Daughter wants to live with dad now

Question

She is 16. I have a decent relationship with her dad

They became acquainted when she was 6. I was full time mom with no help at all from. When he learned of my still being around he asked if he could see her. I said no. Then later, my daughter starts asking questions about her dad. Where is he, etc.. I decided that it may be a good thing that they have some kind of rapport - he was never a really "bad" guy just inability to be a father. I asked to meet at his place. After thorough inspection of his life I threatened him that if he ever walked out of her life that he would never be allowed to see her again. Fortunately they stayed close.

He is a decent father to her. I don't agree with some choices. He's getting married soon to a woman (barely) who is 7 years older than our girl. My daughter thinks she is "cool" and they get along.

I asked her what her reasons were for wanting to live with her dad, she said, "Mostly because my dad's getting married soon and I want to get to know "....." better and I want to spend more time with my little brother.

After some contemplation, that I couldn't justify her going to live with her dad in order to get to know the fiance, who lives with him, but I could understand missing her little brother. I said that she could have a temporary stay - spend a couple of months of living with her dad and then she could see life with him while going to school in his house while not on vacation time from school.

I, also, am getting married. It will involve a move. When we move, she will have extended time with her dad in order to make up for the every other 3 night weekend she usually spends with him.

She has complained that her dad doesn't spend enough time with her when she is there and I am afraid that is part of why she wants to move in with him... maybe (in her mind) if she spends more time over there the opportunity will arise that he will pay her more attention. For 7 years I have offered two weeks uninterrupted, this year was the first time he took it, and it was only for 1 week.

She wants to live here and graduate highschool then move in with me to start college after graduation. That's two years from now. I fear that his lack of attention will lead to bad grades and her not graduating in time. I don't plan to move for about 4 months. I get married in 3 mo.

Thank you!

Answer 1

let her and enjoy this time to yourself

Answer 2

as u are going to get married ask her daughter about your suggestion, if she accepts you ask her to stay with you as girl child can live better with mom than dad, ofcourse dad also can love more, but when he gets married with other girl, he and the step mother wont look after her as u take care of her

Answer 3

Your in areal difficult situation because she has every right to go live with her dad but then if lost his parental rights then that might change...You have to make the decision yourself  but explain to her your feelings of the situation maybe she' ll see it differently then and this step mom of hers sounds like a gold digger looking for a place to stay and lounge about shes still basically a kid it gives me the shivers just thinking about it...

and is her younger brother the step moms or her dads from another relationship?

Answer 4

As a parent, I wouldn't agree to let her go. You say that he lost his parental rights years ago. Why would you want to give them ALL back? Visitation is fine for the time being.

I'm thinking that she only wants to live with him because of the little brother. But once the newness of the situation wears off, she's going to be changing her mind and wanting to come home. The rules of her father's house and yours will be totally different. It's also the age of the soon-to-be stepmother. She spends time on the computer and maybe your daughter feels they could be best buddies because they share a common interest.

I've been through this situation with my stepson. My husband had custody and his son wanted to live with his mother when she had her 4th child. (By a 4th man) He lived with her for about 6 months...got bored with the situation, (the newness wore off)...and it was another trip back to family court which we had to pay for...again!

It's not a decision to be made on a whim. If you have tried to have conversations with this woman and she refuses to acknowledge you, then it seems like the decision has already been made for you. I, personally, wouldn't allow my child to live with her father when the future stepmother refused to take notice of me or my attempts to just talk.

Think back on things your daughter has done. Has she gotten something she was just dying for...used it for a couple of weeks...then got bored with it? I can pretty much guarantee you that this same thing is going to happen if you allow her to live with her dad. If you do allow her to live with her dad and she gets bored, do both of you realize it would mean a trip back to court?

I wish you the best in such a tough situation.