Did/Do your adoptive parents do a lot of pretending?

Question

About your medical history--like pretended theirs was YOURS? My afather is always telling me I should get checked for some ailment or condition he or amother have. He had a melanoma spot removed and warned me to 'get examined RIGHT AWAY"

Or my amother, who had breast cancer, telling me I need to check for lumps all the time, "because Sxxxx gets them, too! "Umm, Sxxx is her bio daughter. I have told her breast cancer doesn't run in my family, and I get yearly mammograms, but she still says I'd better "watch out".

Or ancestry, for example my afather used to say I had "soft skin just like your grandmother's" (my amother's mother) or point out something German, and say "that's where our relatives came from!"

Or will comment on a trait of mine, and say, "I don't know where you got that from!" And I'll say, "From Bxxx" (natural mother). They just say, "Oh."

Why is it so hard for adoptive parents to acknowledge that we are our own people?

Answer 1

I'm embarrassed to say that it took me into my 20's before I realized the medical info form at the Dr.'s office had nothing to do with me!   I just went along filling out the form with meaningless medical history for years not even thinking about it.   Then I realized how fortunate I was in a way not to share my family medical history as cancer, and heart disease are rampant on both sides of my adoptive families.  I don't know what my bio background is but it probably couldn't be much worse.   I now make sure the Dr. knows I am adopted so we can ere on the the side of caution.

Answer 2

I do think that it is unintentional.  A woman I know adopted a baby a couple of years ago and he was sick when they first got him.  She was talking to the doctor on the phone and they were asking if the baby had any history of, let's say asthma, and she answered "No, no one in my family has asthma" and her husband who was in the room had to say, "honey, his natural families history, not ours."  She said that it didn't even cross her mind that his was different. He was hers and she wanted to take care of him, that is all that she was thinking about.

Answer 3

Personally, I think you're a little oversensitve.  Melanoma and breast cancer ARE medical concerns that people SHOULD be checked for, regardless of family history.  Just because your biological parents have no history of these conditions doesn't mean that you are free and clear.

And I've never put my biological data (or family medical history) as my children's family history.  It makes no sense to do that.

Answer 4

I think it's an adoptive parent's way of erasing any differences in the blood line, in essence tying them that much closer to their adopted child. It's also possible that they don't even realize (over time) that they aren't talking to their birth child b/c they feel that close to you as their child.

Answer 5

They (fortunately) never pretended about the whole medical thing.  They were totally aware that "unknown" or "adopted" was a fitting response of the medical history questionnaires at doctors' offices.  They even were know to wonder out loud if any of my natural relatives had various conditions that I had from time to time.

One memory that I have of childhood was a visit to Ohio to visit my grandparents (amom's parents.)  During the visit, a was sitting on the sofa talking to my grandmother and she put her arms around me and said, "We love you like our own."  She was neither denying my adoption nor seeing me as less than everyone else in the family.  (I was the only adoptee.)  She understood that I wasn't exactly "their own" in the specific way that those born into a family are.  She was from a generation that still held onto the "old ways" when it came to adoption.  It was somewhat foreign to her until my adoption came along.  But, her love for me was no different than those born into the family.  It felt good.  That statement held both her truth and her love in it for me.

ETA:  What....thumbs down for my grandma?  Aw, man...she was a nice lady.  Some people crack me up big time.

Answer 6

Well I never thought my aparents did this but I have found that my adad is completely in denial about my reunion.  Even though he seems ok with it all.  He keeps forgetting that my first parents even exist.

Whenever I make any reference to my firstmom by name, he asks who I'm talking about.

Like this:

Me:  Hey Dad, we had a visit with Nancy the other day.

Dad:  Who is Nancy?

Or

Me: Nancy sent us some cookies for Valentine's Day.

Dad:  That's nice.  Who is Nancy again?

Seriously, it's weird.  He doesn't seem to have a problem with me being in reunion but he keeps forgetting that I'm in reunion at all.

It's like he's pretending that my first family just doesn't exist.

It's very weird.

As far as medical history, no.  My family never did that.  But I just recently switched doctors and for the first time in my life, I was able to fill out my medical history.  It felt really, really good!

Answer 7

No my parents never pretended on medical history. From what people some have posted I don’t think their adoptive parents are pretending just that they simple forget.  Breast cancer can be suffered by any woman regardless if it runs in the family or not. Many woman who get it each year it’s a first in their family or at least in many many many generations. My Aunt just had breast cancer and she is also a first on my mom’s female side of the family.

Answer 8

They used to when I was younger, but now they joke about it, like my amom was here the other day and she saw about 3 pairs of my shoes in the living room and she said "see, some things aren't inherited" followed by a chuckle and then she said "i leave my shoes in the living room too."

My aunt though forgets all the time and reminds me to get checked for breast cancer since it runs like a chicken with its head cut off in my adads side of the family. That would be "alot" incase my analogy was bad. lmao.

I'm sorry your parents deny your differences, it bothers me and especially bothered me when I was young before they understood how much it bothered me.

Whatever the reasons it just plain sux.

Answer 9

No, we have never done any "pretending" with our children.  They know they are adopted and we share everything we know about their biological families, especially any health concerns.

Answer 10

A few months after we brought my son home, I was going out to eat with my parents. We were eating spicy Chinese food. My mom then proceeded to ask me if I got heartburn while I was pregnant. She was dead serious, then all of a sudden it hit her what she had said. We laughed about it.

The crazy part is that my parents have spent time with my son's first mom and were very involved with the whole adoption process. It was just a complete slip of the tongue.

I feel bad for you if they intentionally do it, but if there doing it because you feel so much like their own bio child, I would try to talk to them about it and let them know it bothers you.

I don't want my parents making comments like that to my son, living in some fantasy world that he has our genetics. However, I can forgive them for slips of the tongue every know and then sheerly for the fact that they feel that close to him. I would much rather have an occasional slip of the tongue then have them treat him differently because he is not a bio child.

Answer 11

I was the same as cruzgirl, I just filled in the medical forms as they pertained to my adoptive family !  Duh!  I can't believe I really did that and it's a relief to know I wasn't the only one so 'deep in the fog'  LOL!

It had more to do with my own fogginess, and luckily it had nothing to do with my adoptive parents pretending or anything.   I feel I lucked out with my aparents, they never lived in la-la land like some of the peeps I've witnessed, particularly right here!  They are realists, thank heaven, and know the difference between their ancestors and mine

Answer 12

not too often. we did have a few things they would say i should watch out for, i think they simply forgot i didnt share that dna with them. i would just say 'ok' and let it go. usually it was stuff everyone should keep an eye on so it was a good idea.

now i have found my biofamily and have lots more info. so its more of a 'aunt so-and-so has whatever, do you think that might affect you?'

i tell them i will check with my bfamily and see.

i would take it as a complement that something nice about someone else was associated with you. at least they arent saying 'you have the same horrid nose as your aunt sally'

soft skin is much better than that.

Answer 13

I know that that I interview both of the birth parents regarding their medical history so that I would have some answers to certain questions. For example diabetes was on both sides of the birth family and so I am very aware of making better food choices. But if the Dr ever ask me a question regarding family history on my kids that I don't know, I say I am not aware of any as they are adopted.

Answer 14

My amother used to present her and afather's medical history as mine until I spoke up as a teen. When people would comment on us kids they would also point out where they "got us".

Answer 15

No, they don't pretend with medical stuff. However they encouraged me to find my bio-family so i can know my medical history.