Dealing with insensitivity toward adoption?

Question

My husband and I are currently in the process of adopting a child. For the most part, people are very supportive of our decision, which is great- especially our families. However, sometimes even well meaning people we talk to say some insensitive, or rather, uninformed things and I have a difficult time avoiding defensive feelings. I know that these comments, such as, "It's great that you're adopting, but there is really nothing like having your own child", or "It's great that you're adopting. Do you think you will try for a biological child next?", aren't meant to hurt my feelings. They are just uneducated about adoption. Somehow, I still feel hurt by them, and the other person generally has no idea, unless I challenge what they say. Are there any other adoptive mother's out there dealing with the same thing, and if so how? It's amazing how protective I am over someone I have never met yet! How can I educate people that adoption is not second best? Thanks!

Answer 1

I basically tell people (in as nice a way as possible) that I don't ask about how they plan on building their families and it really is a personal thing between my husband and me.  Usually they get the point, but if they don't...well the standard "She/He will be our own" works a lot, because they think about what they are implying.

Also, in cases of asking if we are going to have a biological child I ask them if they plan on adopting etc.  It usually works.  We didn't even try to have a child biologically before adopting, and that seems to really throw people off.  But, I just tell them again, this is how we are choosing to build OUR family, and they can choose to build THEIRS however they want.  

By adopting I have slowly gained a stronger backbone, especially when people don't seem to know why what they are saying can be hurtful to some people.  You are going to have to get used to people saying stupid and insensitive things, even in front of your children (which is the worst).

Good luck!

Answer 2

All you need to politely say is "This is a decision we have given a lot of thought about.  And this new child we are welcoming into our home has really consumed all of our thoughts lately, leavng no room for much else.  We couldn't imagine loving this child any less than if I had given birth to him/her.  Anyway, what's going on with you?"

Simply state your love, and move on to a new subject.  You have no reason what so ever to have to defend yourself or explain your personal decisions to anybody.

I praise you to the end of the heavens for what you are doing.  Bless your heart and may your new child bring you endless amounts of happiness.

Answer 3

<<How can I educate people that adoption is not second best? >>

You will have a hard time getting past this because it is a common popular notion based in fact. If you could have children of your own, you wouldn't be adopting.  That is the case with the majority of people who adopt non-related children in this country.

Answer 4

Welcome and congratulations. I'm sorry that you are already dealing with the insensivity of ignorant people but, that really is just the way it is. And it is sort of part of your job in advocating for your child to be able to say something to these people in an effort to educate them and show them how their insensitivity is hurtful. That's how I've begun to see it. People are usually pretty reseptive to being informed if they are unaware of how they sound and didn't mean to be rude or insensitive. When my son was a tiny baby someone came up to me and said in a loud sort of sing songy voice 'Well now whose baby is this?" And I looked at her with complete unbelievability as to the stupidity of the question and said, "Mine." I still don't know to this day what that question was really supposed to mean -- did she think I was the babysitter? I was 40 years old!!

There are some really good books about adoption and they do deal with all the different issues you may come to know about. You will have time to learn all about it and you can read it all in time. One that I've just got to recommend because I just think it is unusual and wonderful is called, "Did My First Mother Love Me?" It's written from the birthmother's perspective and it's a picture book to read to the adopted child about how their birthmother was feeling when she was pregnant with them and how she made the decision to give them to their adoptive family. It's the only one I know of like that.

Answer 5

"Been there!"....how about standing in the check out line with your baby in stroller and the lady in front of you (is eyeing you up and down), says....."Did you carry that baby"???? I am an athlete, and train very hard, so I probably do not look like someone who gave birth to a 2 month old, however, I thought, "how unbelieveably insensitive and nosey!!!".......In any case, I answered with what has turned out to be the most effective in almost any situation where there is an ignorant question...............I answered with...."Why do you ask?".........

Knowing what we know now about adoption (through learning from others who know the adoption language), it is now our turn to be advocates, to educate others who have no clue, but also, really don't mean any harm.  I have also learned now to just say a simple "thankyou", when people compliment me for looking good when they see me and the baby. Why not? There is no need to go any further, my daughter's adoption, is "her story", she is still my daughter, and I am her "real" mother.........(another sterotypical question!).  

In any case, you already have one of the best tools for these questions, and you are learning that now as a "waiting parent", "PATIENCE"..............

Good Luck to you!

Answer 6

Yes, I understand the questions.  My favorite was "Why aren't you having 'your own' child?"  I just looked the person in the eye and said with a straight face "Oh, well, I don't like having s*x with my husband."  That shut them up.  As for the "There's nothing like your own child" comment.  Just say, "He or she will be my own child."  The important thing is to practice staying calm and proud.  The questions will continue to come when your child is home in front of your child, and he or she will observe your responses.  I do make it policy to not to tell private info., for example about birthfamily, to people who have no business knowing and recommend having generic, polite answers prepared.  It is frustrating, but you're never going to make everyone understand.  All you can do is be a small example through your behavior and responses and maybe their understanding will grow.

Answer 7

yep been there. I always found saying yes adoption is great, just like God adopted us and Joesph adopted Jesus. Usually shuts them up.  And the race question, man I hated that one too. When they would ask I would simple say, human.

And the what was wrong with the birth parents that they would dare give the child up. I would say the loved the child enough to give him or her what they couldn't.

Answer 8

Say this:

"Well...the pains are about equal in both."

It is though, isn't it?

It isn't physical (although someitmes it is...setting up cribs and nurseries can be a back-killer) the process of adoption is full of so much emotional pain. I believe more so. You don't feel guilty about bringing a biological child into your family when you are ready, but with adoption, especially when the child is older, there is always that feeling of "What if my child doesn't want to leave his current home...will they feel sad, homesick even?"

Assure well-wishers that you appreciate their interest, and be honest. Tell them you feel that you could not love an adopted child any less than if you had pushed him through your very own loins...it certainly takes more out of you, financially and emotionally.

Adoption ROCKS! Thats what I call COMMITMENT!

Answer 9

I think you are doing an amazing thing, there are so many children in the world with nobody to love and take care of them, yet people keep having children they don't want. go figure! I know it's probably I really bad analogy, but if there was already too much food in the world, would everyone be in a hurry to grow thier own? I doubt it!  It really is about re-educating people, they see a biological child as an extension of themselves, therefore they get to leave their mark on the world, but I personally feel that it is nurture, not nature that is the main contributing factor to a well adjusted human being, this is documented in some research done into the Romainian orphans, in one orphanage all of the children, except one, were vacant and uncommincative, they discovered that the child who wasn't, was being picked up by the cleaner every evening, hugged and spoken to and generally nurtured. I think you'd agree that this child has a better chance in life, although apparently this process can be started at any time.  anyway I digress! you will probably never convince them completely, this is the belief system they have been raised with, and unless they invest themselves in it wholeheartedly as you have done, I'm afraid they just won't understand, but, keep fighting the good fight! good luck. hope it all turns out well.

Answer 10

Yes, these questions have always baffled and angered me as well. But over time they stopped and passed. Of course you are already protective of your child. It is already yours in your heart and mind. you are not physically pregnant but you are pregnant and waiting to hold your child. What a wonderful moment it is when you see the first picture or see your child for the first time and hold it. Unfortunately it is true that a lot of people think adoption is second best and it takes time to change their minds.

My husband and I decided to adopt our second child because it was important to us and we wanted to do it. At first my family was totally against it and we had to listen to remarks like,  "You are able to have your OWN children, why do you need to adopt". From acquaintances I had to listen to: "Oh, you are just too lazy to be pregnant again." (I stopped seeing them, lol). Or we had to listen to other "friends": "Well it is not really your child and it is not the same as your own child. You will see what you are getting yourself into." Needless to say, we don't see these friends anymore as well :)

My family is now over their initial doubts and have completely changed their mind and are now somewhat rooting for adoption. No wonder you have to see our lovely daughter. Who can't love her? Mother's pride :)

I have learned to overhear those comments and only answered the ones who seemed genuinely interested and caring. More and more people are now adopting and so over time people will realize that it doesn't matter where a child comes from or if you have given birth to your child - the love you have for each other is all that matters, that's what is making your family tick.

One more thing, depending on where you are adopting from, prepare yourself for more questions. If your child will be from a different race, people will stop you and ask you: " Is she/he yours?" If you say: "Of course." then they often say: "No really, I mean is she yours." and so on. Again here I always looked at the person to asses their sincerity and interest and then answered them accordingly. But again, these questions are now also dying down, since more people are adopting children.

Good luck and congratulations. I hope you will be able to hold your child soon.

Answer 11

if you ask ok. i will encourage pepole adopt because there many children how there that need love for someone.

Answer 12

i am a 37 year old male, and i adopted my oldest daughter when she was 18 months old. it does not matter what anyone says some are as you put it uneducated. let them say what they want. anytime someone says something stupid just look in your baby's eyes and that will give you the comfort and strength you need to over look dumb remarks. and just for the record, my daughter is now 19 has graduated from h.s. early and is now going on to nursing school.

Answer 13

I would say to these people "thank you for your good wishes, but my husband and I have decided that there are so many unwanted babies and children in this world that deserve a chance and need a good and loving home, that  we decided to adopt instead.  We have made no plans for the future but when we do, I am sure that we will make the right decision for us."

God Bless You Both!

Answer 14

It's amazing how dumb people are.  I usually say that families are made lots of different ways and mine (ours) will be through adoption.  Also, you'll get criticism of the birth- mother/parents saying how could they give up their child!  I always say that not everyone is made to parent and that luckily she (the BM) know this and thankfully so, because otherwise people like me and my husband would not have a family.  Be ready for people to comment when your child is old enough to figure out what they are saying too.  People say stuff still and my kids are 8 and 4.  Do they forget that kids have ears and brains?  We just deal with it is a positive way.  Good luck with everything.  It's an amazing experience!

Carol M