Did Anyone Else Get Judged About Adopting A Child.....????

Question

I am so hurt, because I don't have the support from my extended family.

My Husband & I have 4 children of our own (2 sets of twins -newborns & nearly 3yos son's). We have put forward a claim to adopt our Godson, who is in our custody.

Everyone feels the need to ask, if we are sure. If we didn't want to do this we WOULDN'T!!

I get phone calls from family members saying how, we should think about it some more, or it isn't a good idea, because he will never truly be apart of our family.

My Mother in-law actually told me this morning, she doesn't feel that she could ever love him, because he isn't ours. Being sick I told her a few things, I'd rather not repeat. Usually I get on fine with her.

I am sick of it. I thought it was our decision, but apparently everyone else around here knows better than us.

*rolling my eyes!!!*

Answer 1

Hi Charli, I dont know much about adoption but just wanted to tell you how awesome you and your husband are for being so selfless in taking in your Godson and caring for him like he was your own.

Frankly, the extended family can get stuffed and mind their own business.  Do not let anyone put doubt in you minds.

If you know in your hearts its what you want, and that you can do it, then go for it.  The right decision will come from your hearts not other peoples judgements.

Stay strong and good luck...i really admire you for the love you give to the poor boy.

Answer 2

IF the child is better off in your care then who is to judge that...if that who is to judge it PERIOD!!!! That is no body's business but the three of yours(among your other children also) That is pathetic that your mother in law said that...if she doesn't want anything to do with the child then too bad for her eventually she will want something to do with baby and the child will want nothing to do with her. Don't listen to anyone and their opinions because it is not worth the stress and hassle listening to those idiots.

Take it like thi "Opinions are like a$$holes,everyone has them,its just some stink worse than others"

Good Luck and Go for it!!!

Answer 3

Agh! I can completly understand what you are going through. We have been trying to have a baby for 4 years and we are now looking into adoption. When it comes up and we mention that we want to adopt insted of being supportive or asking intellegent questions, everyone keeps asking us "Why dont you want to have your OWN kids?" And so many 4 letter words come to mind. I get so angry!  We tried to have our "bio" kids and its not working out but even if we adopted they child WOULD BE our "OWN". I cant belive how insensative people can be. And after that response i dont even feel like explaining anymore I just feel so defeated! I was adopted and see it as being "just as good" and having a biological child but I am appalled at the family memebers who have made it known they dont feel the same way. (um because what do they think about me then?) I dunnot... Im just disguested by them right now and if they dont treat my child like a true family member they WILL NOT be around him.

Answer 4

i guess not everyone has a kind loving heart like yours!

i feel exactly like you,. if i did adopt i know 100% i would get the same comments off certain family members aswell

your doing a FANTASTIC thing, please dont let anyone upset you, youve got your hands full already with 4 kids, and to add another shows what a beautiful kind loving person you are,,, im so proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  ooooooooooooooooo xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx oooooooooooooooooooo xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ooooooooooooooo

LOVE LAURA xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Answer 5

wow...as much as i DESPISE adoption (as a grown adoptee), it sounds to me like you would be exceptionally in-tune with this child's needs as an adoptee.  seriously.

this is huge, and i think you already are way in "the know" about how to handle this situation.  i wish you tons of luck in this.  please go with your heart.

Answer 6

Good on you !!!!!

Bugger what anyone else says.

My feelings are that they are JEALOUS and GULITY cause they don't have the guts to do what you are doing and it's making you look better than them.That's what their problem is...It has NOTHING to do with the kid.It's their problem.

If I was in your position I would do exactly what your doing....It's the right and moral thing to do.That boy is a blessing and will bring SO SO much to your family.And you know what?  your mother in law is going to LOVE him eventually...you'll see.

GOD BLESS!!! xo♥

Answer 7

My family is never supportive of my decisions (I think it can be a whole lot harder to deal with things when you're used to having support, and then it disappears...I knew what we were up against when we made our decision).  We didn't "discuss" anything with anyone.  We "informed" them, and made it very clear that we weren't open to input.

That's just my family.  My husband's family is usually supportive.  They had a few concerns, but after they voiced their concerns, and heard what we had to say, they were behind us 100%.

I wish you all the best.  This is a difficult time, and you don't need anything else on your plate.  I wish your family were being supportive, and I hope they come around.  Or, if they're not able to reconcile their own feelings, I hope that they at least are able to accept that this isn't their decision, and that they'd better treat all your children the same, regardless of how they "feel" about any of your children.  It's not fair to the child to be viewed as "not good enough", or "not part of the family" because some adults are having misgivings about something that has nothing to do with them in the first place.

Grrrrrrr...I hope this works out for you and your soon-to-be son.

Answer 8

My husband and I have not adopted a child yet, but we are considering it. Whenever we mention it to friends and family, we get judged the same exact way as you too. I've learned to ignore it, I know that if we ever do adopt a child, I'll love him/her as much as my own. If I even doubted that I couldn't love him/her as much as my own, I wouldn't have bothered considering adoption at all.

Good luck with what you choose to do, I think you're doing the right thing!

Answer 9

I am so sorry your family is being so unsupportive. This is not just some child from the orphanage this is your godson. Of course this attitude is bad even if this boy was some foster child you all decided to adopt. It is not for your in laws or anyone else to dictate how you and your spouse choose to add on to your family.  

If I was in this situation and had family that could not be loving and accepting of all the kids regardless how they came into the family. Then those family memebers would not be around any of the children. I wouldn’t want that type of attitude of we can only love people who are biological related to us to be around my kids.

Answer 10

Yes....and we learned to tell everyone thank you and it's a good thing you know how you feel about the decision we are making and it's a great thing you are not making this choice.

We learned that we could figure out which family members actually had a real soul by how they responded to our decision. And we didn't ask them to do anything special...

We do keep certain distance from some family members who we feel do not have the correct attitude or will treat our children the way we expect.

But, it isn't just family members we have to deal with...because there are some people we meet along the way that just have an odd or negative attitude toward the private details about our family and out children. We have heard the strangest things from the strangest people.

Oh well.... we can control how much it effects our family because we are in charge of the amount of exposure we put ourselves into... We don't have to spend much time with those who have any kind of damage or negative impact on any person in our family.

It is also VERY true that sometimes People don't know how they will really feel until the situation is actually real...other people say things because they worry you will not have what you are after and they want you to not be hurt than....and some people say stupid things because they can't imagine doing what you are sugesting and they don't want you to have any more then you have to deal with now....

It's just life to sift through these things and let everyone deal with whatever---and maybe people will say things later because they surprise themselves.... some of these statmens come from their own fear and lack of information....

Answer 11

I think most adoptive parents have to deal with the unsolicited advice and opinions now and then, no matter what the circumstances of the adoption.

There's something about adoption that makes people think they can judge you, guess your motives and know better than you do.  You are most definitely not alone here!

Your family will either come around, or they won't.  But I see nothing wrong with you laying down the law here.  Your children are YOUR CHILDREN, no matter how they came into your family and there's no reason that your extended family should treat any of them any differently.  

Rally your support, from your husband, other relatives, friends, and keep them close.  

Good luck!

Answer 12

From what I remember his parents A) dont want him and b) its a abusive home right ?

And in that case i completely think that this child who has been with you anyway should be adopted by you.

But I'd be telling these sticky beaks to get their nose out, and that if they can not love your adopted child as they do your biological child then they can just get used to the idea of not seeing their biological grandchildren either

That You do not need this c**p, that you do not need to think about it 'anymore' that you have had this child anyway and the child is in a abusive situation and this IS the right thing to do for the child..

I mean geeze with 2 sets of newborns and 2 3 year old twins you are hardly doing it for YOU are you !.

IT IS YOUR Decision and just tell them that and that they need to respect it and get with the programme or GET OUT

Answer 13

There are always going to be people with opinions about everything you do.  You know what people say about opinions...they're like a*sholes, everyone has one.  

When I was pregnant with my first child people asked me if I was sure that I wanted to have her instead of aborting her since I wasn't married.  Talk about offensive and none of their freaking business!  Now that she's an adorable, bright, honor-student, those same people tell me what a great kid she is.  I want to smack them.

Of course the decision is yours, just like anything else in your life.  If the boy has lost his parents, then he needs you and it is the right thing to do.  When people ask, you should tell them simply that and change the subject, they should take the hint.  If they pursue it, tell them 'thank you, but we're not looking for opinions, this is what we are doing'.  

Later, those people will probably change their tune about him, just like people have done about my daughter.  Just try to refrain from smacking them.

Answer 14

I've never been close to a situation like this, but i just want to tell you - Dont Second guess yourself. I think what you are doing is such a wonderful thing - if i was in your position i would adopt him in a heartbeat!

Its sad that your not getting the support that you need, but if they cant be there for your family when it is most in need, they're not worth wasting your time over

Answer 15

I've never adopted a child, so I can't come from where you are, but as a child that lived through foster homes, I congradulate you.  They may be worried about you, as you already know what that absolute love feels like, with your own children.  But that doesn't mean you can't love someone outside of your own faimly, you feel in love with your husband right?  ( I know it's different with a child, but you get the point)  

The biggest thing I can recommend to you, is to take time with your Godson, and your family.  It takes a while for trust to build on both sides.  Also relize, that they might be nervous or scared too,of having someone that may be so different from them join their lives.

Thanks for trying to make a difference.