Did I overreact? First day of kindergarten "crisis."?

Question

Today was my son's first day of kindergarten, and I was both excited and nervous about it. My husband was able to come home early from a business trip in order to be here for the big day and walk him to school with me.

Anyway, before going to bed last night, my husband said he was going to get up early and get my son some pancakes from McDonald's. He set the clock, and while he did hit the snooze button, he still got up in plenty of time to go get the food, come back home, and still make sure my son had plenty of time to get ready. My husband was aware that we would have to leave the house at 8:30 in order to be there on time.

I woke up a little bit later than my husband, showered, got dressed, and came downstairs around 8:00, and I was more than a bit surprised to find my son's breakfast completely untouched, my son running around and playing, still in his pajamas, and my husband just standing there, as if he were completely oblivious to the time. I asked why our son hadn't eaten breakfast yet, and my husband just said "He didn't want to." I was more than a little annoyed, but I didn't get upset. I just told my husband where I had put our son's clothes for the day, and I asked him to go upstairs with him and make sure he got dressed while I got his breakfast out, since it was still sitting in the bag. For some reason, it took my husband ten minutes to get our son dressed.

When they came downstairs, I asked my son to sit down and start eating his breakfast. He ate, but he was chitchatting and dawdling over his food, so I reminded him that school started today, and that we were going to have to leave soon. When stalled again, I told him again in a firm voice (not yelling) that we had to get going, because we couldn't be late for school. Then my husband told me not to yell at him.

When it was getting down to the last few minutes, I said, "Okay, breakfast is over. We need to brush teeth and get going." My son went upstairs to brush his teeth, and I made another check of his backpack to make sure he had all of his things. We all headed out the door together, and my son was dawdling on the way. Once again, I had to remind him that we couldn't be late for school and he had to get moving. My husband said nothing.

Because we were rushing, and because it had rained, my son ended up slipping and falling on a paved hillside, just outside of the school building. He was okay, but he did have a little scratch on his face, and he started to cry, saying he didn't want to go to kindergarten. I made sure he was okay, and I told him we would go inside and get him cleaned up. He was still pretty upset when we got there, and because we were a couple of minutes late, it was already time for the parents to leave once we arrived, so we really didn't have a chance to sit with him for a few minutes and make sure he was settled. He was the only child in his class who was late for school today, and that wasn't how I wanted to kick things off.

My husband and I walked back home, and I was pretty ticked off by the time we got there. I told him I was upset because (as always) I ended up being the bad guy who had to crack the whip, and especially on his first day of school, which was bound to be an upsetting time for me (since I am the one who stays home and takes care of him every day). I said there was no reason for me to have come downstairs and find that our son wasn't dressed and hadn't eaten his breakfast, and that if he was dragging his feet about getting ready, it was my husband's responsibility as the parent to get him moving and let him know we needed to leave soon. Instead, he just let everything go until the last half hour before we had to leave, which left me in the position of being the one who had to get everyone's butts in gear (as is usually the case), and what was worse, he contradicted me about it in front of our son. My husband didn't understand why I was so upset.

Was I being unreasonable here? Would you have been upset to find that 1/2 before needing to leave for school, your child was nowhere near ready for school, particularly when your spouse had specifically told you the night before that he was going to get up with him and get him ready? Is anyone else always put in the position of being the "bad guy"?

Answer 1

Sounds like 90% of the time you do the majority of raising your son so I don't know why you expected this day to be any different.  Your husband was probably just doing what he always does - which doesn't make it right, but maybe can give you some insight into why it happened.

Also, did you prepare your son for this day by waking him up earlier, having a set time to get things done by at least a few days in advance so the morning wouldn't go so stressfully?

Being upset about it is understandable, but I have a feeling this is not a one-time thing and it has more to do with your frustration of your husband always being this way.

Answer 2

I know how you feel.  I often feel like i am always the one who has to be the bad guy!  I work on a monday night and often come home at about 8pm to find that my kids 6 and 4 are not even at all ready for bed.  Then i have to feel like i come home and start being horrible by saying that they have to get to bed quickly as it is school the next day and they are tired.  I also have to deal with what happens the next day when they are tired and grumpy!!!

I don't think you overreacted, i think it was just a build up of frustration.  You should not have to tell a grown man that he needs to help make sure his son is ready for school on time.  Unfortunately, in my experience, that is what often happens to lots of us.  I am always having to say "No more sweets or rubbish before tea" when my hubby is still letting them eat it.  

i am sorry because i can't think of anything to suggest to stop a similar thing happening again, if knew how to do that i would be doing it myself!!!!

Answer 3

No. You did not overreact. Not at all. I can understand how mad it makes one to come downstairs and see that husband dear is not doing the basic expected routine stuff given the day and time and plan for the day.

And, after handling the crisis, when one tries to explain it to husband, it comes across as controlling, nagging, too tense, wound up.  

Now, it sounds like all is well. Kid did make it to school, and just get over it. I just cant' stand such situations when they occur in my home.

I've learnt the very hard way, that when something is really important, I don't leave it to my husband.  That makes my life very difficult at times, but I think overall it is OK as otherwise he is a very involved dad.  

I hope it helps to know it happens in many households. My husband thinks sunscreen and helmets are for sissies.  When we are leaving for a long vacation, he just decides on his own that a camcorder is not worth taking on this trip. I discover this when we are 4 hrs away from home. The list is endless.

You cannot really do anything to change this part of his nature. If he is a great husband  and dad otherwise, just work with it or around it.

Answer 4

No, I don't think you were being unreasonable. Your husband volunteered to get your son ready and you assumed that all would be alright.

I would not have been upset in your position, however. From the way your situation was worded, it would seem that you were a stay at home mom. If I were a stay at home mom, even if my husband volunteered to get our son ready, I would've still been up to ensure all went well especially if I was excited, as you seemed to be, about your son's first day. In my excitement, I doubt very seriously that my son would've been up before me. There wouldn't have been anything my husband had to do but walk out the door with us. It doesn't make sense that you would sleep later than your husband, if you felt that your son's first day of school was so important.

Answer 5

The first day of school is always very stressful. The parents are not always ready, and the children do not want the news changes. The changes can be very scary. The child will be left with a stranger,and there with new kids. It sounds like you have had a really bad day. It also sounds like your husband is passive/aggressive. You should never have entrusted such a big responsibility to him. You should have just gotten up early and took the responsibility. But, I'm sure looking back on things you realize that now.

But I would not beat yourself up over it now, its done with. When my eldest son started school, I was a basket case. I was so not ready for him to go to school. When I dropped him off I got misty eyed, and hugged him good bye and to reassure him that I would be there to pick him up. He just took hold of my hand and said "Mom, it's going to be ok, this is just a stepping stone. Go home and take care of the baby, you will be ok". I just stood up and I was just so shocked that he got right to the bottom of the problem, I was the one not ready for him to go to school, it wasn't really about him.

What I am trying to say is, this isn't really about your son either. This is about your husband and you, and how your dealing with your son leaving the nest. It does not sound like either of you are handling this well. Try not to harbor any ill feelings for each other. Just don't leave any more responsibilty to your husband on monumentous occassions. Live and learn.

Answer 6

i do think your son wanted to stay home cause alot of kids on there first day of school are excited, he just sat around and played with dad i do agree that your husband needs to use a bit of common sence though cause i would have been mad. i just tell my husband what i expect of him before i get in the shower. it may seem like im micro manageing but i end up being the bad guy all the time too

Answer 7

Yes, it sounds like you overreacted. This kind of logistical challenge is something you will probably encounter multiple times a week. Just relax.

Answer 8

As a mother of 3 I can understand what you are going though. The first day of kindergarten is stressful for the kids and for mom. Without a doubt you had good reason to be upset with your husband but I think he was just trying to make it a fun, easy and less stressful day for your son. I think when your son comes home from school you will think you overreacted and he will be happy as a clam. I would just try to forget it, don't carry a grudge it's true you will have many more days like this in the next several years.

Answer 9

I think you just need to accept the reality of the situation, which is your husband means well, he had good intentions, but he just doesn't have the "follow Through" on the whole morning routine.  If you normally take care of it, it's almost unfair for you to expect him to automatically know what to do.  Next time he offers, keep in mind in that he will probably need some help from you to stay on track.  We can't all be good at everything.  Cut hubby some slack.

Answer 10

IF this is the first time this kind of thing happened, I would chalk it up to first day excitement.

If your husband behaves like this on a regular basis, he  is passive-aggressive.  Read up on it here:  http://www.couplesinstitute.com/professi...

All the best.

Answer 11

Read what your wrote once or twice again and put it into perspective (maybe in the grand picture of things). Don't take this as me saying one of you is right or wrong but don't also think of this situation as good guy, bad guy. I don't want to put to much of my own opinion here but think of the ways you both acted and if that is the way you are/want to be. [Don't worry I didn't see any excessive warnings/flags in your post behavior wise]

To answer the below questions I might have been slightly irked if I was told something would happen that didnt, but if its not the biggest thing in life to worry about & you are already going to be late or are running late just do your best to speed up the pace in a positive manner.

It all depends on who you are.

[Be advised we don't know all the details in your life including your husband =D Best person you could talk to about this is him in a positive, progressive, and constructive manner]

Answer 12

Parents do have different styles.  Your husband may legitimately have thought the best way to spend the first morning of school was having a relaxed time hanging out to keep the mood calm and fun.  If he doesn't get your son ready on a regular basis, he may not have realized how long it typically takes, and may not have budgeted accordingly (your husband can probably get ready pretty fast ... he may have thought your son could, too).  Your concerns about being ready on time are equally legitimate.  Of course you don't want him to be late, especially on the first day.  It's too bad you all had a stressful first day, but first off, your son probably ended up having a great day anyway, and second, you can easily discuss it with your husband and make a plan so that it's not a problem in the future.  

In our family, we have a similar conflict of styles (too laid-back and too apt to be late v. too anxious and fearful of being late).  We'd probably do best to meet somewhere in the middle.  But while it's certainly worth a calm discussion -- especially because you're totally right that it's not right for one parent to always have to be the "bad guy" while the other is all about goofing off and having fun, it's not worth a fight.  One time when you're both in a good mood I'd bring it up and see if you can agree on a middle ground that works for you both.

edit -- whoa, those were some massively rude responses you got.  There's nothing wrong with sharing responsibilities with your spouse even if you're an at-home parent.  Ignore the self-righteousness and just have a friendly discussion with your husband.  Last I checked it doesn't make you lazy if your husband is in charge of breakfast once a year.  Good grief.

Answer 13

Both you and your husband are at fault here. Children are extremely sensitive to moods and your poor son not only had to deal with probably the first nerve wracking day he'll experience, he also had to put up with fighting parents (even if you weren't being vocal about it when he was present, he will have still sensed the 'mood').

Sadly he now thinks he is/was the cause for the upset, and I wonder if either of you reassured him that he wasn't.

What was supposed to be a happy and exciting day for a young child  has now turned into a negative experience and you may have trouble with him being at school from now on.

It seems to me there's a massive lack of positive communication between you and your husband. You always feel put down as the 'bad guy' (poor little you) and your husband is probably bemused as to why you are always reacting with anger to him. You seem to give the impression that you think it's it's unfair that you have to stay at home and look after your son. You are selfish and self-centered, proved by the quote:

'his first day of school, which was bound to be an upsetting time for me (since I am the one who stays home and takes care of him every day)'

clearly thinking more about yourself here than the family unit, and thinking about yourself more than your son.

Your son should be number one. If this was an exciting and nervous day for you think about how much MORE it would have been for your son. Why were you not up early, preparing your son a healthy breakfast as a child needs to be well nourished to be able to learn properly and pay attention in class. You're feeding him McDonald's for breakfast for pete's sake! It's hardly a wholesome and healthy breakfast for a growing boy!!!

Yes, I would have been upset to find 1/2 an hour before my son had to head off to his first day of school that he wasn't ready as I should have been up helping him get ready with my husband.

And yes, you are being unreasonable and you clearly need to sit down and have an in-depth discussion with your husband as to why this happened, and more importantly, why you feel like this and I get the impression there's a lot more going on between you two.

I feel sorry for your kid - I'd NEVER feed a child McDonalds, especially not for breakfast. Not even as a special treat.

Get your butt out of bed earlier, fix your kid a breakfast of cereal and fruit or yogurt and get him off to school on time. If your husband is out making the money for your family, I should think it's part of your responsibilities as a parent.

So in conclusion, you DID over-react.

Answer 14

You made a tense situation even worse. You should have explained to your husband and son that the first day of kindergarten was an important event and it was necessary to be on time. It was not a good idea to go somewhere to buy him pancakes. The meal should have been planned in advance. Your little boy needs a calm send off if he is to do well in school.

You sound like a nervous Nellie who worries too much. I hope you have a better routine for your son from now on. You and your husband need to discuss this privately, not in front of your son.  

Answer 15

i think if you sit back and review the situation you will find that the real problem was the fact that you were losing your baby going to school is a big milestone and your husband was just basking in your sons delight you said that he travels alot so it probably was a big deal to him just to be up with his little man alot of the time when a parent is out of the house often they really do not want to come home and be the disciplinarian and its not fair but as far as breakfast goes you should talk to the teacher most teacher prefer that you not give your child breakfast since kindergarten is usually their first social setting they would prefer that they take their daily meals with their peers and just relax your son will always need you

Answer 16

ewwww yuck McPuke pancakes.  That's not much of a treat for any child.  Not a healthy breakfast at all for the first day of school.  It would have been better if you would have had frozen pancakes at home and fixed them for him than to feed him that c**p...obviously since he didn't eat them he is smarter than his parents already.  

Yes you made too much of it.  Men don't think like women do and they are more lax about schedules and time unless it involves money.  I don't blame your son for being upset and reacting the way he did, you made the entire event more stressful than it should have been.  I don't get my 5 year old up and ready for school.  She has been doing it herself since she started pre school and has never been late.  Now at 5 years she won't even allow me to help her get ready.  I have three children who have to be fed dressed and ready to go out the door at 7:00 am every morning and I've never made them stressfull.  There just is no reason to.

Answer 17

you took your sons big day and made it all about you

you should have gotten up at the same time your husband did it was  your fault and his that your son didnt eat

your husband had to get himself ready for work as well as fulfill his promise. which  he did  you should have been up and getting your son dressed  while he was getting the food but instead you chose to lay on your rear end in bed and then lashed out at your husband real mature

im a stay at home mom to a kindergartner  my husband gets my son up and sets his cereal on the table while i draw up his bath and get his clothes and shoes together and double check his homework.  the main responsibility is mine as he also has to get ready for work. you need to take responsibility for your son and stop expecting your husband to raise him and  make the money

your a sahm act like it its your job to tend to the kids make sure the fed before school not   your husbands

Answer 18

FIrst i have to say...Cheryl D feels sorry for YOUR child! what about her child who NEVER gets McDonald's!!

No i don't think you overreacted at all, your husband has a responsibility to feed him breakfast and get him ready for school.  We don't have some fairy sitting on our shoulder telling us moms that things need to be done around the house, or homework needs to get done ect why the h**l do men need to be re-told and or reminded that they need to be a parent! It's called common sense i think.  I've has this conversation before with my sons father.....it's part of being a PARENT. I would have been pissed too probably more at the fact that if you weren't rushing he most likely wouldn't have fallin hurt himself cried and was late.  But all in all you said he had a great day which is awesome! Congrats on your lil one becoming a big boy....

Answer 19

Some of you are incredibly rude and harsh.  The husband offered to take care of breakfast this one morning and it didn't get done.  I can see why she was a little annoyed at him not doing what he said he would do.  As another poster said, I don't think accepting her husband's offer to take care of breakfast once in a while makes her a lazy mother, and she had every reason to expect that at least breakfast would be taken care of today as promised.  CherylD is making it sound like she fed her kid poison by allowing him to eat McDonald's pancakes one morning.  They're just pancakes.  Get off your high horse already.

I hope you and your husband talked things out and are okay about things now.  As other posters said, just let it go for now, but maybe you should have a talk to make sure you are both on the same page.  I totally understand your frustration about feeling like you're in a good cop/bad cop situation.

It sounds like your son had a great first day of school.  Congratulations, Mommy!

Answer 20

WOO HOO!! Well said Cheryl D!!!!

Get your butt out of bed and get your child ready to go! Like Cheryl D said, if you're the stay-at-home parent while your husbands makes the money - IT"S YOUR JOB! Maybe while your husband was out getting breakfast...something you should have been up fixing...you should have been up getting your son ready.

My (2nd grade) daughter has to be @ school before 7:30, which means we leave our house no later than 7:10. I am up at 5 a.m. getting myself ready, breakfast ready, my 1 year old son ready, getting my husband up - who is sole money maker in our family - doing my daughters hair and feeding bottle-claves (these are baby cows that have to bed bottle fed). Why are you complaining about dragging your lazy butt out of bed @ 8 when you only had yourself to get ready?

Answer 21

Clearly, Cheryl D is insane. If your husband volunteered to get breakfast (MickyD's is fine on occasion) and get your son ready for school, you had every right to expect that he would do so, no matter if you're a stay at home mom or not. When people volunteer to do something, they should do as they say they will.

It is absolutely unfair that you should have to be the parent who always cracks the whip. Your husband and you should talk about how to communicate effectively- he was dead wrong to contradict you in front of your child. That just plays into the whole good parent/bad parent thing you want to avoid- kids can get wind of that and start to use it to manipulate parents really quickly..

Yes, your son was probably nervous because it was the first day of school- but the fact is he still needed to get a move on. Of course you don't want to set the stage for your child dawdling every day and being late. You are his mother- you have the responsibility of seeing that your son understands the importance of being prompt and on-time and this is a perfect opportunity to do so. When your child gets home sit him down, remind him of what happened this morning and plan together how tomorrow will go. Get his input on how to ensure that tomorrow goes more smoothly and congratulate him every step of the way when he does as he says he would.

Also sit down with your husband and discuss how you feel. Do not let him or anyone else tell you you over-reacted because you didn't. It might not be a great big deal now, but if his style of parenting continues to clash with yours- especially in front of your child- there could be bigger problems ahead. Stress to him the importance of putting up a unified front for your son. I'll bet if your son sees that you both expect the same thing for him (in this or anything else) he will be doubly eager to give you what you want.

Good luck with your family, mom- sounds like you're doing a great job!