Daughter with MAJOR separation anxiety??

Question

She is 7 years old. She goes to the nurse everyday at school and begs me to let her stay home every morning. She is also still wetting the bed. She also has told me that she is very scared of me dying.

My husband and I are on the verge of a divorce, and she begs me to break it off. He is not a very good father and has major anger problems but I don't want a divorce to worsen her anxiety.

She is in counseling right now for about 6 months but things haven't changed. I am so worried about her. I just don't know what to do to help her. Can someone please give me some suggestions?

Answer 1

Good for you for getting her into counseling!  It sounds like this is all related to the stress between you and your husband at the moment.   If she has ever seen him demonstrate anger toward you, maybe she's afraid he will hurt you.  She may also not want to go to school because she's worried about what is going on at home while she's not there.

A couple of things to try:  could you arrange with someone at school to have her make one phone call to you during the school day?  If she knew she could "check in" with you every day, it might make her feel better about being away from you.  

Also, let her carry a small picture of you with her at all times, so she will always have you with her, and know you are thinking of her.

Write her a little note every day and put it in with her lunch or snack.

Don't worry about the bedwetting for now.  Just buy her some Good-Nites, and deal with that later on when some of these other issues are resolved.

Answer 2

Wetting the bed is a serious problem. If you can, figure out when she started wetting the bed. Talk to her as much as possible, allow her to feel comfortable talking to you. For most concerning questions that she ask you, ask your own questions in return, she may be holding something in that you don't know about. Normally, bed wetting is caused from fear of some thing or someone. Talk to your baby!

Answer 3

could he be hurting her? have you asked her, wetting the bed at this age is some kind of sign.

Answer 4

Wow, 7 and concerned for your life, that is quite mature for a young person!  You say hubby has anger problems, does he lose his temper or get abusive towards you/her?  Does she have any friends that daddy or the male role is abusive?  This may be the light to her concern.

I was a bit older when my parents got divorced and I had a hard time understanding what was going on.  At her age there us something deeper than you can see that is bothering her and she does not know how to express it to you.  It could be fear for you or it could be fear of not having daddy there anymore, or even of being taken away from mommy.

If she is not talking to a counselor, it may be because she is not comfortable with the counselor or afraid to open up and saying something that will make you continue with the divorce.

I firmly believe parents should stay together when there are kids involved, but I know that is not always possible under circumstances.

Have you talked to your daughter about what is going on and assured her you are going to be fine, so is daddy and her?

Tell her the truth, that the divorce is happening but you want to make it as easy as possible on her.  Talk to hubby first to see if her will back you on this (if he wants the best for his daughter he will help you here).  Maybe through this divorce you can set a day a week/2 weeks or month for you all to just go something fun together....your daughters choice.  She may need to know that a divorce doesn't mean you're not a family anymore.

She needs you both so assure her it is going to be okay.  If you and hubby still have a chance through counseling together, then give it a try.  If no one is in danger and you two still love eachother than it is worth a last try for your daughter.  If you are past the point of no return, work with him to make it easy on your daughter. try to talk details or have any disagreements when she has no chance of hearing you guys talk.

Good luck!!!  Hugs to you and your daughter from me and my 3 boys, sounds like you really need one and her too.

Answer 5

I am not an expert and you are doing the right thing by putting her in counseling... but have you and your hubby tried to make sure that the problems between you are not shared with her?  I am sure that if he has anger problems it is hard for him to hold back when she is around, but it would probably help if she didn't have to cope with the stress of mommy and daddy fighting or being unhappy.  Also, have you talked to her therapist to see what they say?  It might help if you had a few sessions of family therapy - with daddy if possible.  Just keep being a supportive mom.  It is scary for her to wonder what will happen to her if you are gone and maybe that is something her dad needs to be clued in on.  She probably needs to know that she would be taken care of and loved if you were gone.  I maybe would not say that directly, but maybe her daddy needs to show her more love and support????  Good luck!

Answer 6

It sounds like you are doing everything you can.  Just make sure she knows she can talk to you about anything.  A lot of anxiety in children can be calmed through communication.  She's obviously upset about the divorce, but if you're husband is not a good father and has anger issues that is probably contributing more to the anxiety than the actual divorce.  It is best for your child to be away from that situation.  Since she doestn' want to go to school you may want to check to see if she's being bullied or not.  This may also be contributing to her problem.

Answer 7

Something else is going on.  Bedwetting and a major change in behavior are symptoms of psychological trauma in children, possibly (but not always) sexual in nature.  This is a talk you need to have both with her privately and with the counselor you are seeing.  You are right, most children do not want their parents to get divorced, no matter what the circumstances.  The fact that your child is saying she wants to you to get a divorce is a big red flag to me.

You also need to talk to her teacher and make sure she knows what's going on.  I'm a teacher too, and if I had this little one in my class, I wouldn't be sending her to the nurse every day when I know nothing's wrong with her that the nurse can fix.  I had a kindergartener one year with such anxiety that she threw up every single morning until December.  And not once did I allow that child to go home barring a fever.  Eventually she found my routine comforting and predictable and participated in class fully.  This little girl was also afraid of her mother dying while she was at school, so much so that the kid had grey hairs.  If your child's teacher isn't making school a safe, predictable place for her to be, you need to be in there finding out why.  It seems like you and the teacher need to be stern but loving at this time in your child's life.  

Again, let me reiterate that something isn't right here though. Try (more than once if necessary) having a talk about what's really going on.  And if you aren't satisfied with the counselor you are seeing, get a new one.  Counselors are like doctors, you have to find the one that's right for you.  Good luck.

Answer 8

i was like that when i was 7 until i was about nine

but my parents werent getting a divorce and i wasnt in counseling and also i didnt wet the bed. i started to grow out of it. i would skip school and go to work with my mom i cried so hard in the apartment building to the point where i went and the days i didnt i would throw up at school to the point where they had to pick me up.

everytime my mom went out i went with her, there isnt much to do but to reassure that you wont die

Answer 9

If she's telling you to leave him then that's a sign that she'll be fine with the divorce.

If what you meant was that she's begging you to NOT divorce him then all I can say is to talk to her & tell her in 7 y/o language (not grown folks language) that you still care for dad and love him & dad's still going to be there for her... mention the positive.. do'nt say "but he'll live elsewhere" duh it's obvious.. just stick to the positive.

Stress that school is not an option like sports are..

School is a must.

Tell her to not worry about mom & dad... that they'll be fine.. and you'll never leave her.

I always tell my 4 y/o daughter,.. "I'll always live.... where?" and she points to her heart.. and I continue "And I'll always be with you, forever and ever.. I'll never leave you"  And she understands that people die but they live forever in our hearts.

Just loads of communication is what will work..

There is no other adivce..

Answer 10

It's a good thing she's in councelling, you need to get to the root of what's causing her anxiety. Where did she get this concept of you dying? Did she see something on tv? Did your husband say something to your daughter? Anyways you need to make sure she's in school ALL DAY, unless she truly gets sick. If she refuses to go to school then you ground her by taking away her toys, her privaleges until she goes back to school. What you could do to ease her anxiety is buy her a cell phone (with only your number on it), and that you call her once whiles she at school (preferably at lunch) to ease her fears and let her know your ok. I strongly recommend you and your husband seprerate (for now), because I have a funny feeling this is what's causing your daughter's problems. Also always encourage her to come and talk to you about anything and let her express her fears, maybe allow her to draw them out (it will help her). If there's one thing I must emphaisesze is be consistent no matter what you do; your daughter is craving and seeking stability and any sudden changes will effect her.