Deal with something many call jealousy...but I don't agree. Regardless, the pain it brings must stop.?

Question

For some reason I don't fully understand, I have been accused of being "jealous" in almost every relationship. By this I mean more than a little jealous some of the time. Per my definition, jealousy is a perceived threat to one's security-esteem-self perception, based on some irrational thought involving some outside influence. Example, you see someone dancing with your girlfriend and you are jealous because she may like that guy better and leave you (even though she is really just dancing.) Or...you're jealous of your girlfriends ex because he was more successful than you. These I don't relate to.

The other day, my girlfriend made mention of her son's dad (who is completely out of the picture) while talking with friends and family at a birthday party. This hits me in a way I cannot begin to describe. The best I can do is say: any physical injury I have ever known, including broken bones, are preferrable to the way I can sometimes feel when hearing such things. For the record, it was just a casual mention, nothing specific.

I have no problem with my girlfriend dancing with someone. I don't care if she talks to an ex. I used to date a divorcee, and I had contact with her ex husband all the time. I could have cared less.

However, when I hear mention of someone my girlfriend had a relationship with, maybe just a fling, it causes me to totally shut down and lock into some fixated state.

For the record (and I just discussed this with my older brother for the first time earlier tonight) we grew up in a house with infidelity and abandonment. Not terrible, but it did occurr. I'm 38, he is 41. We seem though not to share this "jealousy" trait.

Answer 1

Hey.  If you've been thru this repeatedly, it doesn't matter if it's jealousy, abandonement issues, righteous anger, or whatever.  It's s******g up your relationships and seriously messing with your life.  Go see a counselor to help you figure out what it is all about.  No one here can give you answers, and if you could yourself, you would have already done so.  And, dude, no one has to know except the ppl you tell.

Answer 2

It may be that she has something with this man that you don't, a child. This person will be in her life for as long as she has a child by him.

It is just the way it is.

If you are in this child's life, put a cap on it. This child will look up to you and you don't want to lower your standards. Children learn what they see and hear. Be an example.

You can't change the past , but you can make a great future for this child, if you just grow up.

Best of luck.

Answer 3

not all feelings are important to understand.  so you get this feeling - you know that it has no relevance to the reality of your situation so just let it go.  like the phantom pain of a lost limb - it may hurt but it isn't a true signal that must be acted upon.  notice how you feel, accept that the feeling is worthless to you and occupy yourself with other thoughts until it goes away.  

do not confuse this with denial - denying how you feel never works.  accept how you feel - just don't waste energy trying to "fix" it or understand it.  let it go.