Dealing with disappointment when child does not perform at his/her best?

Question

I am hoping to hear from other parents on how they handle their disappointment when a child does not perform well, like say in school, sports, art, music or anything the child tries.

My kid does very well in school (academics, behavior, social skills), but is very mediocre at other stuff like swimming, piano, art, soccer. he has tried these activities by his own choice, I don't push. I only take him to the classes, encourage him, empathize when he is discouraged. I look at the bright side and point out 3 or 4 things that went well, and then suggest how 1 thing could be improved.

I think I'm doing a good job as far as my child is concerened. But, I cannot get a handle on my own feelings. I know my child is doing as well as he can, and he is good in other areas,but I cannot push away the deep disappointment when he does not make progress in swim or soccer or playing the piano. Instructor/coaches applaud his effort, but that is it.

I am hoping to hear from parents who have kids that are trying their best, but still not there yet. How do such parents handle their emotions?

I am looking for advice on how to handle my feelings/disappointment and emotions. I am already doing pretty well on how to handle it with my child, but when it comes to me, I feel like such a failure, though I know I and my kids are doing the best we can.

Answer 1

As a child that didn't apply themself...

If your child enjoys a hobby (swimming, piano, whatever) and isn't the "best", don't worry. The enjoyment is the big factor. I took piano and saxophone lessons for a few years. Was I good? sure. Was I the best? Far from it, but I had fun.

As long as you and your kids are doing the best you/they can do, it's fine. They don't have to do better than anyone else.  

Answer 2

If your kid is doing well in school... focus on that. You can't have him be the jack of all trades... master of none.

Michael Phelps had a DUI when he was younger and has ADHD... maybe his mom helped him with the swimming...

Stop trying to raise a perfect kid.

Answer 3

can you tell me how old is your son?

I will continue my answer for you

not or your son no worries

just tell me the age please f that is not too personal ty

ok here is it 6 years old

the feeling you have are none else then love

you say of course but i mean it as.....

at 6 years old you want him to do so well for his future, so well he will not have to break his back in half when he is 20, 30 and so going on to put food on the table

you want him to excel and make him proud of your self but most of all make his life go smooth

ok said that now lets look at the 6 years old thing

you did said that he goes well in school, social skills and so so , not good into extra activity like swimming , but telling me , mediocre means he still does it

you need to basically hit the bull eye on his interest some he loves so much he will do anything to be exellent

here is the thing he is 6 and this comes in a little later, lets say 8 up

now you how to deal with it .......

mmm me personally when the disappointment is huge (not your level I mean a lot more) I cry

cannot tell you hey my friend sit and cry, this is how you do it

but that is my steaming valve, like when you are completely full , there is who throws a fit , who screams, I cry

you need to find the valve, which I am sure you already know and have, for work (boss,coworkers.traffic), for family (mom, dad, brother, sisters, wife, hubby)

and realize that the kid will be excellent in some maybe in 2 years or more and sit down and scream, cry , play video games to let the stem out

your love does not change cause he doesn't swim like a champ, your feeling are perfectly normal and you know that too

your question shows very well your level of good education and that you are looking for just a pointer ,such as does anyone knows where is the exit button when I feel into a mumbo jumbo?

if you exercise you can run, it feels great!!!

and some else that very little person do, you can write get a journal and write all your anger , love, worries and disappointments after you wrote you feel a lot better, trust me done it for so many years and is so good after to read them back in years

I know this is not exactly the answer you want , cause there is no button that erase feelings and worries, but remember well

you are not a failure, which you know, but that feeling you have is actually the opposite

if you feel like this you give a d**n about your kids, about your self and you family

the failure would be the person who do not care and have no feelings toward the fact that the kid is not excellent in everything (which we know pretty much impossible, but what parents would want that?) your feelings are actually what do not make you a failure (plus your achievements of course, but your heart is everything)

save your feelings do not fight them actually understand them and one thing it switches everything is some really hard to do,

when you are mad at your kid, disappointment but you know is not the time to yell at them or give them "the speech" just hug them, is almost crazy cause you are mad and frustrated, but do it

and our heart melts , it will tell you to shut up and deal with it

I have actually real good parenting material to pass you if you are interested for your feelings and situation

let me know if i was any help or just an other answer on yahoo..........

ciao MIA

Answer 4

well, first of all, hes young right now, also, with children, you can't set your hopes up too high.

I think it's great that you are encouraging him etc. but you have to let these feelings of failure go. So maybe your kid isn't doing as well as you hoped. As long as he's happy, then you are not a failure whatsoever!

If you feel like your hopes have been let down, do the same thing you do with your child, with yourself. Think of all the positive things he did/does, and then try to find out the underlying reason why you are feeling this way.

Do you feel like he could do better, but is somehow not pushing himself as hard as he should?

if this is the case, maybe talk to him about investing himself 100% when it comes to trying new things.

In the end though, it's what your child accomplishes and does the best in that matters, and not what he doesn't do so great it.

besides, hes 6!! there's plenty of time for him to improve! Don't worry so early on, he'll get better with time. Just take a deep breath and say "My child is doing the best he can, and thats what i should be proud of"

Answer 5

It sounds like you're doing the right things with him. Be glad that he does well in school - that's more important than all the extracurricular activities.  

My son was the classic underachiever.  I'm sure he could have gotten straight A's, but he was usually satisfied with B's.  He didn't see the point of exerting himself over "a few points" on an assignment or bothering with what he considered "pointless busy work."  Yet he would spend hours building a computer in a cardboard box or designing a computer game or composing music on his guitar.  He got by in high school with little effort.  It drove me nuts, because I personally would never have turned in anything less than my best work.  I too was disappointed.  I thought he could have done so much more.

Everyone told me not to worry about it.  "Wait till he's in college," they said. "He'll start to do his homework."  It was true.  After some difficulty with his first term, he stepped up.  He began working harder and paying attention to deadlines. Finally in a field of his choosing (mechanical engineering), he found classes that truly interested him, and he was more motivated to give it his best effort. He is doing well now.  

But more importantly, his relaxed attitude has turned out to be an asset.  He doesn't worry a lot,and he handles the stress of engineering school better than most. Everyone likes him - even the teachers whose courses he failed. Every boss he has had says he is a good worker and gives him good recommendations.

The point: don't worry about your son.  He will find his niche.  It may take a while, but boys often do this late.  When he turns out to be a good person with high standards and good character, you will see that the rest didn't matter that much after all.

Answer 6

Just remember not all progress is meteoric and noticeable right away, some people need to kind of internalise things they learn before they can understand/recreate them. Try and be patient with yourself. Remember too, that this is not a reflection on you. Everyone learns at their own pace and if your son keeps trying he will eventually be great at whatever he is doing. The important thing is to just stick with it.

Answer 7

I do not mean to be harsh but if you are disappointed that your child of 6 years old "is not there yet" you really need to get some counseling, not for your benefit but for the benefit of your child. Also, I would NEVER tell a 6 year old things he could "improve on" when it came to anything, especially if her was trying his hardest. Talk about making a child feel inferior!

HE IS SIX! He needs all the encouragement he can get not some mother who defines herself in his accomplishments. You really need to get a handle on this before you cause your child some serious emotional damage. He may not be good in art, piano, sports or music. SO WHAT!! What exactly are you mourning....his inability or your own wounded ego?

Answer 8

My goodness. The boy is only 6.

As long as you provide the boy with opportunities, he will eventually latch on to something that he loves and that he's good at. He may end up excelling in Boy Scouts, computers, art...He may not find his nitch until high school, but that's okay.

Just be proud of him b/c he's your boy. He's wonderful and special and your love and admiration for him isn't performance-oriented.

Answer 9

Wow, that is A LOT of pressure to put on ANY child, but especially a 6 yr. old! You need to accept the fact that he's doing his best and that is truly all you can ask of him. Are you good at every single thing that you try? I highly doubt it! None of us are...we are all imperfect people. Your son just needs to know that he is good enough, just as he is. Ask yourself why you feel the need for him to be so good at everything. This is YOUR issue, not your little boy's. I always tell my kids to do the best they can. Sometimes their best may be a "C" instead of an "A," and that's O.K. Kids just need to know that their parents are always in their corner and that they are always loved...even if they are not "the best" at something!

Answer 10

I was shocked to see that he is only 6 years old.  Be very thankful that he is doing well in school.  I am a musician,and I was teaching a 6 year old last year, that his mom had him in sports, music, a special class that only spoke in spanish, he speaks English, by the way.  I realized that this child had no talent for music, and it was making him discouraged. So I talked to his mom, and she got angry with me, because she wanted him "well-rounded"-   a 6 year old needs time to be 6 and when you find out that something is discouraging him, take him out of that class, etc.   He does not have to excel at everything.  How do you handle your feelings?  You need to start looking at his strengths and not concentrate on his weaknesses as much. I am sure you love your son dearly, that is not the question here.  But to have him in so many extra-curriculum activities will only make a 6 year old discouraged- they are too young to be involved in everything, even if they say that they want too.

You say that it is by your son's own choice that he is in these activities.  A 6 year old needs guidance.  And when his/her mom and dad sees that an activity is continually discouraging him/her, maybe it is time to re-evaluate the activity.   Let him be a kid, and you may start to feel more encouraged yourself.

Answer 11

Just remember that we all have special talents. Things we are good at and things we are terrible at. When my son tried to play an instrument, he failed terribly. I just laughed it off and remembered how smart he is, and what a great kid he is. Who cares if he can play the drums or not?

Try to remember the great things about your kid. Don't let yourself be disappointed or think you are a failure. You are beating yourself up. You sound like a wonderful, caring parent and I think you're doing a great thing by not pushing him. Take the good with the bad, and revel in the things your kid does enjoy and excel at, and disregard the rest. Life is too short to waste time worrying about shortcomings.

Answer 12

I would just get over it. ITS NOT ABOUT YOU. This is about your child. You are taking to heart to much how your child is doing. I am assuming your child is older ie 10 or so. So he is becoming his own person, and can do things on his own now. its not for you to do things. This is him.. NOT YOU. I know this might sounds harsh and your thinking well your not a parent, but I am yet my daughter is only two and I get these feelings aswell, but I just remind myself that I have done my best in raising her and the rest is on her own free will. Children our not our little puppets that we control, we are merely vessels to their OWN lives. Our children our not our possessions but yet our responsibility. I hope this makes sense. Your thinking process is selfish, because you are THINKING ABOUT yourself. So you need to get over it and think about more important things, like what your child is feeling. If he is fine, than you should just be happy with that. If he is meant to excel in one thing or another, than he will. Hope this answered your question, I am not trying to be harsh, I am just being truthful. Good Luck- your doing a good job by your son!