Decision to disown my mom and family?

Question

6 months ago I decided I had enough of my family (mom, 2 brothers and unfortunately my 7 year old neice). All my life I had tried to make my mom happy and provided finanical help to her and my brothers as they basically have nothing. My decision to stop all contact has been on and off for years but 6 months ago I finally had enough and just stopped calling them. The really sad part is that my 6 year old daugther will no longer see her 7 year old cousin any more and they use to see each other probably once every 3-4 months (so not often but they do have fun together and create memories with each other). My mom disowned me when I moved out at the age of 18 and moved in with my boyfriend who is my husband now of 13 years. I moved out because my father was abusive and the last straw for me was when he tried to kill me and my mom. I called the police in the middle of all this and when they came as they did so many times before, my mom would never press charges and for me this was the last time I was ever to going to in this situation. All my life I have tried to protect my mother from my father and remembering all the times she protected him from the police without giving him up to them. This went on for many years until I turned 16 and told my mom that if she didn't leave him and move out with me and my brothers that I would move out on my own when I turned 18, so that summer came when I turned 18 and I did what a traditional chinese girl would not do and I did move out. Many years have gone by and it took me years to understand that if my father did kill my mother and if I was not there to protect her then it would not be my fault. Long story short, when I had my daughter I asked my mom to move in with me and my husband to help us raise my daughter and again she said No and that she would stay with my father, even though I would get so many calls of my mother complaining about my father and his mental and physically abuse. For me it was either live with it or stop calling me which was almost everyday. Finally, a situation caused for my mom to move out and into an apartment with my 2 older brothers who are in bad credit situations. I helped them out finanically to get the apartment and moved my mom out as quickly and quietly as possible so that my father would not know that she was leaving him (this took a month and was very stressful because my mom was having second thoughts on moving). I thought I finally did it, moved my mom out to protect her and now she would be happy and safe....well the opposite happened, she started to complain about my older brothers, not doing this and that and even told me that she was thinking of going back to my father who has no idea where she lives because I worked hard to keep it all confidential with the cable and phone companies so that he could not track her down. I just want to know how do I stop waking up at night and double guessing my decision to disown them all. The sad part is that since I stopped calling my mom, she has not even called to ask why I have stopped calling her and stopped inviting them over for family get togethers, she has only called on mother's day (left a message) and my birthday (left a message) and recently my daughter's birthday just to say happy birthday and that was it. My mom and brothers have no problem solving skills so they don't even know how to approach me to find out what is the matter and why I stopped calling them. This situation will just go on like this forever unless I forgive my mom again for basically not protecting me as a child and if I do start up the conversation that I will feel like again I put my mom first and not me first. I stopped contact because I was mad all the time and I didn't want my daughter to grow up with a mad mom and at first I felt a great relief that I no longer have to take care of my mom/brothers but now after 6 months I wonder if I should forgive and forget because my mom is 70 years old now and getting older. But I know that if I do call them I will start feeling the same old mad and frustrating feelings again because they have so many problems that they are not willing to work out for themselves. Or, if any of you out there have gone through the same situation and maybe 6 months is a time were I will doubt my decision and by 9 months I'll be okay again? Thanks for reading my life's story and I hope someone can shed some light on what I am going through. It has been a hard decision but ultimately I was happy at the start of it but now it is keeping me up a night. Should I continue on and try to realize that I can't change people no matter who they are and even if they are family that my immediate family (daughter & husband) are my only responsibility? I just don't want to make a bad decison and regret it the day I get a call that my mom was passed on. Would you forgive/forget and live to listen to their problems?

Answer 1

take an independent breather if you must.  but never, never make it forever.  it's in no ones best interest.  how about an hour or two on a holiday?  please, never say forever.

Answer 2

It sounds like you have some tough choices.  You are not the only one this happens everyday. You can't entirely blame your mother for not protecting you.  You said they have no problem solving ablilities and your mom loved your dad and sometimes women just don't leave them even though they don't treat them well.  I will never understand that.  If you want to have a reasonalble relationship you could just support her in whatever decisions she makes but let her know that you don't want to hear about her complaints on your dad anymore.  At 70 she probably just feels that is where she needs to be and I give her and you credit that you actually got her to move out for the time she did.  You need to reconcile with your mom because you will regret if something ever happened to her and besides your beef is about your father.  You should try going to counseling and discuss whats going on in your family.  It would be very helpful to you in making choices and how to work things out.  

I hope things work out with you and your family, and I am sure you will do the right thing.  

Answer 3

your mom may not like her life but she is comfortable with it.  You cannot change that.  If it makes you feel better, tell her that you love her but you have your life, and you just cannot continue to want more for her because she don't want more, and that while you hope everything is okay you don't want to hear about the drama.  You can even forgive her, but i doubt you will ever forget the abuse you suffered growing up.  Its okay to love someone who has issues, but sometimes it is easier to love them from a distance.

Answer 4

I'm so sad that you're in such a tough situation.  I'm not a doctor or psychologist.  Is there any way you can see a professional counselor, pastor, rabbi, etc. to discuss this situation?  I think they could be of tremendous help to you.

You should forgive them (including your dad - for your own sake), whatever you decide.  Think about how you will feel a year from now?  What if your mom dies?  Try to think through different scenarios and how you would feel about them in the future.  What is the best course of action for you and your daughter?

If you can accept them all for who and what they are, maybe you can get rid of some of the anger.  I doubt any of them will change - but you can.

I'm hoping that you can reconcile with all (except maybe your dad) and accept their weaknesses and frailties, without being angry or bitter towards them.  You can ask they not discuss the family dramas around your daughter, so she doesn't get caught up in the whole mess.

My heart and my prayers go out to you.  You sound like a wonderful woman who is trying to do what is best.  You'll find your way, keep trying.

Answer 5

Wow... the pressures of the being the perfect Asian daughter.

I am sorry to hear that you had to live through an abusive father and finally making the decision to move out and be on your own.  First, I commend you for it and being strong.

Your mother is going through the stages of trying save face and trying not to let others know the real pain that she is going through.  I can't say, I know how you feel or anything but I can say that I am Asian and I understand the pressures of being the dutiful Asian daughter.  I can say that I am the most repsonsible of the siblings (I have 2 brothers, too) but my brothers are way more successful than I will ever be (at least for now).  But I was their 2nd class daughter and not the number 1 sons.

My mom can be very negative at times and I think it is her upbringing. I think in general and in the past, girls were more or less not expected to do much but to support their family and do what ever the head of household told them to do.  

I think you should support them as best you can, if that means cutting them off and giving them tough love then do it.  I do want you to continue to tell them that you love them and support them and that you are there but don't necessarily expect it in return in the way that you give it.  My parents do not hug, touch or even tell me they love me.. but I know that they do.   You just have to remember that when it isn't reciprocated back.  

I encourage you to continue contacting them -- in small ways, like a phone call here or there.  When your mom starts to complain, ask her questions to help her resolve it.  It looks like she does not have any problem solving skills like you say.  But she doesn't want to take advice from others, so, just pose questions that will help her think.  For instance, when she complains about your brothers and how they are not helping out.  Get specific examples.  And then prod her to see what the root cause of her complaints.  Work on the root cause and that will her feel like she has more skills and ability to work it through.

As for responsiblity, your primary responsiblity will always be your immediate family (daughter and husband) but you will also have your brothers and mother.  Unfortunately, your shoulders have more burden than most.  You should help out but in making a phone call here and there to check up and to ensure that your mother and brothers are okay.  I don't think you can do much else for now.  I hope your mother sees the errors of her ways.  She chose your father over the welfare of you and your brothers.  That I am sorry about for you all.  Thankfully, you had the foresight to get away from that situation and start fresh.

Stay strong, I wish you good luck.

Answer 6

Mama juli, The day your daughter was born, your responsibility shifted to caring for her rather than your mom and brothers. I was the oldest of 3 children, my mom married 3 times. There was constant bickering and asking me, as the oldest what to do. My husband accepted a job out of state. He now, years later, tells me that he did it to save me. I was mad at the time. I now thank him. We raised 4 beautiful happy kids together. And as for my family, they're still fighting, drinking and doing drugs. I speak to them mainly on holidays. Please email me if you need to talk.!!!! Good luck!!!

Answer 7

I wouldn't write them out of your life entirely.  Your siblings financial problems are not yours, so stop giving them any money.  You can still be their sibling; calling them once a month or so 'Hi, how's it going?'....'Hope all is well.  Can't wait for Thanksgiving!'  Just general, bland, non-confrontational topics.  If they ask you for money, say, 'I am very sorry but we're tight here, too and can't really spare it.  However if you need help getting to and from job interviews I'd be more than happy to help out.'

As for your mother.  Yes, her allowing the abuse from your father was very, very evil.  It was also a sign of severe mental distress.  Your mother needs major psychotherapy right now, not abandonment.  Right now she thinks your father is all she has, as he has been her spouse/abuser/controller for a large chunk of her life.  In a sense she has been brainwashed to believe this is the best she can get.

I think what you should do is start researching.  Call local battered women's shelters and ask for referrals to licensed therapists who specialize in physical/emotional spousal abuse.  Talk to the therapists yourself.  Go to some meetings with them, give them the story.  Tell them you obviously can't force your mother to attend counseling sessions, but you'd sure like to try.

If your mother is incapable of taking care of herself and is showing signs of danger to her or anyone else (in some states if you have proof of your father's physical abuse and she is thinking of going back you may have a chance), I'd call Family Attorneys to see what your options are on gaining Conservator of your mother's estate.  Just like Britney Spears's father did to her.  This way you can force your mother to attend therapy sessions, possibly even a rehabilitation for abuse.

Your mother is a defeated woman who knows no better than the life she has led thus far.  Try your hardest to save her.  If you get info from therapists and they are interested in seeing her, ask if they can help perform a 'intervention' type scenario, where you ask your mom for a lunch somewhere, or a visit at your house.  You be there ALONE, with only the therapist and maybe a sibling or your spouse, if they are wanting to help save her.  Then the therapist can tell her how their services could help her understand and repair her broken life.

Good luck to you but please do all you can.  I know you are frustrated and hurt and have the weight of the world on your shoulders, but if your mother were to die tomorrow at least you could say "I gave her my all".  In the end, that is worth everything.  Good luck to you, sweetie!