Daughter wishes she wasn't adopted?

Question

My daughter, "B", told my sister that she wished she wasn't adopted because it's embarrassing. I told her that I was sorry she felt like that, but I thought I was doing the best thing for her by adopting her. I think maybe this is stemming from her first mom dying, but I'm not sure. My sister said that it's "all kid" to hate your parents and be embarrassed by them. I'm not sure what to do about all of this. I can't give her back and wouldn't if I could. It's causing arguements between all of the older kids because they are mad at "B" for saying this.

Answer 1

I think, based on the timing, that you're right on that this has to do with the death of her biological mother.

You didn't cause that, and you can't change it, so I think it's best for you to just allow her to vent her feelings. I don't think you should try to talk her out of it, but just accept what she says and try not to take it personally.

This is probably part of the grieving process. For now I think you should just allow her space to process her loss. I also suggest counseling for all the children if they aren't in it already, not for this specifically but for dealing with their mother's death in general.

Answer 2

[ETA:  I just re-read this, and it sounds really harsh.  I didn't mean it that way, but I'm really tired, and can't think of a better way to write it right now.  I apologize if it sounds like an attack.  It's not meant that way.  Sometimes I get emotional when I think of my own past experiences, like I did with this question, and I don't know how to tone it down.]

Maybe I read something wrong...did she SAY that she is embarrassed by you, or hates you?  What I read was that she hates being adopted, and that it's embarrassing [to be adopted].  I don't think that has anything to do with you.

I know you all are having a really rough time right now, so I hope this comes across the way I intend it.  Just in case, though, this is NOT an attack.  That wouldn't do anyone any good.  I'm on your side here.  Just want you to know that.

When you say that you're sorry she feels like that BUT you thought you were doing the best thing for her, you're doing two things that don't help the situation.  #1, when you say "but", that just negates everything that came before it.  My mom would say "but" after an apology, and I always wondered why she bothered to apologize in the first place (but remember, my mom is abusive, and I KNOW you're not, so that could just be my issues talking).  #2, you're making it about you with the second half of the sentence.  She doesn't necessarily feel that you did something BAD by adopting her.  She doesn't necessarily NOT want you in her life.  She's not necessarily blaming you for anything, or even aiming her words at you.  She doesn't need you to be defensive right now.  She needs you to join her in her grief and say, "it's ok to feel that way".

I know this is a crappy situation for everyone.  You're all grieving, and everyone has their own grief language.  It's immensely difficult to learn someone else's grief language when you're still trying to figure out your own.  But I'd be willing to bet you lots of money that her words weren't an attack on you.  She's just saying that she wishes there weren't a piece of paper saying that she "belongs" with a new family.  She'd feel that way no matter what family she was with.

(((((((((((((((((JUST A MOM))))))))))))))))))))  Take care.

ETA:  That doesn't sound stupid AT ALL!  Wow, what a support system you had!  And unfortunately, what a support system you lost!  Take care of yourself.  Like, really...go sit with a nice cup of tea, or take a bubble bath...do something good for you tonight, ok?  You deserve it.  And tomorrow, do something good for your girl.  She needs some soul-pampering.  You all do.

Answer 3

this is hard for a child. you live life a certain way and then you find out what they thought was the truth is now a lie. i am sure he has namy unanswered questions that only a birth family member could answer. you said her virth mom passed away well there is a birth father.  other children dont understand some of the things like adoption they ask questions and she might not feel like she is able to answer them. i was 30 when i found out my own grandmother was adopted. she didnt know her birth family she knows nothing about her past family history only the one she was given by her parents. it was hard for her. when my father got sick as a child there was questions she was unable to answer about her family medical  history. as for your older kids you need to sit and talk to them. have them think about what she might be feeling. it is a hard thing for one to deal with. i am guessing the older kids are your kids from birth. they need to understand that they know all their history. she dont have that. just hang in there she will go through many different stages but you are still her mother. just suport her the best you can and call off the older kids.

Answer 4

Please you aren’t stupid Joy  obviously feels that she speaks for all adoptees which she  does not. There are some adoptees who hate being adopted while there are others who do not hate being adopted. I am an adoptee who does not hate being adopted in fact I’m gald I was adopted.  I also don’t wish I was born to my family because then I wouldn’t be me.

I would just let her know its ok to feel that way and to express her feelings on it.  I would also explain to the other kids that everyone feels differently they don’t have to feel the same way B does, nor does she have to feel the same way they do. Everyone handles situations differently including grieve and since the natural mother died so recently its still a harsh blow.  You might encourage her to  keep  a diary of her feelings sometimes that can help to get it out on paper.

Answer 5

I think she is just upset and wants something to be mad. Talk to her about it and tell her that what she said hurt your fellings.

Answer 6

yes its true all kids "hate" you at one point. i dont think its maybe all towards you per say. i think maybe she feels like she is not 'a normal kid" and arent you supposed to have the soccer mom, working business dad, house, white picket fence. reality sets in and its hard. my life was far from normal, i dont even have a mom (shes at the store) 38 years ago, i guess the line must be long. i dont know how old she is, but B will someday see that you didnt have to adopt her, maybe you can tell her that if you havent. but you WANTED to, because you love her. and you cant change the fact her mom passed, that was Gods will, and you cant take her place, but you can give her a family. what else would she of wanted. i do know a friend who's mom died when she was 13 and she never would accept her step mom. why bother she will die anyway right?? maybe she is getting scared. i really dont know thats just some ideas of what it can be. bless you  

Answer 7

i HATED being adopted.  it sucked.  you feel like an alien.

Answer 8

Of course she hates being adopted, who doesn't, when other people find out, it puts a big question mark around you, people want to know what happened to your natural family.

That doesn't mean she doesn't love you.  Even children that fit in really well with their adoptive families and claim that they are so glad to be with that family would prefer to be born to that family.

Being adopted sucks, how could you not know that?

Answer 9

You may be taking her statement differently than she meant it.

When my daughter was about 10 she said she hated being adopted, too.   When I ask her about it, she said she just didn't like being different from her friends.  Everybody made such a big deal of her adoption and she just wished she was BORN into our family--like all her friends had been born into their family.  Kids just don't like being "different" from their friends.

Don't take it personally without talking to her about it.

Answer 10

i hated the fact that i was adopted wen i was younger, but as i got older i hated the fact the my birth mom gave me up. wen i was young i hated my mom because she didnt leave me with my adopted mom. believe me she will relize sooner or later that she loves you more then she can ever speek and she will thank u for taking her in. i no i was and no i HATE my birth mom.

Answer 11

As many have already stated, I think her comment has more to do with grieving over her loss than anything to do with you. I'm sure it hurt your feelings, but she's a little girl going through a big change. You sound like a wonderful mother. I've read some of your other questions/responses and know that you have your kids' best interests at heart. Encourage her to talk about all her feelings, and do your best to understand where she's coming from.

As far as Joy's comment goes about "everyone hating to be adopted", I personally feel that's untrue. We all have obstacles in life to overcome. Adoption happens to be one obstacle for your children. The loss of their first mother will be another. I was uncomfortable with being an adoptee, but as I grew older and understood it on a more adult level, I became more comfortable with it, and I know it's part of what made me who I am. My adoptive mother lost her father to ALS when she was 12. She is 60 years old and still remembers him and tells me stories about him. The point is, adoptee or not, everyone in life has to learn to handle things they'd rather nothave to deal with, and your daughter (with your patience and help) will learn to deal with her grief over being adopted in the first place, and the loss of her first mother. Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger!  (((B)))

Answer 12

They are her feelings and she has to be free to have them. I'm pretty sure it has to do with first moms death. We all grieve differently. She might be focusing on this instead of admitting how much it hurts to know she will never see first mom again. Tell the older kids to lighten up on her a bit. She isn't trying to hurt anyone by saying this. She is just in pain and has no idea how to deal with it. If she isn't in therapy it might help right now. Just listen to her and be there.  

Answer 13

I think it's important to remember (as both Joy and Gaia have said) that there's a difference between how she feels about you and how she feels about adoption.  I love my adoptive parents and don't like being adopted at all.  It sounds like, from her trip down the stairs, that she can make the distinction.  

Your comment to the other kids seems dead on, to me.  She needs to be allowed to feel what she feels.  If they see that you are okay with it, it may make them less upset by it.  (They may be worried about it upsetting you.  If you aren't upset by it, then they may back off.)

It's thorny situation, but I think it's a good sign that your daughter is comfortable enough to express her feelings on this.  I think that will help both of you.