Did I do the "right" thing? This is long....?

Question

My wifes old boy friend from 1989/90 whom I knew from growing up days.Disappeared around the time she realized she was pregnant. They had broken up.After she gave birth alot of people tried to find him,no one did. The baby was adopted.Over the years I have tried to find a trace of him,there was nothing up and till a couple of months ago.I found him through court records in two states.Found his last girlfriend,turns out he was homeless.After going through h**l to get a hold of him,I explained to him about the baby & adoption.He wishes to make contact with his birth child when the time comes,how ever he has a rotten temper(DV) problems. He wasn't thrilled when he realised me & his ex hooked up but said thanks for the info. Now to all you on this "forum" Did I do the right thing or should I have let it stay under the carpet? (so to speak)

Answer 1

That's complicated!

The truth would come out EVENTUALLY, it's just that you were the one to break it to him.

I believe you did the right thing. Everything happens for a reason!

Answer 2

That's a very hard decision to make.  Being the birth father, he would have the right to know he fathered a child.  And from what I'm reading, it sounds like giving that child up for adoption was the best thing to do for everyone involved.  I don't know how long and hard I would have tried to locate the old boyfriend.  It seems as though you were searching for him for a long time! Perhaps you could have let his immediate family know of the pregnancy.  Then they could pass the info. onto him when (or if) they saw him.

Answer 3

Wow, he has every right to see his child now which is probably going to be really tough on the kid! If it were me I probably would have just let it be, nothing was broke, does your step kid consider you the father? If it's not broke don't fix it. If he does turn out to be a bad guy and starts harassing you I would threaten him to either give up his rights or to start paying child support, tell him you will take him to court. That will probably scare him away!

Answer 4

I hope your girlfriend appreciates the effort however was this something that she wanted you to do? Why didn't she do this herself? He doesn't have to approve of your relationship and if he wants one with his child at least he now has a heads up. I applaud what you did and I hope things work out for the best for everyone.

Answer 5

You did the right thing. Every one deserves to know information like that. If he wants to find the child let him do it on his own. You have done all that is needed.

Answer 6

Why the h**l did you even bother?  If you take the responsibility of raising someone else's child, which by the way I do NOT recommend for anyone, you should just do it and leave the past trash in the dumpster.

Answer 7

It probably won't matter.  But I wouldn't have done it.

Homelessness and DV are often connected to mental illness.

He probably won't be able to follow through on his wish to make contact, for that reason.  The only reason he might try is to gain a financial advantage and the kid isn't old enough to have an income yet.

Had it been me, after I found the guy, and saw what his condition was, I probably wouldn't have told him, because he would not be a positive addition to a child's life.

Additionally, this was intrusive and should have been cleared through the adoptive parents.  You don't even MENTION them.  Like they want a homeless, violent, probably mentally ill person hanging around their family.

Answer 8

Yes, I think you did.  I'm sure you did this with your wife's knowledge and support and I think it was absolutely the right thing to do.

Hopefully, by this time next year another adoptee will regain the first chapter of his life and know the truth of who he is and where he came from.  Now that's what I call a gift in adoption (pun intended)

You remind me of a guy who was in your position and who wrote a book about it for his wife, it was called 'I hope you have a Good Life', an amazing story.

I think you'll have a book to write someday soon . . .

Answer 9

Does your wife know you did this? If not then you're well out of order imho.

Answer 10

it was bothering you enough to look for so long and you did, you and hopefully ur wife now have closer on this matter i think you did the right thing.

Answer 11

Hard to say.

Who adopted the child? You?

Or did your wife give up the child to someone else?

If he's still libel for child support it's good to have found him. If he's someone who'll always be a bum (and won't be able to pay anyway), you probably didn't help the child to bring him back into it's life at any time.

What's "DV"?

Answer 12

Hey! I think it was a wonderful thing you did for your wife! Beautiful story and yes it is bookworthy! lol. You did the right thing, I mean, he doesn't have to be in the child's life, but as long as he knows he has a child now it brings closure to this long story. This child is now seventeen going on eighteen! I'm sure he's not going to be thrilled about meeting the guy who missed his whole adolesence anyway. I'm sure you've been as good (wait.. better) a father than he would have been! Kudos! I wonder what the future holds for you and your family. Maybe I'll see a top-selling book on the shelves and find out then =)!

REVISION: I'm sorry, I missed the part that said the child was adopted. You still did a good thing though!

Answer 13

Does your wife any idea you have done this?

Have you spoken to her about this.

And could you explain what the initials DV stand for?

Answer 14

IT NICE OF WHAT U DID N U REALLY DIDNT HAVE TO BUT I THINK DAT THE GUY WILL THANK U INTHE END....U HAVE A REALLY BIG HEART 2 DO DAT

Answer 15

You shouldn't of done that!! You could have made a big mistake and got the wrong guy and told him all of that stuff and who knows, we may be try to get that little kid out of the Foster Home!!

Answer 16

It's good that you have the info and care enough to find that out. But you should have kept it to yourself and if the child (who is almost an adult now) contacted the Mother and wanted to know you could have volunteered that information then, rather than seek him out now.

I always say when it comes to complicated issues, say when asked, but don't volunteer information that can hurt others.

Answer 17

I think he has a right to know and that you did the right thing.

Whats DV?