Dealing With Anger Towards Biological Mother?

Question

I posted two days ago about my biological mother and the troubles I have been through in dealing with her. However, I am so angry at them moment that I am not sure what to do with this anger.

http://ca.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AkMlcdIPk1InSmuerPZc1trAFQx.;_ylv=3?qid=20080822085750AAiANZT

That's the link to my previous post (sorry to not know how to code it to automatically click it to see the post).

I just do not know what to do, at times I would love to give my biological mother a piece of my mind, but I can't.

Answer 1

hi ktea-

i wish you would join us at adultadoptees.org.  i can promise you, we understand.....

Answer 2

I am so sorry that your reunion with your biological mother was not as pleasant and wonderful as I am sure you were hoping for.  If after 4 yrs. it is still not very good, I hate to have to tell you this, but it may never get any better.  However, one suggestion- have you told her how you feel?  If you haven't I would , and then it be on her to respond in a loving way or not.  I read your other post, and I am so glad that you have a loving mother and father.  Your adoptive parents, are your real parents.  I am adopted and also have 2 adopted children. My son has met his birth family , and it has gone pretty well, but a friend of mine, met her birth family and things did not go well, so there is no guarantee.

About giving your birth mom a piece of your mind, I would not go into this with an angry heart- just tell her how you feel, and then leave , and be very grateful for the wonderful, loving family that raised you.

Answer 3

KTea there is obviously unresolved issues with everyone. I would just ask for a little space and find a professional counselor experienced in adoptee issues. Tell your  nmom that your having trouble looking at her as motherly figure and you're confused. Tell her you're getting counseling and would really appreciate it she would too.  

You sound like a sweetheart and you're stuck in between conflicting emotions. I don't blame you for being angry and confused. I would be too.

Take care of yourself before anyone else and that includes everyone around you.  Your feelings are more important than anyone elses. Keep your focus on you and be honest with everyone despite what they what to hear.    You need time and space without anyone trying to subconsciously manipulate you.    

The best case scenario for this is if everyone gets into therapy with a counselor without an agenda.  You obviously love everyone.

If you're confused tell everyone your confused.

If you're angry tell everyone your angry.

If you feel like your being manipulated say so.

Adults are not as emotionally intelligent as we would like or expect them to be and unfortunately its up to the child  to show them.

Best wishes.

ETA: Give it time and space.  Your nmom maybe kicking herself right now. Focus on you and your peace of mind.

Answer 4

you need to tell them why your mad at them, and try to work it out as best as possible. cause its important to have both parental figures in your life. so express your self in some kind of manner that dosent involve yelling or violence.cause your lucky to have both of them in your life right now. i have never seen my dad, and haven't seen my mom in 4 years.

Answer 5

Write in a journal / write her a letter (but don't send it) / start a blog.

I find these to be incredibly healing.

This way you can express what you feel you need to say to her.

It sounds like you and your bio mother need some space - and a heap of cool down time.

Being able to write what you need - can still be a way in which you can work through your end of stuff.

I find writing to be useful to get to the true meaning of why I'm angry - an exploration of sorts.

I'm sorry she's refusing contact from you.

ETA: this is something I wrote a little while ago -

http://chezblot.blogspot.com/2008/07/dea...

Answer 6

read the question on the link you supplied and all I can say is - Thank God you have wonderful Parents (of course I mean the mother and father who raised you).

I would allow the relationship with your birth mother to cool, if I were you.

I would also realize how lucky you were that you were adopted into a loving home and you have never had to live with that crazinesss!

Now, go and tell your Mom and Dad that you love them!

Answer 7

You may consider writing her a letter even if you don’t plan to ever give it to her. Just getting your feelings out on paper or typing them can really make you feel better.

Your natural mother is acting like a child no offense.  You can not force her to answer your calls or emails. All you can do is try if she refuses to respond to you I would just back off for a few months maybe she will come around. Maybe she never will come around. Try and think of the positives in your life and do not dwell long on the negatives.

Answer 8

Honestly, back away from them.  Be angry, scream in a pillow, go outside and yell.  She may of carried you for 20, 32, 33 or 35 weeks, but that does not give her a right to try to tell you what to do and to worm her way into your life.  She may not like the fact that you are more successful in relationships then she was, she wants to be angry at you because you are happy and she is not.

I had a similar situation (but older).  I think a reunion has too much drama for a teenager and sometimes a young adult to deal with, not all reunions are good and healthy.  

Now what you should do with this anger is realize that you do not have to have them in your life, you have a family, you have to figure out what you want and maybe right now, this moment in your life, you can not have them around because of drama.  Just live your life for yourself not for them.

Answer 9

I am so sorry for what you are going through.  Most of what I have read here on YA is that first mothers love having a relationship whether it's full contact or just emails....whatever from their children who were adopted.  These types of questions bother me some as I have an adopted child (well, we are trying to adopt him) who has a greater love for his mother and knows who she is etc...Once he is older, I wonder if she will turn out to be one who doesn't want to have contact with him or if she hasn't cleaned up and he will not want to have contact with her.  I don't know and this is something that I think about often.  I think in time that your mother will come to understand that it is hard for the both of you and that you will have a lot of questions that you want / need answered.  The only thing I can suggest is that you let it lay for a while and see if she responds.  You can not force her to want to be a part of your life, but I can't understand why she wouldn't...this is something new to me.  Let it lay and just see what unfolds.  Good luck!

Answer 10

KTea,

Honestly, I think you need to back away for a little while. I think her drama is making you emotionally vulnerable. That is unfair to you and it is unfair to your siblings that you cannot see them without going through her. I think you own it to yourself to take care of yourself. You can only try so hard. I would NOT cut off all contact with her...but I would simply only talk to her through some device that allows you to not be directly confronted with ugliness...try cards or email. Ultimately, it is your decision and it is a difficult one to make. No parent is perfect and I think she probably recognizes that your adoptive parents did a good job...and she probably has some major resentment towards them. Regardless, it isn't healthy for you to have to deal with this on a frequent basis. I would discuss whatever decision you make with your parents and tell them that you would like for them to respect your choice. As for your bio mom, hopefully, with limited contact she will realize the error of her ways and try harder to work on a healthy reunion. I don't know if that is possible, but it cerrtainly isn't remotely healthy for you to be dealing with all of this. I wish you luck!

Answer 11

Is it therapeutic for you to write things out?  Write it all out, every thought.  You don't have to do anything with it, but it helps some people.

Most of all, you need to know you don't owe her anything.  As nice as it would be to have a relationship with her, it's not worth it if it causing you this much pain.  Healthy relationships can be difficult, but should never be this costly.  Take a break, gather some strength, then determine what you want from this relationship and what you expect from it, then let her know what you decide.  You may want a warm loving relationship with her and she might not be capable of giving that to you, or anyone.  But, it's always possible to respect each other and if she's not willing to do that, let her know it's not OK with you.

Answer 12

KTea, I'm glad that you're going to get some help with this and I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time. Reunion is generally a very damaging choice but people rarely talk about the aftermath only their excitement when they make initial contact.

You need to stop calling, stop emailing and accept that this is not a viable relationship. There are people in this world who cannot be in productive healthy relationships with us and we are responsible for severing them. Be it a boyfriend, boss, relative, employee, there will be people who are not capable of interfacing with you in an appropriate way and you have to find the strength to close the relationship.

This is a really important life skill and I hope that you can face the loss of the imagine relationship and do what you need to do about the real relationship.