month) and pay for all my own things, food clothes whatever...  You should do the same for one it builds responsibility.  And for 2 if you continue taking care of her now whats to say she isn't there still when she is 35 living off of you.  As for the tattoos and stuff, let her do it she pays its her body and if she wants to ruin it let her.  If she doesn't want to pay you rent and obey I hate to say it but kick her out.  If you couldn't pay your mortgage you would get foreclosed why not treat her the same since she wants to be an adult.  Age doesn't matter.  Set an example for your children that are younger you are not a hard parent if you do so it means you care.  

Answer 3

Right on I am in total agreement with you. Not a good idea to put her out since she still has a year left of school but she needs to be taught a lesson. Maker her get a job so that she's not only responsible to provide for herself food/clothing but also help pay electricity bills. Put her on a strict curfew and responsibilities around the house. You sound like a wonderful, loving and caring father. You're doing the right thing.

Answer 4

you are both corect and wrong

as long as she live with you then she have to follow houserules like helping out, and not bringing bf's home if you dont want, weare acceptable clothes among her sibs to somewhat set a good pic

what she does on her own time, with her body is Not yours to dictate anymore, she is an adult now, as long as her doings dont affect her responsibilities and her behaviour (polite)

then you should lay off and let her make her own descisions

there is a fine line between her showing you respect that its your house, and you showing her respect that she is now an adult who can make her own choises

you have to start leting go, as you said she didnt even get the tatoos while living with you.

This is not a major thing for you to dictate, you raised her she is an Adult now, if you went on holiday to your moms house you would help out, clean up after yourself...but would you allow her to dictate how to keep your hair?

i dont think so, so start respecting and treat your daugther as an adult if you want her to behave like one and respect you as one.

What you do have the rigth to demand is following house rules (not raising rules your done raising her)

- clean up after herself

- help out around the house

- do things your way as she do them

- behave politely

- and in no way be a burden to your family

- pay for her own things (short of rent and food - if you want to donate these to her, if not then you can ask her to pay some for that as well)

this is her contribution and responsibility as an adult living at home on favor of her parent

what she can demand is that

- you realise she is an adult and stop 'raising' her, but let her make her own choises as long as these are not burdening to your family (like coming home at 1 am in the morning wasted and waking up her sibs)

anything she can do legaly that is not a burden to your family life, is things you should lay off, her having a tatoo is not a burden to your family life. And punishing her is not constructive at all, the tatoos are there for life, it was her choise, and she was old enough to make that choise. You cant controll you kids for the rest of their life, and there comes a time where you have to start leting go in respect of the fact they are not primarily your kid anymore, but a mutual adult whom you should treat more like you would treat your friends, then you do your kids.

You should be aware if she is still in school she can aply for extended child suport from the parent she dont live with, because its not posible to hold down a job and earn enough for most teens to finish high school, in college you can get loan for the education.

Answer 5

As a neutral (I'm not a parent, and haven't been a teen for some time), I always like to think I can understand both sides in conflicts like this one. On this occasion though, I really feel unable to relate to your point of view AT ALL.

Sorry to be so blunt, but your attitude to me smacks of ego boosting rather than caring.

A few facts:

1. This is 2008, not 1938.

2.She's 18 not 15.

3. In most societies, 18 is considered the age of majority.

At this age, the only ground rules you should have the right to apply are those that deal directly with her role within the family: helping around the house, how late she stays out, maybe contribute a bit financially. Otherwise, 18 = HER LIFE = HER BODY. To object to tattooing (and hair, piercings etc) is as irrelevant as your opinion about which clothes she wears, or how much make-up she uses. A 'major thing'? Far from being angry, you should be thankful that she has never REALLY abused her body with drink or, worse, drugs, as so many of her age and younger have tragically done.

If it bothers you so much, you could simply insist that she covers up the 'offending' areas in your presence. Otherwise, take my advice and draw a line under this, before you do any more damage to your father-daughter relationship than you have already.

Edit (4 hours or so later):

James, hi. Hey look, sorry, I probably did come on a bit    strong earlier. There are some times I just get a bit mad inside, often for the littlest thing...

Now that I've read your addendum, while I stand by much of what I said, I realise your family is a complex book I've been trying to judge by its cover - even if you did paint that cover yourself. I'm only human and I'm not always right, any more than you are.

(One thing you won't have gathered is that I live in Britain, where the age of majority is also 18, but it is far less common to be still a mere 'high school kid' by that age).

Yes, of course you want to do the best by your daughter and her siblings. The point I was trying to make is simply that there are ways and ways of doing things. At this point, the only real advice I can give is to keep the lines of communication open. Talk, ask and above all, LISTEN. Perhaps, deep down, this is a sign of insecurity on her part. Was it that she wanted body decorations so badly - or was it that she was simply fed up of you telling her she couldn't? Does she feel that somehow you don't recognise her feelings as a young adult (or, as she no doubt sees it, a FULL adult)? If this is the issue, then it is something you have to reassure her about.

I guess I'd better leave it there, except to say that it is my belief that there is no family row that is so great that it cannot be resolved by a good hard talk - and a little give and take on both sides. Good luck.

Answer 6

Since you are not yet sending her out on her own (which I would have done) you need to severely curtail any and all of her privileges, inc activities, computer use, phone, going out, etc and pretty much keep her on the shortest leash you can. She should not be allowed to just enjoy everything as before without any repercussions. And NO allowance, of course. She is testing you so be careful here.

Answer 7

She's 18 years old, and you really can't do anything about it. Legally, you are just another person in her life. And it's very narrow minded and rude to think that getting tattoo's is 'messed up'. I'm a christian, born and raised and even I think tattoo's are amazing.

If you push her too hard and keep telling her she messed up, you're going to lose your daughter and a chance at a relationship not full of conflict.

Answer 8

wellll if you raised your daughter right then i dont understand why you would be trippin but if you are having trust issues or anything like that then maybe you should ask her one on one why she did it and tell her what she did was very irresponsible and immature, and she's not responsible enough to live on her own if she got tattoos after you told her not too,she's obviously not been raised correctly or she hangs around with the wrong crowd.

Answer 9

She is 18 technically she is free to do whatever she wants.  I know what would have happened if I came home with a tattoo or piercing when I was 18, 19, 21, 25 whatever... my dad would have still shown me that he is in control.  you need to let her know that you are disappointed with her, but the tattoos are there.  Teach the younger ones that it is wrong thats all you can really do.

Answer 10

Seems your hardcore rules and her breaking them are going to result in a showdown.  You've got a couple of options you can explore including having her find her own place even through her last year of school or taking her down to a doctor to have the tats removed.

Answer 11

Hi,

First I have to say that I'm in agreement about restricting tattoos, piercings and any kind of permanent change to the body.

But if the issue is weird hair color you should cave and let them do their hair any color they choose, that can always be undone with no difficulty, other than the chance of drying out your hair and ending up with a head full of frizz.

You have to pick your battles and make sure you win.

The aunt that she spent the summer with was just as much to blame as your daughter, since your daughter is still in High School and under your roof, she was obligated to check with you before allowing the tattoos.

Have you told your daughter how disappointed you are in her behavior?

Have you explained to her that as much as you object to her disfiguring her body before she's old enough to understand the long term effect this could possibly have on her life, your true objection is the underlying realization that she has broken the bond of trust between the two of you?

Personally I'd suggest sitting down and discussing that with her, along with explaining to her that she is a role model for her sisters and even though it may not seem fair, she has to remember that what she does also effects them.

As far as a punishment, for lack of a better phrase, make an appointment with a Dr, require her to pay for it, and find out what the cost would be to have the tatoos removed.

Make her get a job and save that amount of money,  I wouldn't suggest making her get them removed but she should save enough money to get it done if she should need to in order to obtain a position in the future that wouldn't be offered to her with the tattoos.

And limit the places, days, times that she can go or stay out, until she has earned back the trust that she so willing flushed down the toilet by choosing to have something done that she was aware you would object to

You really have to find a middle ground where she isn't totally off the hook, and you aren't the ogre that you want to avoid becoming.

Rebellion is natural, but we all have to learn that our actions have consecquences.

Good Luck