Defiant 10 year old daughter...Any Advice???

Question

I have a 10 year old daughter who right now is very disobedient and defiant. She doesn't listen to me when I tell her to do things, she talks back to me often with attitude as if she's grown and if I take her things away (such as video games she loves to play) she goes and tears up my room when I'm not home looking for them. She says she doesn't care about school that she doesn't want to go and I have to fight with her to get her out the house in the morning (this went on and still is it got so bad I was late for work so much I got written up and a truancy officer gave me a visit). She constantly says that nobody cares about her, nobody doesn't love her when that isn't true and she knows it but yet she still says that. How can I get this behavior to stop, how can I get her to care more about getting her education and how can I get her to listen to me and know that what I say goes? *Her father is not in the picture, nor will he ever be. She hasn't seen him since she was 4 years old. I work full time and I take online classes part-time. My mother and sister were helping me out with watching her after school, but I've seen now that they tend to let her run wild also and do the same to them as she's doing to me.* PLEASE PLEASE HELP!!! What can I do? I feel so bad, that things are going on this way and I feel like there's something I didn't do right as a parent. I know that I had her at a young age, but I took full responsibility. I made sure I finished school, I worked while finishing school, I worked after I graduated school; instead of going to college right away I went to a tech school and worked after that. My whole life has been devoted to making sure she has what she needs ...so where did I go wrong.

A little about me:

I'm a 27 year old single mom, I am raising my 10 year old daughter by myself since day one with the help of my family. I currently live with my mother, and my 23 year old sister, whom I support also. I work full time, as a file clerk and I go to school online part time.

Answer 1

i would spank her too when she acts up but i dont think thats gonna solve your problem u r a very busy Mom i think she may just need more 1 on 1 time with you with ur mom and sister living with uu she rarley has u to herself and even if she dosent realize it she needs that time with you...even if its u and her sitting doing her home work TOGETHER and her HELPING U cook dinner and clean up TOGETHER afterwards i bet 1000,0000 to 1 this will help with her attitude

Answer 2

Well the first thing you have to do is pat yourself on the back for being an independant mother/father and not giving up.  The next thing you have to do is put your foot down.  You must place her on lock down and stick with it.  Make her go to school.  Continue to take her things if she doesn't do better.  The only thing is I would at least let her have one thing like TV, but no games or internet and no cell phone if she has one.  If you stick to your guns and don't let her run all over you eventually you will win because you are the parent and she is the child.  It is sad when a 10 year old behaves this way.  If it were my child I would have put the belt to the butt already, but that's just me.  After you lay down the law she will be even more defiant, but don't feel sorry for her.  Not for a second...If you do it will start all over.  Eventually you will have control of your little girl again and you both will enjoy each others company.  Good luck

Answer 3

Tear hear disobedient butt  up!! Whoop her. You are the mother and the boss. You must train her while she is young. I mean what are you gonna do when she is 16 and acting the way she is now. You need to set boundaries. Punish her for her mistakes by grounding her AND spanking her if one or the other doesn't work and when she is good reward her for her good behavior. The bible says " Spare the rod; Spoil the child"

Answer 4

I have the same problem with my 11 year old nephew, I mean every example you spoke of is mocked by him.  I have a hard time dealing with it also.  I recently read 1-2-3 Magic.  I haven't practiced the routine yet, I'm waiting for my fiance to read it before I began the 1,2,3 process as both parents/guardians/babysitters, etc. should all practice it.  But it seems as though it will work well, there's a website, just yahoo 123 magic and read over it.  As far as babysitters letting her "run wild"  we have that problem too, which makes your own discipline even harder for her to take when she can do whatever she wants when she's with them.  Good luck with this problem, cuz I'm in the same shoes, and there is days that I just dont even want to go home after work and deal with it, you know.  Good luck, i wish you the best with the behavior!

And you didn't go wrong anywhere, she's pre teen age, that's when they grow a huge chip on their shoulder, you'll get through it

Answer 5

I'm not a parent my self I'm only 16 but i have a ten year old sister and a 17 almost 18 year old sister- my Lil sis does that all the time  but when she doesn't do what shes told shell go hide or yell at us and get in this rampaged mode but then my mom tells her if she gets her room cleaned and stayed clean for a week she can get a small reward like a book or game or purse and also i told my mom that it hurt my feelings that  whenever she did something bad she still didn't get mad at her cause she was the baby but after i told her what i felt she became more strict - when you start to tell her that school is important and the way she acts is childish then maybe shell realize how you feel after yelling at her a couple of times you feel bad but then she will hate being yelled at and she will stop behaving that way-my little sister hit my mom once and she made her go to bed with no dinner and she learned after that she still a Little crazy but shes getting better! i hoped i helped!! good luck!

Answer 6

FIRST, find out what the heck is going on at school! Grades/bullying/etc.

1] install padlocks on all bedrooms except hers - carry key around your neck

2] consider counseling - whole family - you, daughter, mom, sis

3] set up rules - if people can't follow them, then they can't care for your kid. Put her in after school care, if need be.

4] get teacher/guidance counselor in the loop, too

5] why are you supporting your sister?

6] take away daughter's privileges - friends, games, computer, TV - whatever rattles her chain.

7] set up steps she must do every day - get dressed, eat, so to school on time; all assignments written down, homework complete before privileges, responsible for her actions and words

8] set up a reward system - time with mom, going shopping,

pierced ears, getting manicures with mom,etc.

9] also set up a big one for end of school year

Answer 7

If you have time to read, I suggest The Strong Willed Child by James Dobson.

She needs some tough love. The three of you (mom & sister, you) need to get on the same page. You will have to take the initiative and tell everyone what behaviors are not accepted and what the consequences will be. Everyone will have to be very consistent on disciplining her or it will never work. There's no room here for softies and guilt-ridden feelings.

I use cleaning chores as punishment for my teenage boys. Smart talking = mopping the kitchen floor, etc.

But you also need to make sure you are spending quality time with her every day. You two could go for a bike ride, get a pedicure, go for ice cream, go to a movie, etc. And children this age still love to be read to. Pick a classic like Little Women and read a chapter a night to her at bedtime.

She also needs to deal with her feelings about her dad. That means opening up some way some how.

One thing I do with one son is write letters back and forth in a journal. The rule is that we don't write when we're mad. But we express to each other the things that we don't see eye to eye on. This really helps. We do it at random times and just leave it for the other one to find (on the bed, by the computer, etc.).

And the number one thing I would do is pray, pray, pray for this child. Get her involved in a good youth group at a church.

Another amazing book is The Power of the Praying Parent. This one has short chapters on all sorts of topics (friends, school, etc) with wonderful prayers at the end of each.

Answer 8

Your daughter is crying out for attention.  Sometimes negative attention is better than no attention.  Life as a single mom is difficult and even more so if you are trying to go to school part-time as well as work.  Where does your daughter fit into this equation?  Do you take time to spend with her doing girl stuff?  Make this a priority.  Have a date night with her each week and let her choose an activity that you both can do together.  

Your daughter also needs some boundaries set up for her.  Sit down with her and make a list of home rules that she must follow.  Allow her to help you decide upon appropriate consequences when those rules are broken.  Make sure you let her know how you feel about her back talk.  Make respect part of the rules and define your expectations clearly.  If taking away her video games is a consequence and she tears your room apart looking for them, put a lock on your door until you can trust her not to continue with this behavior.  Or, better yet, give the video games etc. to your mother or sister to hang onto with strict instructions not to give them back until such-and-such a time.  

Lastly, your daughter may need to speak with someone such as a councellor.  Does her school have anyone who you both can talk to.  Your daughter's self-esteem is very low and talking about things with a councellor will help.  Make sure you go with her as well.

You obviously have a lot of responsibility on your shoulders.  I don't know why you are supporting both your mother and sister as well.  If there is a medical reason that they cannot take care of themselves then you need to search out some kind of home care for them.  You need to concentrate on raising your daughter.  Other then this, you need to find a place for you and your daughter on your own.  Your mother and sister need to take care of themselves as they are only hindering you both.  This may be difficult financially but it will be better for you and your daughter in the long run.  Good luck.