Daughter wastes money, probably has ADD. How can I get her to be more responsible? ?

Question

My 21 year old daughter has had trouble at school all her life, was diagnosed "unspecified learning disabled" by the school counselor. Later, at age 19 she saw a psychologist for a little while who started her on Ritalin. The psych said that ADD is difficult to diagnose, but if the medicine helps then you probably have ADD. She didn't like the side effects and gave it up after a couple of months. She's an "adult" we can't force her to get treatment.

My question is, is it normal for persons with ADD to spend like drunken sailors and have no concept of borrowing, saving and budgeting? I just found out that on top of her salary from her full time job she took out a loan for the equivalent of 2 more than 2 weeks take home pay, and spent it in 12 days. She lives in our home and apart from a car, mobile phone, lunches and entertainment she has few expenses.

I want to set up some kind of intervention before she takes out a big loan with some predatory lender and ruins her young life. Any ideas?

Answer 1

pay for her first months rent and the deposit for an apartment. tell her after the first months rent she's on her own. tell  her you are doing it for her own good, she needs to learn how to manage her money and tough love is the best way to do it.

Answer 2

I think it has more to do w/ being 21 than anything else

You should talk w/ her but I don't really think an intervention is necessary just explain to her about credit and things of this nature

I didn't know about credit or anything so my credit and finances are all messed up because I didn't know about the importance until I was like 30 so do her a favor but don't be upset just help her help herself

Answer 3

Live and learn.  I don't think ADD has anything to do with it.  She wants to blow all her money on fun stuff.  Poor decision, she will soon come to realize on her own.  I wouldn't help her anymore, let her see how the real world is.

Answer 4

A friend of mine is having the same issues with her daughter who moved out into their other home and only needs to pay a little yet spends like a rock star. The other day she came home to show her she had got a tattoo it made my friend furious but she held her anger she told her Amanda that is fine but how much did it cost well mom it was eighty dollars. Eighty dollars that is allot of money for a college girl who is on a budget and needs to borrow money from mom and dad to pay her bills. Then my friend walked away. The daughter starting crying and when she asked her why she was so upset she said mom it hit me just like that you are the best mom and I need to grow up. Now will she grow up over this I don't think so but maybe she will not spend so much. Maybe you need to give your little girl a guilt trip on spending or try making her pay rent and some other things life is hard the sooner they learn to save the better they will be.

Answer 5

Kick her out and let her spend money on something useful, like rent.

Answer 6

It's called tough love.  Sometimes you have to step back and let her ruin her life.  I know you want to save her, she will always be your baby girl but it's time for her to be an adult and live up to adult responsiblities without you swooping in to save her.

Answer 7

I would figure out how much she would need to spend to live independently (rent, utilities, etc.) and charge her no less than 80% of that.  You can bank a portion of that against the need to help her someday, because it sounds like that might happen, but don't tell her.

To charge too low a rent (or if I understand you... none?) is to subsidize her problems, though.  You definitely don't want to enable her.  The answer to your question about spending/borrowing/saving/budgeting is yes.  Sadly.

She's young, she may figure it out on her own, with enough mistakes.  You're right, the ADHD probably is a factor.  Don't bail her out, she will need to suffer the consequences of her actions if she's to learn.  You could offer to take her to financial counseling, when and if she's ready.  I'm against the idea of paying her first month's rent and security deposit to get her out of the house, because I think it's much more likely she will fail once out.  My parents didn't make living at home too hospitable... again, just charge a reasonable rent, establish some reasonable rules, encourage her to save her money to move out if she wants to.  If her behavior makes you crazy, insist that she change it, and if she won't, set a deadline to move out.

Answer 8

Your daughter is already irresponsible. Medication isn't going to change that. No matter what she has--whether she really IS ADD (which I doubt) or if she's bipolar, or has some other issue, her personality is already set and the only one who can change her is HER.

You are enabling her bad behavior by allowing her to stay in your home without boundaries. You absolutely must put your foot down and charge her for living there--as she would have to pay if she was living on her own. Or ask her to move out and pay her own way on her own terms.

Her irresponsiblity is not a big surprise if you've been propping her up all these years--when has she had to learn how to deal with the adult world? As you said, she IS an adult. Treat her like you would any OTHER adult---and expect her to pay her own way.