Dealing with a verbally abusive alchoholic?

Question

My uncle is an alchoholic. When he gets drunk, he is verbally abusive to me and my family, which I do not like.

He's been to AA for two years straight, counseling, rehab, detox, the hospital, you name it. Nothing has worked, and he isn't seeming to get any better.

We have nothing left to do but call the cops every time he is drunk and starts to yell and they take him away for the night to dry out.

Please, I need advice on what to do. Anything. And please don't say counselling, we've been there and done that. He isn't changing any time soon.

I'm afraid he may die.

Answer 1

I'm sorry about that; I have the same problem with my mother.

If your uncle is ever around and he's not-so-well, I'd take a brisk walk outside, with some headphones and tune out whatever. Just for a few moments until you have a bit time to actually process what's going on, and when that's happened, go back to your house or where ever, and try to confront it. He's drunk, I understand, but people are so ignorant at this time, the only thing to do is agree with just about whatever they say. Take deep breaths, what he could say to you might hurt, but realize that your uncle didn't take a second to think over what he said before saying it.

I hope this helped atleast a bit.

Answer 2

This is the toughest part of living with an alcoholic - you can't save your uncle.  You can't force him to stop drinking.  He has to do that on his own.  Are you under 18?  Are there kids in the house?  They need to be protected from his abuse first and foremost.  Get the kids out, either to another family member or a friend, but get them out.

Then get help for the rest of the family - Al-Anon for the grown-ups, and Ala-teen for the teens.  This isn't about your uncle.  You can't control him - that's for him to decide.  This is about you and dealing with your feelings about living with this situation.  The people at Al-Anon and Ala-teen are also in your situation, they've been there/done that and know what resources are available to you locally.  They understand the guilty feelings, the need to make your uncle stop, all that horrible stuff that happens when he drinks.  They get it.  They can help.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 3

Lisa is correct.  this isn't about your uncle it is about your family.  You can't change him but you can learn how to change your reactions to him.  You should look for Ala- Non  meetings in your area.  12 step programs will give you the tools to help you change how you react to the situation.  Only your uncle can change himself.  in the meantime, don't engage him.  if he comes home drunk, remove yourself from the situation.  You are only responsible for yourself and no one else.  If your family chooses to stay and let him verbally abuse them, there is nothing you can (unless he becomes physically violent).    He must face consequences for his actions.  This means, no bailing him out of situations, no money, and really, he shouldn't be allowed to live with you anymore, but that is up to your aunt.  If he doesn't experience consequences why should he stop drinking?   Good luck.

Answer 4

Congratulations for going to counseling.  Did you go to that counseling for yourself or, did you go for your uncle?  

It sounds like your uncle has some issues of his own in addition the alcohol "monkey on his back", or physical alcohol addiction.  At this point, it doesn't matter whether the egg or the chicken came first or second.  He has both a physical addiction and at minimum, social interaction issues.  For what ever reasons, he is not dealing well sobriety or active use.  Until he is able to find the tools, skills, space, and place to deal with both his physical addiction and his emotional issues, there is not much that others can do for him.  

And yes, your uncle may die.  Some people call active substance abuse a slow form of suicide.  Your clue to the realities of what you can actually do is when you write "We have nothing left to do...".  I realize that this does not solve your uncle's problem.  It only solves the immediate situation.  On the other hand, as others have written in their answers, there is nothing you can do to "fix" your uncle especially when he is unable/unwilling to participate in the process.  I suspect that even if you could effectively lock him up away from all alcohol for the rest of his life, you still wouldn't have "fixed" him.  The good news is that, often for many, the process of becoming clean and sober requires more than one serious effort.  It sounds like he has been clean and sober on and off the past two years.  And that's a good thing because, somwhere under that alcohol haze, he does know that there is an alternative.  

What concerns me about your question is that you seem to have taken some responsibility, guilt, and ownership for HIS behavious and problems.  On the other hand, reality is, his behaviours do become your problem when he comes to the door under the influence, is out of control, and must be taken away by the police.  It sounds as if your family/parents have decided for themselves just how much of your uncle's alcoholic problems they are willing to live with.  Do realize that your uncle has a disease and that you are at times interacting with the effects of the disease?  However, reality is that until your uncle gets some sobriety under his belt and works on some of the other issues surrounding his alcoholism, you will continue interact with the disease of alcoholism.  Sorting these types of things out, sharing coping strategies, learning just what you can actually do to help an alcoholic, working through your feelings, and deciding what is right for you are all of the types of issues that Al-Anon and Al-ATeen address.

If you went to counseling, you probably got some information about what is called "enabling".  "Enabling" involves a number of feelings, motivations, and behaviours that helps someone.  The best thing that you can do to honestly help your uncle is to learn how to enable his sobriety as opposed to his alcoholism.  Outside of the right type of counseling, Al-Anon and Al-Ateen are organizations that can help lead you through this process.  At the onset, what you learn there may fly in the face of what "seems" or "feels" right to you when you attend your first meeting(s).  I can only encourage you to commit yourself to a period of time such as 6 months or a year before deciding to quit attending meetings.  It can take a while for it all to sink in a bit.