Did I Make A Big Mistake?

Question

I just broke up with my boyfriend of Nine Months. I'm 33, he's 48, both divorced.

Anyway, we were at dinner speaking about his friend's relationship when he say: What does she expect, she's dating a divorced man in his 40's and thinks he would want a relationship.

I was floored. So I asked is that how he feel about us, and he says: I want to travel someday and do my little walk-about. Can't make any commitments.

I, ofcourse, got upset. I never lied about the fact that I am looking for a commitment and didn't want to be in a relationship with a man who had no interest in this kind of relationship.

He told me that he cares for me, but he was so hurt with his marriage (ended 4 years ago when she got pregnant by someone else) that he doesn't want to take another chance on someone. That I was pressuring him. He needed time to determine if he was ready to start down the road of finding love.

I feel like if I stay, I'm just setting myself up to be dumped because he needs to hold on to his pain. I really wanted to see if we could go somewhere, but I feel he's not interested in ever going anywhere with anyone.

But on the other hand I know he's a wonderful person.

I also yelled at him because we don't spend anytime together. Maybe lunch once a week and some odd weekends. He says he's just so use to being alone. But should an aquaintence ask him out he's there in a heart beat???

Long story shortened...did I do the right thing leaving? Would I be stupid to give him a chance to decide if he wants to pursue this??

Should I be happy with the hour a week?

PS. My husband left me and started a new family so I know his pain, but I am willing to move forward with my life.

Answer 1

you are absolutely right to run like h**l from this guy.  this guy told you, in no uncertain terms, what he is about.  he is all about living in the past and wallowing in his pain.  he isnt likely to change, and if he does, are you willing to waste years of your life on a guy that you have to "talk into" commiting to you?  s***w that!  this guy should have been straight with you from the beginning.  and no, an hour a week is not sufficient time to be with a significant other.  for me, that would get old really fast.  

i would find someone else.  this time though, ask them their feelings about commitment on the 3rd date.  if you don't get an answer that you can live with, run like the wind.

Answer 2

Don't waste your time with someone who can't/won't commit. You are still young and can have a life and children with someone who is worthy. There are many wonderful men out there. You did the right thing. Move on. GOOD LUCK!!

Answer 3

You answered your own question in your fourth paragraph, you said  you didn't want to be in a relationship with a man who had no interest in this kind of relationship.  So therefore, you've stuck to your guns.  And don't you want to be with someone who wants to spend time with you?

Answer 4

Honey, I hate to be the one to tell you, but you are his convenient piece of a$$.  He only sees you that seldom and you think you have a relationship.  He is seeing other people, I can guarantee you.  move on and find a man that is willing to give you more of his time and a future.

Don't waste your young years, or you will end up like me, 12 years later, having to leave and start over.  It took 3 years to get over him after I left.  He did not care.  He moved on to the next victim within a month.  This is after he told me that one day he wanted to marry me!!  He used the excuse of the ex wife too.  Now I am 15 years older and just starting to get my life together enough to date.  

I certainly wish I could have my 12 years with him back, and the three I spent crying over him.  Unfortunately, here I am 15 years older, and can't do anything but start over.

Answer 5

Don't question yourself.  You are right, and did the right thing.

The way you communicate, shows you are a very intiligent and thoughtful person.  He should have been appreciative of you,

Answer 6

There isn't anything wrong with the way that you feel!!

It's pretty obvious that neither one of you want to be hurt the way you were in your marriages which of course is totally understandable.

It's obvious that you feel like the risk of being hurt again is worth the reward of maybe being happy again.

It's hard though because you feel now after what your boyfriend told you that he's not looking for a big time commitment... you don't want to get hurt and you certainly don't want to invest all of your emotions into somebody that isn't investing all of theirs.

Your boyfriend is obviously scared at the the thought of being hurt again and may feel that you won't either want to stick around in the relationship or that somehow it's going to fail like it did with his wife. His and most everybody's natural reaction is to be the one that does the hurting first. (i.e.) saying that he doesn't want a relationship any further then the two of you already have, or as you fear that he may dump you so he can hold onto his pain.

It's easier for others to move on with life and push past their pain and because it's easier for us we don't see how it's so hard for some people.

If you love this guy and you feel like he is worth sticking around for then I'd do it. Sometimes, it just takes a little longer for others to see. You may just surprise him by doing the last thing he expected you to do which is to STICK around. :)

The two of you could make it after all and all because you decided to be brave and take a chance!

If this relationship doesn't work out then maybe it's because  the two of you needed and need one another to help heal and to show one another that it is okay to open up and love other people.

<3 good luck!

Answer 7

Wow

I had to read this several times because I'm just amazed. 1 hour a week??????????????? Odd weekends?????????????????? Lady He's 48 and your 33. It really really sounds like you did the absolute best thing you could have. This guy is either married or g*y and you have let him play you. Move forward, You'll find a descent guy.

Answer 8

Not with this guy.  An hour a week.  Reread this question and you will see what we all see.  He is so using you and you deserve so much better than that.  My ex also left me and our 3 small children.  It was for another woman.  A younger version of me before I had his kids.  It took a long time to get over it.  But I would never put myself in a situation where i could be used or disrespected again.  I am now remarried.  i do believe I jumped in to this too fast even though I gave myself a year to heal before I started dating.  Dump this guy and be picky this time.  Make sure he is everything you want and more importantly that you are everything he wants.  Good luck.

Answer 9

I was 37 before I first got married and had NO issues spending time with my former girlfriend (now wife).  So him claiming that he is just used to being a lone is really one big line of B.S.  It all goes back to the fact that he has no plans on being committed / married and all you are is a bit of fun (on his terms).

Should you have beeen happy with what he was offering?  My answer is no.  If you want a guy that is willing to enter a committed / loving relationship (possible marriage) than go and find that guy (don't settle). The guy you had is simply a user and now you have a grasp of his real character.

Edit:  I would also note that he did in fact get divorced for a reason from his his first.  As nobody wants to be the bad guy, I'm certain he gave you a nice sob story about why it didn't work out.  However, I wouldn't be suprised to find out that his first wife left him because of similiar antics and she opted not to put up with his c**p (I wouldn't buy off on him being the injured party who is hurting and is afraid to take a jump in the relationship).