Depressing poem i wrote?

Question

A cup full of poison

or a black widow bite

a knife in my heart

would be just right

a heart full of sorrow

and a mind filled with fright

a tired young body

awake at night

a book without words

and a world without light

does it need some work or is it fine???

Answer 1

Depressing? Yeah! It sounds like the pits.

Such sorrow

no hope for tomorrow.

The pain you feel

is enough to kill.

Will you sell your soul

for a painful woe?

Redemption is near

if you will hear

Rejoicing sounds

from the Master.

Answer 2

It IS depressing...guess that is what you are going for, so yeah, you got it.

Answer 3

Nice poem. :]

It sounds like something that would be in an MCR song!

Answer 4

it's pretty good

you're right it is depressing :(

Answer 5

wow, its very well written

Answer 6

the only thing worse is indifference.  It is already mine I have memorized it.  I will keep it safe, I promise. Can I sue someone for stealing my heart?

Answer 7

In my opinion, this needs one more expression, looping back around to the first thought. Something like this:

"a sip from the cup,

an end to this flight."

Feel free to steal it. A lawyer would cost 100 times what the poem might make.

Answer 8

An utterly good-looking girl

And my jeans feel so tight

Answer 9

I really like it.

I want to tell you though these lines here:

a book without words

and a world without light

Are Brilliant!

This is not a knock on your other lines, but these ones stand out. They are excellent. I think your poem is good as it stands, but I think the last two stanzas actually are your best (with the final one as I've said being the best).

I think if you want the poem though to feel done you may want to invert the last two stanzas. My thought is by moving from objects to a person you acheive a sense of closure.

A cup full of poison

or a black widow bite

a knife in my heart

would be just right

a heart full of sorrow

and a mind filled with fright

a book without words

and a world without light

a tired young body

awake at night

That's all I've got (use what works for you, ignore what doesn't).

Answer 10

i think it's beautiful!

Answer 11

It is fine, but needs some sort of conclusion, perhaps only one more couplet.

Answer 12

It seems fine to me..

You leave it they way you want it..

No one should have to fix what you wrote...

If you like it the way it is then leave it the way it is....