Dealing with an abusive father as an adult?

Question

I can't even believe that I'm asking this, but I don't know what else to do. My father was a terribly abusive man. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and possibly sexually. I'm now an adult, married, with two beautiful children. He still does the most horrible things. He has child abuse charges on his record and has asked my mother (who divorced him) and my sister to testify that I was never abused and that I lied about it, in order to get it off of his record. Recently I called him out on a lie and he ranted and raved calling me a w***e and a *****. He doesn't even acknowledge that he ever abused any of us. He actually says, "I've never hit my children!" Because of his constant verbal abuse, I've cut off contact with him for the last month. I can't have someone around myself and my children who treats me so terribly. But he drops gifts off at the house and leaves them on the front porch. The kids smile and wave to him out the window. It makes me feel horrible. He's threatened my kids in the past. Threatening to do things like make them stand outside in the dead of winter without a coat on if they don't shut up. Of course I'm very protective and leave right away when he does something like that. My point is, what do you do when you are afraid of someone hurting you and your children all the time......and still be fair. My husband says that I shouldn't be upset because we're in this situation because of the choices he has made. But if this is the right thing to do, why do I feel so sorry for him. Is there a right thing to do???

Answer 1

im sorry i cant help you until i find out what the ***** is for.

Gda Eag Tea A Rfa Esfda Sdafda Tead Rin Afnnn Inifin Ndf Ihdfa Ncdcdcd Ginfdaf Odfa Rhhad Dfgda Egda Rgda

Answer 2

Pigs like him make me sick......

He is sayin those things 2make you feel guilty and terriable like he does......

And your mother n sis should not lie abt anything for his benfit......

And try2explain2ur kids grandpa is bad person and to stayaway from him......

Try2cut him out of your life totally....he will only bring negtive into ur life.......

Answer 3

it will be best for u and ur children to not be around this type of person...giving presents is him trying to win u over becuz verbally abusing u didn't really work...some people never change and will keep trying to hurt others around him which may have happened to him...u must break that cycle...try consulting a therapist for the emotional abuse he did to u...well take care and be strong.

Answer 4

most definitely and the right thing to do is pray for your father and if you can not deal with him one on one put distance there but still keep him lifted up in prayer because there is an underlying condition that is causing him to be this way.

Answer 5

you shouldnt even talk to him anymore. your an adult and he still abuses you. thats not cool. and if he threatens your children then you should keep them away from him.

Answer 6

you know what to do to him? drag his *** out into the street and beat the holy ****** h**l out of him. hes a prick. im sorry if that offends you but you gotta stand up for yourself. kick his ***. if my dad treated me like that he wouldnt live to see another day. **** the cops. ill just make sure he gets what he has coming to him. so yeah. just do what you have to do. and dont feel sorry for him. he is a prick that doesnt care about you or anyone else. have him arrested or something. and if he tries to make you lie in court you tell that judge because you cant do that. i think thats called tampering with the witness or something.  

Answer 7

I can completely relate to your feelings,

having endured similar such abuse from

my own father.  

My fahter was a violent alcoholic,

and when he wasn't busy verbally

abusing my mother, my siblings,

and myself, he was physically

abusing all of us.

I finally left home at the age of 17,

and my mother thankfully (& finally)

got up the courage divorce him a

couple of years later.

Like your father, mine also has

"selective amnesia" in regards

to his abusive behaviors.

Your father has child abuse charges

on his record because he deserves them.

Do not allow him to continue bullying you

as he did when you were a child.

You are an adult now, and you no longer

have to put up with his toxic abuse.

My father and I had an on-again-off again

relationship for years. It amazed me that

even after I became an adult, he somehow

still expected me to continue putting up

with his mistreatment.  Out of guilt,

I would make periodic attempts to still

try and have a relationship with him.

I'm not sure why, maybe because it's

what I thought I should be doing,

and that somehow it would make me this

'bad person', if I didn't at least try.

Over time however,  I came to realize

that my father was nothing more than

an immature bully,

who had somehow never quite grown into

becoming a parent or even an adult.

When I came to that realization,

that's when I started standing up to him.

Of course, whenever I did that,

it would elicit the same type of behavior

and response you are currently experiencing

with your own father.

And, like you are currently doing-

I began cutting myself off from him.

The first time I did it,

we didn't speak for close to a year.  

The second time I cut him off -

it was for 5 years.

This last time (which is still ongoing)

has been  nearly 10 years.

I know you feel bad and you feel guilty,

believe me-

I used to feel the exact same way.

You will have to finally come to the

realization on your own, that sadly,

he is never going to change and become

the father you wished he might have been.

You love your children, but if you

continue to allow him into their

lives, eventually he may begin treating

them  in the same way he has treated you.

And-

it's up to you to say 'the buck stops here.'

You couldn't stop your father's abuse,

but you can stop him from abusing the

people you love.  Remember, he can't do

anything to you that you don't allow.

If you tolerate his abuse, in a sense

you are giving him permission to

continue.

I'll bet not having to deal with him

for the past month has been peaceful,

and a whole lot less stressful

for both you and your family.

If you want to be fair-

then you owe it to yourself

to put your safety  and that

of your children first.

Make a decision to stop putting

up with your father's abuse,

and stop allowing him to

make you feel guilty.

Unfortunately,

You may have to do as I did

and wind up cutting him

out of your life permanently.

Trust me-

it really hasn't been as

painful as you might think.

And by doing so-

I have kept my children from

being subjected to the same

sort of abuse I was forced

to endure.

And my children have been surrounded

with other loving relatives-

aunts, uncles, cousins etc

which has more than made up for

the absence of their abusive grandfather.

The past 10 years has probably

been the most peaceful time of

my life.

I hope you will find the courage

to do the right thing for yourself

and your children, so you can finally

being to experience the peace you deserve.

Peace & Blessings*

Answer 8

get an restraining order for you an your kids and tell him to leave you alone and move

Answer 9

your worried about being FAIR to a man who has abused you in every way imaginable?  

look towards being fair to your kids first, do not subject them to this mans malfeasance, even if he is your father by biology only because it doesn't sound like he has been much of a parental figure.

i'd get a restraining order if it were me this way he wouldn't dare leave anything on my doorstep let alone come near me or my kids.

my kids are my life i would never put them in danger no matter who i need to keep away.  

good luck to you,  and don't be so hard on yourself he is what he is at this point; do you think he will change?  if you answered "no" then that is what you need to say to him, NO MORE.

Answer 10

I think you should cut all ties to this man.  You are an adult now with a family of your own to worry about and even though he is your father it doesnt mean he has a right to be a part of your life anymore.  Take out an order on him and make it clear that he is not welcome in your life anymore.

Answer 11

The bad things a person does are not justified by their good things, UNLESS they change and don't switch in between modes. Make a decision and stick to it.

Dont feel bad. Just because he is your father and people say family has to stick together doesn't mean that you should, or that they can understand your situation...

I just thought I would decode what the guy above wrote:

Gda Eag Tea A Rfa Esfda Sdafda Tead Rin Afnnn Inifin Ndf Ihdfa Ncdcdcd Ginfdaf Odfa Rhhad Dfgda Egda Rgda

= Get a restraining order

Look at the capital words.