Daughter sneaking out and ex doesnt care?

Question

I have a situation and Im not sure where I stand anymore. I have custody of my 3 kids. My son is 16, and I have two daughters ages 14 and 12. My ex-wife gets the kids one week a month in the summer and then every other weekend during the school year. Well, this is her week with the kids. My wife(both me and my ex are remarried)was on her way home from work last night at 1:30 am, and she saw my 14 year old daughter Karsyn and a couple of her friends out walking around! At 1:30 in the morning! My wife drove the friends to their houses and as it turns our Karsyn was spending the night at one of the friends house and they snuck out. My wife brought my daughter back to our house instead of taking her back to her mothers. Needless to say, I was livid. Karsyn refuses to tell me why they snuck out or what they were planning to do. I grounded her "til further notice." I also found out this isnt the first time she's snuck out when she was with her mother. Now my ex-wife is mad at me for punishing her without consulting her. The thing is she never sticks to punishments. She always makes me be the bad guy. She said that our daugher sneaking out is just her being a teenager. This is the reason I hate having my kids go over there, because she just doesnt care. What are your opinions and how do you think I should handle this?

Answer 1

For starters if you have custody of your children you do not need to consult with your ex about how you choose to disapline her or for what reasons, etc.... Your ex is entitled to do as she wishes at her home and follow through with your rules (or not)... just as you have the right to either follow through (or not) with any disapline her mother has given out at her home.  You really can't enforce others to follow through when she is not under your authority.

Anyhow... I don't think your ex wife has any business to be upset with you about not consulting her.  You don't need to check in with her for everything... the courts seen you fit to care for your children and it is your job to make any/all decisions for your child based on how you see fit... and if you choose to include the mother in those choices then so be it... but it's up to you - and only because you are taking her into consideration - not because you have to.

The idea that the child snuck out of the house is serious business in my mind.  Not only is it extremely dangerous for her to be roaming the streets with friends at 130 in the morning - it's breaking the rules... and she knew it when she did it or she wouldn't have had to "sneak" out to do it.  Too many things can go wrong and the excuse that she is just being a kid is a cop-out.  No wonder the courts didn't give the mother custody... I'm not trying to talk badly about her, but her judgement in this single example says a lot to me.  

Your child doesn't realize she is not invicible and there are a LOT of bad people out in the world.  Sure she was having a blast doing something she knew she wasn't supposed to be doing, hanging with friends, and doing something only adults do (in most cases).  I don't know if your city/county has a cerfew, but ours does... if you are under 18 you must be accompanied by an adult (parent or guardian only) and if you are caught you get taken to the police station where your parents have to pick you up.  You could call your local police station and see what kind of rules they have and how they handle it - and maybe take your daughter to the police station for them to explain what happens if she were to be caught out after cerfew.... in addition you might consider asking the officer to also explain what kind of horrible things they have seen out there after hours.  Kids (and other) can be raped, murdered, get involved in the drug scene, prostitution, gangs, and you name it... Your local police station should be more than accomodating to your plea for assistance in "scaring" some sense into your daughter.  And it's not a bunch of made up stuff either... she needs to hear it from someone other than parents - someone she might respect - like an officer!

Good luck to you and don't worry about the ex - you did what is right and I wouldn't unground your daughter at least until after school starts... maybe even longer!  She needs to realize how serious this was.  In addition she would be doing a lot of work around the house.  My kids get in trouble and they get to work around the yard, the garden, picking up sticks, mowing the lawn, trimming bushes, you name it... they are 16 and 13 (my oldest kids).  My youngest is only 3 so she's not into that kind of trouble stuff yet~

Answer 2

You did the right thing.Your daughter keeps doing this because she is getting by with it from your ex.And I don't see it ending anytime soon unless your ex puts her foot down.Doesn't she know what can happen to young girls out on the street.this woman needs to take some parenting classes.

Answer 3

I think you did whats right.  She's 14, at 1:30am drunk men are out, safety reasons no teenager should be walking around that late.