Defiant son, and Im exhausted..?

Question

My son is 9. We adopted him at 9 months from Europe. He has been diagnosed by psychiatrists with ADHD, ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and CD (conduct disorder). I tried all the bonding techniques, holding, etc. Since age 2 he has been giving me bloody lips, hitting, kicking, punching, verbally nasty, breaking things, etc. He has been out of control and seeing a psychiatrist since about age 3. We went thru 6 nannies in 5 months. They could not take his behavior. We have been to parent coaching classes, therapy, etc. (He is on medication). He is monitored weekly for group therapy and every 2 to 4 weeks for his medicine. Most boarding schools do not allow students until they are 6th grade...and he is in 3rd. My Mom, his Nana is here now to help us as well. She always said, "oh, he's just a little boy"...but now living with us for 6 months, she is physically exhausted by him too. She said to me, "you DO need help with him." Advice?

Answer 1

I feel for you.

I think your only option is to keep constantly asking for further help from HIS doctor. He seems to have many problems that you say are beyond your control. I am sure you love him and have done your best - but if he is physically hurting you - you need serious help for him.

Insist that he has further tests and medication to control his violent behavior. Also consider these places where he can stay for a weekend for eg with full medical and emotional care, so the rest of the family can get some respite.

Don't you feel bad for a moment, you have taken him in and given him all you can, sadly sometimes we must admit defeat.

To be strong for him you all may well need some space and thinking and recharging time.

I really hope you find a balance to suit this troubled child and your family.

Answer 2

Well children or even adults with ADHD are all looking for the same thing - attention. So there are several ways you could deel with the matter but I think the best way to deel with your son would be to simply ignore Him. By the sounds of it he does't care whether the attention is negative or postive so pick a day to start and from that day on don't tell him off or praise him just go around clearing up his mess and not conversating with him just sort of go "yep uh huh ok" like you do when your not really listening and your son will start to get confused h**l notice that your not paying attention to him. Then when he is behaving act like you would normally again but the minute he does something wrong quietly walk out the room and ignore him again. He'll soon reliase that he only gets attention when he behaves and thus will more. He'll probably still have his moments but he should be alot better because he'll only get his attention when he's good.

Answer 3

Please visit the Amen Clinic's website.  I think you would find it very hopeful; however it costs a pretty penny.  This doctor uses some groundbreaking science and brain imaging to help clients with all sorts of problems (adhd, mood disorders, and whatnot).  It all comes down to the functioning of the "normal" brain.

Good luck in finding some relief.  It's hard to stay strong for a long time.

Answer 4

my mom recently told me about a couple that she knows dealing with similar issues. they adopted 2 children from another country, it took them nearly 3 yrs and thousands of dollars later. (agencies ended up stealing money instead) the oldest boy is doing well, however his sister was sexually abused for years prior and is now 9 yrs old. they've seen tons of doctors to help deal with her anger issues and behavior and they've actually had to have her institutionalized because she was danger to society. they aren't sure when or if they'll even be able to have her live at home. so my suggestion would be to meet with more doctors until you can find the right answer for your child. I'm truly sorry. A doctor that I work for also adopted a little girl when she was only a few days old here in the US and she's been diagnosed as bipolar, psyzophranic, and autistic. they love her unconditionally of course, but there are risks you take when you adopt or give birth. I know myself I have 3 children one is autistic.

Answer 5

My heart goes out to you in this situation, it sounds like things aren't easy on your end.  done so many things and you truly are seeking an answer and I truly hope you are able to find it.  I only have a few behavior suggestions that may help.  Of course, bear in mind not everything works for every child but adding a few more tools in your toolbox can't hurt.

There is a course called Redirecting Chidlren's Behavior that acknowledges that every misbehavior of a child is for a misdirected goal such as attention or power.  It sounds like with the ODD it sounds to me like less of an attention seeking and more like your child is searching for appropriate power and in his search for this things have just spiraled out of control. Try giving him choices in situations whenever possible  "Do you want to color first and look at a book after or look at a book first and color after?" "Do you want one spoon of corn or two". This can sometimes go a long way. Your child will feel as though he has control over his ife to some extent.  

Also, try making him "in charge" of something at home. Like, "johnny, you're in charge of helping set the table- you make sure there are enough plates and silverware for everyone, now this is a hard job but I know you can do it." Or something to that effect.

Have him choose dinner one night and let him help you cook it- let him help you do a harder chore (all of these might take longer to do, but letting him do it for himself will give him a way to feel like he's making a difference and has a role in the family.

As far as disipline, you have to be firm and consistent with him and make the consequence immediate after the misbehavior happens.

There is a child where I work that was diagnosed with ADHD and his mother changed his diet to "whole foods" and all natural foods (no food coloring or white pastas, bread, etc) and she has seen marked improvement in him.

I would be weary of heavy medication- there is a book called "Blaming the Brain"- I would reccommend doing some not-paid-for-by-pharmacutical-companies research to see if it is a good fir for your child.

I truly wish you the best of luck- I hope these suggestions are atleast a little helpful and please keep us updated on the situation!!!

Answer 6

I have been raising a child/teenager for the past 17-½ years that was diagnosed with all 3 too. A.D.H.D., O.D.D. and C.D. with further testing we actually found out that he has A.R.N.D, which brings so much more to the table. When he was about 3 yrs old I decided that there had to be someone to help other parents with these children as there is nothing out there offered. Also these children deserve so much more then they are getting and they can be successful and productive individuals with the proper guidance and support (other then the parent)

So I went on to work with the children that had all the different disorders/disabilities. I went in to the homes of the families to help them with proper discipline (not physical) structure, routine and consequences. The one thing that children with these problems need is a consistent routine followed by a consequence for every negative behavior and the routines have to be repeated and kept them same way as change only makes things worse for them and brings out the negative behaviors. Change to a child’s routine is only setting them up for failure and that is not fair. There are so many things that you can do to make your life easier and manage your child’s behavior so you can have some sanity back in your life as I truly know how you feel and where you are coming from.

If you wish to discuss or get some future information please fell free to contact me via e-mail and I can discuss with you the stratigies that have worked for me and everyone i have worked with… Good luck with everything and be sure to find some time if only a little for yourself because you have to be healthy to be able to continue.

Answer 7

The number 1 answer to this question would be prayer.  God can definately work miracles for you.  I have an 11 year old step-son with the very same diagnoses.  My husband and I are very strict and do use discipline (spanking) which a lot of people do not agree with.  BUT we go strictly by the book (Bible) and it says to discipline your children or they will grow and never have respect for you and they will rule the house.  In addition to spanking we take away things that he loves when he gets in trouble.  For instance we put an "out of order" sign on his television and playstation 2.  Your son is a little younger and I understand that he is adopted but just love him as your own which I am sure you are doing and continue to pray for him.  This must be very hard for you and your family.  We will definately keep you in our prayers.  God bless you....and you are doing a good job, just don't give up.