Depressed or just paranoid?

Question

I'm 14 and since late march my self esteem has been rock bottom.

I've been self harming since late April and I attempted suicide last month because I got so bad. My parents don't know about any of this at all, and I'm too afraid to go to a GP- I email the Samaritans but I'm finding they're not helping as much nowadays.

I hate everything about myself- my appearance, personality, intelligence [I'm in gifted and talented] and I have no true friends. The friends I have often lie to me, don't understand me, I don't trust them, we don't have anything in common and I'm moving school so I'll be without anyone.

I always feel guilty and that everything is my fault- my parens are constantly arguing; the atmosphere is extremely tense and I think I'm to blame if they are definately divorcing. My mum's health is bad as well and I feel I'm to blame for that. I feel the bullying I've had this year is my fault for being such an ugly, pathetic loser.

I've been feeling extremely hopeless and worthless, and I have no motivation left. All I want to do is sit in a dark room alone or to die.

I can't sleep because I'm constantly worrying about things- I'm also very paranoid, as I could hear voices whispering negative things about me in class when the class was silent, and I can sometimes see people who I've been afraid of even when they're not there as it's all inside my head.

I know some of you will just say 'Hormones' or 'Get to a GP'.

The thing is, I've been through all the 'Hormone' stuff.

I'm too afraid to go to a GP- for starters I don't know how to book an appointment, it's far away, my mum might be suspicious and I've got a it of a phobia of Doctors anyway.

Please help.

Beth.

Answer 1

i have been through exactly what you have believe me, i;ve tried to end it, self harmed and i'm still not the same now. when people say 'you will get better' or 'it gets better with time' you still dont think it will, and that your an exception to the majority of people. i have to say i was the same, i never believed it would, but it has, it takes time, and in the time it takes i dont think you should listen to people who try and tell you how to deal with it. deal with it how you feel best, but do not attempt suicide or self harm. once day you will stumble across something absolutely amazing (a new partner, a great job whatever) and when you do that is when you look back at this awful spell you going through and you will be stronger because of it, you can also look back then and realise how much better things are. i know that time may be a long way away, maybe it wont. but it will happen. the mind works in some very weird ways, but it adapts to certain feelings, like if you always feel down, it will adapt to it so when your feeling down you are used to it. this is what i was like but i have recently found a great job which has made me so happy , now all i want is a girlfriend and i will be complete. you should plan for the future, look at something you have always wanted to do or always wanted to do, and for the next few years solely concentrate on fulfilling this ambition. it will deter your thoughts away from this depression and give you something to aim at. since my depression started i started the gym, i have been goin 5 days a week for two years and my body is in amazing shape, i went from average to muscle man and because of it i now feel better, because i have worked for it, no one else just me. work at something and when you are satisfied with the results you will love yourself for it.

i hope i have been of some help

Answer 2

oh, i know exactly how you feel. I'm 14 too, i'm also in gifted and talented, and my friends are... well, honestly, i have none. I don't want to be left alone but i find it harder and harder every day to fit in. I get bullied at school because there are a lot of chavy ex-friends with their personal vendetta and sometimes the teachers bully me because i am dyslexic and they don't understand that. Our family is increasingly poorer and i think i am the main cause. My dad has cancer and it is a really large weight to carry around. He has had a rough time, not just with the cancer (My dad witnessed his sisters suicide) I have tried self harming and running away but eventually i feel even worse about myself. i just find myself stirring in a pool of fear and grief and shame and guilt. I think i'm going a little crazy because people have told me that i'm talking to myself and i'm not even aware. So you see, i understand exactly where you are coming from. the only thing that has made me happy recently is that my Labrador has given birth to 11 lovely puppies and that has changed my life, because whenever i'm with them i feel that... actually i don't feel anything but overwhelming love. I have found my solace in animals, maybe you could too. i'm sorry, but thats the best answer i have right now :]

This is hard, and i know it gets harder and harder until you get lost in your own head because you can't bear reality anymore. But i think the moving school idea is great because it'll give you a chance for a clean slate. And although its scary, you'll lean more about yourself because you wont be depending on anyone but yourself to do well. "there is always a light at the end of the tunnel"

Answer 3

Is there someone you can talk to right away? Like an adult you can trust? You really should reach out to a teacher, close family friend, etc. Get some help because you sound acutely depressed. =)  

Answer 4

I know you are not gonna listen but you need to tell your parents.  They need to get you help.  They need to put aside their fighting and realize that you need help.  You really need to get yourself to someone who has experience in that field.  If you don't want to talk to a GP, maybe then a teacher, the school's social worker or an adult friend.  They can help you get through all of those emotions and guide you on the right track.

Answer 5

You are just 14, so there's no way you have already been thru ALL the hormone stuff--you will not stop being hormonal till you are dead.  Are you on ritalin?  If you are, then that may be whats causing all this stuff.

Answer 6

Beth,

You seem to be ready to make the first step. Reach out to someone, either a friend, a family member or a health-care professional. Any GP receptionist will take your call and set up an appointment. The hard part is making the call. Good luck.  

Answer 7

I think it is perfect that you are moving.  Now is a good chance to change some of the things you don't like about yourself and no one will know the difference.  As for feeling responsible for other things that are going on... hunny... you can't control other people, and ultimately, you are only responsible for you and your own actions.  We all have trials in our lives, adversities to overcome, and perhaps this is your time to overcome something.  Doing so only builds character and makes you a stronger person.  Also, I know you are afraid to tell anyone about your sadness, but go ahead and get over that fear.  It sounds like you need some help right now and there is nothing wrong with that.... you have to tell one of your parents and get your life back on track.  Good luck.  

Answer 8

your 14, and although it seems intense, its for the most part normal.  i've been through bad depression and a few suicide attempts and I'm only 16. all you have to do is keep positive. its true, you get caught in a circle of putting yourself down, and that just makes things worse. a new school can be the best thing, go into your new school with confidence. keep your head up and smile, the ugliest person in the world can be a super model if shes confident enough. you just need to hang in there, good friends are inevitable so don't worry about that. you school will probably have a counselor or something, and although they suck so much, i know, they are really good, you don't have to talk to them, just go in and hang out, chat with them as a friend, its a really good way to lift your spirits. i hope life picks up for you man.  

Answer 9

Beth, you poor thing you seem to have the weight of the world on your shoulders! First of all you must not blame yourself for your parents divorcing or your Mums bad health. and no-one deserves to be bullied.  Thats not your fault. Secondly if your parents are not getting on and the atmosphere is very tense all the time then that is going to have a negative effect on you unfortunately, it would on anybody.  Maybe it would be better for all involved if your parents did separate?  I know it may feel thats not the case but I have heard of people staying together just for their kids thinking that was best when really it wasn't as the kid was constantly living with 2 people who don't get on and it eneded up ruining the kids childhood. Or maybe you are being abit paranoid and they are just going through a rough patch and they will be fine again soon.  

Listen, I really think you need to talk to your parents about how you are feeling with regards to everything.  A problem shared is a problem halved and when they realise how you are feeling they can be there for you more.  Things may seem awful now but they will get better.  It really isn't worth taking your own life for please believe me.  It is said that every person who throws themself off a bridge suddenly has the realisation before they hit the ground that all of their problems could have been sorted apart from one - the fact that it was too late as they can't change the problem that they are falling to the ground and gonna die from it.  I recommend getting this book: YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE by Louise Hay, its the best self-help book and has saved me many times. Your local library will get it for you or buy it from amazon v cheap 2nd hand or a bookshop brand new.  Also St.Johns Wort (herbal remedy) is good for depression, better than most anti-depressants with less side-effects and non addictive. You can get it from health shops, I think even Boots sell it now.  Sounds like you could do with some spiritual healing to, I don't know if you have a spiritualist church near you but if you do they offer healing free of charge or for a small donation whatever you can afford.  There are other things to think about aswell really but can't say it all here.  Email me if you like, keep your chin up x