Dealing With a Biological Mother?

Question

Reunited four years ago, experience has been anything but pleasant. Okay, this is going to be rather lengthy.

Anyway, my mother found my biological mother when I was fifteen, I was in utter shock not thinking this moment would come so soon. You think we would have taken some time to get to know each other through e-mail, phone calls however, my biological mother wanted to meet me two days later and being only fifteen and my mother never having done this before invited my biological mother and father over. I went into a fantasy phase but, when I snapped out of it I realized this was going downhill.

First in the card they gave me it said from "Dad and Mom" well these people were not my parents, never have been and never will be. Second, my biological mother starts criticizing my hair length and the fact that I had acne.

Then having biological younger brothers and a sister she wanted them to week me the following week, I did going out to her place. I got along with my brothers and little sister like we have known each other for years. However, my biological mother would then want to control me, what I wore, how I did my hair, etc. My own parents never did that.

Anyway, she started lying to me when I asked questions. I was born at 30 weeks without a doubt, she said 32, then 33, then 35. Then she said the ministry took me from her, when she gave me up. She claimed that the ministry never contacted her when I was healther asking if she wanted me back, not true they did.

Anyway, she started lying to me about everything, then saying very negative stuff about my parents who I love and adore.

She was not happy that I did not do everything she wanted me to do so she wrote me off, a total of ten times now.

I found out thru another family member that she did drugs and drank when she was pregnant with me, still do this day my biological mother claims she had the Chicken Pox but, yet she won't release any medical history to me, none obviously that leads to some doubt.

After a good year break my biological father contacted me saying they wanted me in their lives and after much worrying and advice from all in my life I said okay. I stated what would work for me, what wouldn't etc. Some clear guidelines. I asked what my biological parents wanted and they never told me and kept dodging the question. My biological mother gave me a call, first off saying some rude things about my mother, not letting me speak and yet grilling me about my parents and and family when she apparently hates them. I e-mailed her saying I would prefer she kept opinions of my mother and family to herself. She then wrote me a nasty e-mail calling me a *****, saying I could hate her and her family when I never once used that word (I had my mom and three close friends read my e-mails to my biological mother and they did not get where hate came from).

Now she bad mouths about me in front of my biological siblings as one of my brother's blocked me on Facebook now.

I do not know what to do.

Answer 1

Wowzer sounds like you've had a hellish time. I was adopted as a baby and went to meet my biological family a few years ago and went through a slightly similar thing of having cards sent with mum and dad written in them. I was straight with them and said my parents are the people who love me and have bought me up.

I think that you've met them, now you know who they are but you have a family and if your biological mother can't be pleasant to you and holds some sort of resentment towards your parents then cut her off. If you can write to your siblings and let them know you'd like to see them and will always be open with them then let them decide. Parents can only poison children so much....they grgenerally genreally figure things out for themselves.

Just be thankful of what you do have and know that the best decision was made for you. Imagine if you had grown up with someone like that as a mother!!!! You have a family who really wanted you....not many people can say that, most kids are unexpected if not total mistakes no matter how much they come to be loved in the end.

Leave this woman to her bitterness and get on with your life.  

Answer 2

You have a simple decision to make, treat this like you would any scenario with a difficult or problematic relative.

Assess whether you believe the individual has the capacity to behave reasonably. Then assess whether you are getting enough out of the relationship to continue it despite the person's imperfections. Once you've reached a decision, embrace it and be firm.

If you decide to sever the relationship, be clear and kind about it and do not criticize the other person. It's always best to go with 'it's not you, it's me!'

If you decide to continue then hold yourself to that decision and remember your commitment to overlook the very predictable problems. If you cannot then it may be time to reassess.

I admit that when I read your post, I was very sad. Regardless of how anyone feels about search it is definitely not a decision that a minor can make or should be permitted to make. You lacked the maturity and life experience to choose to open Pandora's Box when you were a teenager and now you're still dealing with the aftermath. I've seen it twice in my life and it was terribly sad each time. But the parents made the mistake of thinking it was wrong to require that their child wait until she was older to make the choice.  

Answer 3

I'm really sorry you were put into this situation. Sadly there isn't going to be much that you can do to convince your biological siblings that you are not a bad person until they are adults and even then it will be extremely difficult. Your biological mother is obviously very controlling and manipulative. I wonder how your biological father acts towards you because maybe he will be able to speak on your behalf? My mother was pretty crazy and my dad knew it and would secretly (he didn't tell me) try to be an advocate for me when she was treating me bad. So if you know that he cares about you, I would try dealing with him not her. If he is of no help either then you will probably have to wait until your siblings are adults and then try to contact them and tell them that you want to have a relationship and want to explain what happened from your point of view. I'm glad that you have other parents that sound like they have been much better than your biological ones would have been. Someone I know was adopted by his step father and his feelings about his biological father are that he's not his "dad" even though he might be his biological father and that his dad is his step dad and the other one can basically go to h**l. Just because they are related to you biologically doesn't mean that they are your "mom and dad" even though they may be saying so. A mom and dad take care of you and love you and raise you, that's why we have the separate terms of "biological mother" and "biological father" in these situations. I have a half sister (same dad, different mom) and her mother is very manipulative and lies just like your biological mom does. She hates all of our family and can't be convinced otherwise so I will probably never see her again. I used to think about it a lot, but life goes on and it's pretty much just water under the bridge now.

Answer 4

I am so sorry this is exactly why one has to set limitations and boundaries. To criticize  your appearance is just tacky even more at the age you were.  Your biomom seems to have serious issues and she seems like a control freak too. I personnel would cut contact until she can behave in appropriate manner to speak poorly of your family is in very poor taste.  As is calling you the b-word and talking badly of you in front your natural siblings. Honestly who cares that it took two years for you to complete your senior year. You completed it there are people who just drop out.  Who cares if you drive or not.

Do not give her power over you.

Answer 5

Wow, that is crazy.  What does your amom say about this?  I think that she needs to deal with her, not you.  This is just too much for you right now.

Answer 6

This woman is very, very jealous of your parents - and obviously quite mentally unstable as well.  I am so sorry you went through this.  Thankfully you were adopted and did not have to be raised by her.  For now I think you should let it go, and get some counseling if you think it will help.  Later when your siblings are older you can try to contact them, or they may contact you first.  For now they are too young to make up their own minds and this is not their fault because they are brainwashed by their mother.

Answer 7

Just because someone is family (of any type) doesn't mean you are obligated to be in a relationship.  If someone was haranguing me like this, and refusing to respect my wishes to stop, I would definitely stop taking the calls,and I would block email.  If necessary, I would change my email address and only give it to my friends.  

I'm sorry about how she's given your brother wrong ideas.  Hopefully, one day it can be mended with him.  

Although there are plenty of good reunions, there are also plenty of lousy ones, too.  They are made up of human beings, and not all human beings are capable of good relationships.  It sounds like your bio mom has difficultly in many of her relationships.

Answer 8

Wow, first let me tell you that I am an adoptive Mom.  My daughter was adopted internationally, and we will likely never meet her birthfamily.

This is one of those issues, I think, that doesn't just go away if you choose not to talk with them.  There is a different dynamic here than, let's say, you were deciding whether or not they were your friends.  There is a complex situation, and going to a counselor could help you figure out what some of those complexities mean to you.  (not anyone else)

You may also find out that as your biological siblings mature, they are not as influenced by your biomom.  Do you want to leave the door open for them.

Now, also- it sounds as if your birthmom's behavior is impacting you- it's hurting. You don't have to choose to be hurt by anyone.  I know, recognizing that someone's behavior is toxic, and actually feeling it are 2 different things.  A counselor could also help you figure out how and if you want to react/behave to her and birthdad.  Can you start a relationship with him without her right now?  

You know, my coping mechanism in many situations is "just wait" so I think the baking away and letting it be thing would work for me.  But, and this is a BIG but.  Will it work for you?  

Know that whatever you choose, that there are lots of people who would like to offer you good wishes and support.  I think being adopted has a difficult path at times, and I hope you feel supported through it.

Well, good luck.  I hope your birthmom gets some help and treats you better soon.

Answer 9

I think it's too bad that your birth mother decided to reunite the two of you so young before getting to know your birth mother better. I think if she had gotten to know her better, she would probably have realized that it was something that should have been put off for a while.

Some people are just llike that. You can't control them, but you can control your relationship with them. You should avoid contact with poisonous people like her, even though you are related. She will never change.  

Answer 10

Wow. You have certainly been through a lot, and at such a young age too (considering a lot of adoptees aren't "faced" with their biological mothers until they are at least in their mid-twenties).

Don't force yourself to be in a relationship with your mother, especially if she is abusing you emotionally and/or mentally. It's not worth it to place "you" at the risk of pleasing your mother who seems to be a mere stranger to you since she commands you around and does the same with the rest of your biological family.

If your mother badmouths your adoptive family and your adoptive family has been nothing but loving and supportive about your reunion - then I think it's time to evaluate what you want and what you feel this is really worth.

Your pain? Your anger? Is it worth feeling this angry and "put down" if your bio mother keeps saying bad things about your adoptive family?

Absolutely not.

You either need to talk to your biological mother and tell her that you would like her to stop saying cruel things about your adoptive family. She may be angry that she had to relinquish you but that is NO reason for her to insult any of your adoptive family members.

Either that or speak to your adoptive mom and try to explain why you believe it's not a good idea to keep trying to connect with your bio family. Don't let this thing continue at your own expense.