Depression making me feel angry and suicidal, please help?

Question

I have had depression for many years, and sadly as a young adult, still live with my Mum. I am taking what I would call "small baby steps" to reach my goals, and this year it is to do an extra Higher to get to uni and not have to live with her, so that I am pretty much independant. Since June however, my depression has rocketed. There is alot going on, including my selfish pig of a Dad deciding to sell our much loved home to do a degree down in Edinburgh when he is retired, and my Grandad taking a bad fall and ending up in hospital. I dont get on with either parent now, and keep arguing with my Mum. Today was pretty bad, and I was mad at the fact there are no special nails to hang some pictures up in my room to make it feel more like "mine", and I got really angry. Mum has been saying all day it would be so much easier if I wasnt here, I cant do anything right and I depress her all the time. My Dad (now in Edinburgh) has been sending letters which make the depression worse; he knows how much I hate the Polish, and then writes things like how there is a family of them in his flat stairwell with a four day old baby. My anger has been so bad that I have said some pretty bad things about what I would do to them. The other day I even nearly picked a fight with this family when their kids nearly bashed into me, I threw them a dirty look and the Mum shouted something at me. Every day I wake up and think, should I overdose today, or why cant I just sleep and never awake. I have a job, but it is shift work, and shifts are scarce as much as I love my job, and Mum has been trying to make me apply for another job working in Aldi or Lidl, despite having done shop work before, and hating it. It's not helping matters. I start college part time tomorrow, but in all honesty I think, why, I may as well move to a city and take drugs or prostitute myself to harm myself. I am on anti depressants and Beta Blockers, and see a doctor roughly once every two months, but its not working. I am awaiting to see a psychiatrist, but it seems to be taking forever.

Answer 1

I do sort of understand where you are coming from, I do not get along with either my parents while I am always in the shadows of my siblings. always trying to impress them but never achieving anything. I can't say that I fully understand where you are coming from since you do seem that you are experiencing a situation that is much worse. I do, however, have a friend that is maybe a bit similar to you than I am. I am not suicidal but she sometimes is. It takes a lot of strength in me to convince her to not do anything that might hurt her in anyway.

I can't tell you to stop because no matter what I might say and do it is ultimately your decision I just want to tell you that although you might think that killing yourself will put you out of your misery it won't. What awaits for you after this life is something out of this world, the things you choose to do before you life ends will determine what world you will end up in. You might not believe this as not everyone has the same beliefs and that's okay. What you need to do is get some positive emotions and thoughts, no matter how hard that may be, and start something which is helpful in your life for you. Don't worry about your parents or what they want you to do because it is not their life. No matter what they do they can't tell you how to live it. Don't hurt yourself because you want to escape it all, even though it may help for only a second it doesn't keep everything from resurfacing all over again, and in the end you will hurt yourself to the point where you can't stop. Go out with your friends, meet new people and have fun. Be the best person you can be without keeping everyone else's feelings and thoughts in mind. If you truly become you then you will surely notice people being attracted to your personality and you will find happiness some way or another. Please, just don't give up. Your life is your most important asset, don't throw it away.

Good luck for your future. I hope I helped in some way or another.

P.S: When your father sends you another letter & you sense that he is sprouting nonsense again. Don't open it, no matter how tempting it may be. Place it somewhere that is neither a place you open everyday nor a place which you never look in. Once you are strong enough, read it and write back that once he has something which he wants to tell you that won't make you want to tear something to shreds, he can write again. Be honest and straightforward and tell your parents how you feel no matter how girly that may seem.

Answer 2

Start by breathing.  You posting here shows you really don't want to end your life.  The thoughts are normal and expected in your situation, but you know you don't want to do anything drastic.

When you next see your doctor tell him the meds aren't working.  The main problem with depression is it can be mental, physical OR chemical, and one pill won't work for all causes.

If you can rule out physical depression then I would suggest trying an Herbal pill called St. John's Wort.  It is a mood enhancer and works wonders for mental/emotional depression (like I have).  If you suffer from chemical depression St. Johns won't do a thing.

Give the doctors office a call (or the pharmacist in your local drug store) to inquire about taking St. John's with your current medication, they will be able to tell you of any interactions that may occur.

You SHOULD be safe, but ask FIRST anyway.

Take 3 pills (as a loading dose) then take 2 pills every 4 hours the first day.  After that, you can take 2 pills 2 or 3 times a day.  You should notice semi-drastic improvements within mere hours the first day, and after the first week a new person.

However, if your depression is not emotional then again, St. John's won't work, but then you will know it is most likely chemical and your doctor can get you the right pills.

As for your college, they have professionals there for free to go talk to that can possibly take the edge off until your psych appointment.

Just breath. ;)

Answer 3

My god you are an angry person. Why would you hate the Polish? Geez, cut the world a break. You need more than antidepressants..... Go see that psychiatrist. In the meantime try writing in a diary instead of spewing anger and hate in all directions including at yourself. Try running when you are angry instead of fighting with people, anything but taking it out on everyone around you. Oh and go to the store and buy some damned nails!

You guys can give me all the thumbs down you want but sometimes the truth hurts and a pat on the back and saying "Oh you poor thing" will only make it worse because you're letting her justify her behavior. Listen You are angry, very angry but it is a symptom of the depression and you are overreacting by directing the anger at everyone around you when it is not really their fault but is an inappropriate emotion caused by your depression. And that will not help but just make you feel more angry as you alienate more people. I apologize if I sounded harsh but there are sometimes simpler ways to solve an issue than fighting, such as buying some nails instead of having a huge fight with your mum. Or running until you exhaust yourself. You even admit that you say terrible things to them and you know it is wrong. I'm just suggesting ways to deal with the anger other than fighting which is only going to exacerbate your anger.

You can think I don't know what I'm talking about but I do. I have bipolar 1 and I have irrational rages where I want to lash out at anyone close to me over the littlest things. Medication will help but since you have to wait to see your doctor you need to do something in the meantime. You know your anger is inappropriate and you know you hurt your parents with the things you say, what you don't realize is that just because it comes from your depression doesn't mean you haven't hurt them and it doesn't mean they will forget what you have said. You hurt them with the things you have said and that hurt does not just disappear. When I get angry, furious, whatever, even if it's because my kids won't do their chores I know I have to take myself away for a few minutes because they do not deserve the things I would like to say in my anger so I put on my walkman really loud and I run and run and run until I'm exhausted and not angry anymore.

Do not try to kill yourself. Every life should be lived happily, some of us have a harder time at it than others but it can be. you can be happy. But if you destroy your relationship with the people you love you will always feel guilty for it.

Answer 4

I wish there was a quick answer to your problem but the only real solution is to endure it and don't let it kill you.  You are doing the right thing seeking professional help but I know from my own personal experience that it will frustrate the Sh@#! out of you.  I had to wait six months before I could talked to a psychiatrist and the session left me unsatisfied which was compounded by the fact I had to wait another three months just to see him again.  Fortunate for me I was able to overcome my depression on my own because I study psychology as a hobby.

Answer 5

DON"T kill yourself. this is never the answer. killing yourself will not allow you to escape into a better world.  

Answer 6

Volunteer to help others. Makes ya feel better.

Go see the doctor.

Call the suicide prevention hot line.

I'll pray for you! Have you excepted Jesus as your savior? I too was in a spot like you are. I felt lost. I excepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior, put all my cares in his hands and my life got WAY BETTER! Plus, if you commit suicide you are going to h**l. With worms and nashing of teeth.. and oh ya, that whole fire thing. Not a good time.

Since then I have gotten married, bought a house and have an awesome life!

I still have my down moments. No one's life is perfect. And if we didn't have the bad times, we could appreciate the good times.

Take a trip! Smell the roses! Once you're gone from this world. you're gone!

I guarentee you have at least one person in this world that will miss you!

Get a puppy!

Answer 7

why are you so angry?  of course you will have an unhappy life if you harbor all that anger.  

whatever it is, you are adult now, its time to let go of the little things (you hate the Polish?...is that a British thing?  i don't get it).

anyway...depression can hurt (i know first-hand), but if you allow yourself to perpetuate the hurt and anger and you dwell on it then you will never break-away from the cycle.

even if it hurts, wake up in the morning and be happy that you are alive!  the mind is a powerful thing.  the world has so much to offer, it may seem out of reach, but it isn't.

Answer 8

if you seriously cant wait to see a psychiatrist and ur feeling suicidal go to a psychiatric hospital. you will see one every day along with nurses, councelors, and groups with people who are the same or worse then you. its an eye opener full of help. suicides stupid dont do it. i tried it and am glad that i did in a way cuz i would never have matured n gotten so much help if i didnt

Answer 9

My husband has suffered depression for many years and studied many Anti-Depressants & other drugs to try & understand how to overcome it.

Beta-blockers may calm you, they can also make you feel tired &/or depressed.

The best current A-D he has found is effexor (venlafaxine) but GPs in the UK can't prescribe it, only a psychiatrist. Duloxetine is their alternative.

He obtained it anyway (for experimental purposes only of course!) and found it was amazing, worked within hours (though doctor said it couldn't - I tried it and found HUBBY was RIGHT - very pleasing), nearly as good as dutonin which was withdrawn in 2003.

Effexor is a SNRI, unlike Prozac, an SSRI. "venlafaxine may significantly increase the risk of suicide, it is not recommended as a first line treatment of depression. However, it is often effective for depression not responding to SSRIs" Read link below, we both think effexor is excellent not only for depression but general motivation etc.

Answer 10

I also have depression and it can hurt. Try staying with a friend for a while and have a little time to yourself. After a break I often feel recharged and feel I can accomplish anything.

Answer 11

Hi,

I've got the same problem in deciding.  It's not at all easy is it?  I'm looking at some free college videos at the moment which not only show lots of details of each college but also talk to the students there to find out the real lowdown on what's good and what's bad about that college. They've certainly helped me to get a lot closer to making my decision.

If you're interested, you can see the videos at http://www.free-college-videos.com

Good luck!

Answer 12

dont kill yourself. thats not going to solve anything. and if u do sweetie your going to h**l. what your going thru now will be a million times worse in h**l. talk to some one u trust alot about ur situation if the psychiatrist is taking too long. think before you act. your friends and family will be devastated. dont kill yourself or harm yourself.

Answer 13

Ade,

I know you are only a YA contact, but I care about you.  Please don't even consider suicide as an option.  This posting has me really upset.  What can I say to make you feel like you are worth living and enjoying life, but I do believe that you are.  You are an intelligent, young woman with so much going for you; you simply cannot succumb to this very rough period in your life.  There is more to life then what you are living now.  I want you to believe this.  There is a future of happiness waiting ahead of you, but you must be patient. I'm sending you some vibes of calm~~~~~~~can you feel that Ade?