Dealing with a scorn lover?

Question

My boyfriend of 2 years was married once before, he was married to a women that showed no affection, took all of his money and spent it on herself, demanded he worked 80 hours a week, and, in the end, was cheating on him for 5 of the 10 years they where married, he got divorced 6 years ago, the divorce was clean, no disputes over things, no alimony, a clean break

Ive been with him (lets call him Bob) for 2 years, we are really close, we can be ourselfs when we are together, he loves me no matter how i look, he calls me his queen and is very affectionate in any situation (and not in an inapropriate way). Im fiercly loyal to him , and very affectionate and attentive, we dont have to ask for permission to go anywhere, we dont have to "check up" on eatch other, we have told everyone we know about how much we love eatch other.

heres the problem...

Ive been paying for his ex-wifes mistake since day one, We have been talking about marrige since the 3rd month of our relationship, and he has flip-floped on the idea, he says yes, then whenever i set a date he backs out , when i ask him if hes punishing me for his ex-wifes f*ck up he says yes.He is somehow convinced that i am going to turn out like his ex. With the compounding stress of this, finacial prolems, problems at home AND work today was the first day i can remeber feeling suicidal, how long will i have to pay for this? its been 7 years.. will he ever trust me

Ive never gone after his money, i have my own, i dont need his, i dont want his, thats his money and thats how it will stay, ive never asked for a dime from him........this is killing me......

Answer 1

Dear Scorned,

Your man sounds like a wonderful person but still has issues that he needs to deal with. You have to try and remember that it's not your fault his "ex" treated him like dirt and it shouldn't be taken personally. I know it's difficult not to take things with this magnitude to heart but try your best. It's time that your man talk to a professional and get everything off his chest and out into the open. This problem isn't going to go away without help.

What you can do to help- I sugguest that you relax and be patient with him. Ask him if you've done anything to him that would prove that you are anything like his "ex". Make him stop and really think about it. Tell him to take his time and if he can come up with anything please let you know ASAP. This will help the both of you: 1. He'll see that either you are just being yourself - 2. You know whether or not you are doing things that his not approving of and correct them.

You might want to re-enforce to him that you are you and not his "ex". You aren't there to mislead him in any way shape or form.

When I was reading your question, it reminded me of a song "Take a Chance on Me" by the group ABBA. You might want to find that song on the net download it and play it for him and have him really listen to the lyrics.

I truely hope this helps with your situtation! Best Of Luck!

Answer 2

Well you got to decide, how much do you love him? Enough to stay with him, even if not married? After 7 years and he still doesn't really want marriage... I can't totally blame him for his horrible first marriage and the statistics of marriages in the US. Most of us know two things take a toll on a a relatively happy relationship...1) getting married and 2) having kids.

If you're willing to sign a pre-nup why would he fear over money?

Maybe he loves you so much, that he doesn't want marriage to s***w it up. Us women, are old-fashioned and want the fairytale wedding but times are changing.

You cold tell him you love him, are willing to sign a pre-nup, but after 7 years together and no marriage...

Leave for awhile and tell him to think about, to feel the space without you...and for him to think about if its worth punishing you for one bad egg! Tell him you understand subconsciously that he probably feels "if it ain't broke, why fix it" In other words, you are doing fine as a couple, and realize he may fear marriage will ruin the good that is there...so it really is sweet and protective but at some point you got to let go of the side of the pool and sink or swim...tell him to look over you as a whole on your own merit and see the statistic to swim vs sink will prevail with you!

Tell him life is too short, there are 6.5 billion + souls out there and you've chosen him. So don't be coward!